If only they understood

It's hard to explain to anyone how my life works. I guess I started thinking about this when I saw someone at the store yesterday that doesn't like me anymore, but we used to be good friends. I started to try and remember why we weren't friends anymore, then realized it wasn't worth drudging up old memories.
I am going through a lot of hardships right now, and still trying to be positive and accomplish what I've set out to do.
Mental disorders hault life, stunt the spiritual growth of an individual, even if it's not their mental health issue. I deal with it everyday, between my own problems, and mental health problems of others in the house, it seems I don't get to live a "normal" life.
Today was supposed to be epic, huge plans... But I'm watching it unravel. I can tell how the day will end. I won't project it in that direction, I'll fight to keep it enjoyable for others, but on the inside I'll be hurting.
Because of household issues I don't even know if I'll get my kids next week, that breaks pretty much what was left of my heart.

25 lucid dreams and the illness that creeps in.

Last night and this morning I enjoyed the most lucidity I've had in a long time. My dreams were vivid and long lasting. I had time to meditate, fly, manipulate gravity, morph my world. In the first dream I used my favorite cue, my tattoos, to remind me I was dreaming, then for fun I made all the ink run down to my fingertips and seperate from my skin, then I manipulated the ink in the air.
In some of the dreams I was nude, but no one reacted oddly because they realized they were dream characters. In one I was running on the beach and felt the sand, built a sandcastle just because the reality of it felt amazing. I ran to the water and remembered dream water doesn't require holding breath, so I walked along the ocean floor examining and manipulating the various inhabitants.
I used a new technique, upon waking from a lucid dream, it can be difficult to fall back asleep, and harder still to remain lucid. I used a technique similar to self hypnosis, counting and becoming lighter, until I was floating in my bed, the transistion back into dream was perfect, as soon as I was floating I knew I was asleep.

I've returned to the stage, Saturday marked my first official live show with unto the black, and my first stage show in 2 years(other than hooks). It's great to get back up there, I'm sore and tired, and tommorow I take hooks. This is a major part of my life that was missing.

A familiar illness fills the halls of this home, she's letting herself slip again. My kids are to come for spring break, this may be difficult.

If it's not broke...

But it is. I'm going to call them and fix this, I'm going to start feeling better, and make everything as good as it can be.
March is hectic, so many great things happening... At the end of the day, there's only one thing on my mind.

Last night...

I had stopped believing in people, last night that changed.
I know it wasn't exactly what it seemed, and I'm ok with that, I'm just happy to feel like there are still people, that could at least potentially care. Humanity still has a soul... I don't have to feel lost. She was an amazing person, I don't expect it to mean anything more than it was on the surface, it's just great to feel human again. And god, just to hold someone, it reminded me why it's worth leaving my house sometimes.

A return to lucidity

After weeks of insomnia I finally got back on medication. After just two days I had a long lucid dream last night. I was dreaming of my aunt and cousins again, at one point I was in a room by myself and I looked at my arms, as soon as I saw my tattoos weren't normal I became lucid. I was on my way to leave the house when I passed my cousin, I stopped, took her in another room. I had my goodbye talk that I never got to have with her, said everything I wanted to, and I let all of the sadness in me go, I cried, then continued with a more normal lucid dream of flying and things of that nature.
The brain works in funny ways, you can achieve more in two minutes in a lucid dream, than you can in weeks of therapy. The conscious mind is stubborn, but the subconscious is open to suggestion. I made peace with my cousins memory, I love her and I miss her, but I've moved on.
Goodbye Amy.

Hello blog-diary thingy

I've been abusing you as of late... Have you missed me? I'm sorry, we need to hangout more, I've just been busy.

One would assume that I've been up to a lot of nothing, thus the silence, on the contrary I've kept myself quite entertained. Today will be the first day I practice with a new band, should be fun. Photography has been going well, and we are about to amp up the velocity once again. xXRx and the brothers darqly are playing live in march, to support the new xXRx album, darqpress 2 year anniversary, making it a FiXT promotional night, it's going to be at club zeal on tormented Tuesday. It's taking alot of my time to plan, practice, promote, and I still need to put together projection footage. Hopefully tax returns will arrive, and I'll have a new toy on stage :)

I've been off my meds for over three weeks, which isn't fun, but I'm coping. I go see my dr in a little over a week, I'm a bit upset about how my treatment over the last month has digressed.

Going to eureka springs in a few weeks, staying in an old hotel, doing photography, and relaxing in a different city...
Currently setting up photography pricing, since demand has gotten bigger, we are adjusting accordingly. Blah blah blah. I did stuff. Maybe I can sleep now.

New years

I'm spending it with exactly who I'd love to be around throughout the year. Of all the places I could be... This is it.