Time melts by,
with each waking moment spent
Panic attack, broken brain
Can't breath, cold sweat
Maybe I'm just paranoid
Unisom lost in my system
Still awake with this affliction
5 hours ago, 5 minutes went by
Now I'm just laying here, don't know why
Life passes by
Out my window the world moves on
This scratched record
plays the same old song
If there were an opposite to ok
I would be that
To put it eloquently
Not ok
Time melts by.

In my lifetime.

In my lifetime.
Mcnuggets
Cordless phones, car phones, cellular phones, smart phones
Cable television, high definition, plasma television, music television, reality television, stereoscopic television, on demand, streaming
Internet, high-speed, wifi, personal computers, laptops
War on drugs, war for drugs, drug wars, medicinal marijuana, but no social medicine
Plastic surgery, war on obesity, crossbred vegetables, hormone injected meat
Atkins, Hanson
Snowboarding, turntablism
Laser disc, DVD, blu-ray, 16bit, 32bit, 64bit, 128bit, 256bit megabyte, gigabyte
Aids, bird flu, mad cow
3d animation, virtual worlds
Stealth bombers, smart bombs, twin towers, Berlin wall
On star, serius xm, hybrid cars, car alarms, noise pollution, ozone
Email, txt, return to illiteracy
Social networks, chat rooms, free pornography for all
War on terror,Reagan, two bushes, Clinton sex scandal, African American president
Look at how far we've come, and yet how far we have to go. We've lost ourselves in the noise of everyday life. We can barely communicate because it's so easy to keep in touch. We don't relate, we're selfish, mindless drones.
With the freedom of information, we've grown stupid, we believe the lies.
Spoon fed, redneck, ebonic, spoiled Americans in debt to the whole world. World powers flipped upside down.
Prison systems overflow, a new depression era, anxiety pills, headed for a civil war.
In 30 years we've forgotten who our enemies are. Celebrate freedom, the right to choose, gun permits, did the holocaust even happen? Volkswagen nazi tanks, IBM counted Jews.
Prescription drugs claimed the king of pop, OJ's gloves didn't fit, Madonna expressed herself, lady gaga exposed herself.
Why do we care what happens to celebrities, when we don't know our neighbors names? We're all too consumed in our own lives, television, news, video games.

Telemarket, snooze button, diet pills, instant gratification, yet can you say you're truly happy?
Here we sit in the same room, staring at our phones, letting the whole world know how much fun we're having, but forgetting to look up. Never happy with where we are, too busy thinking about where we could be. Not enough money, but that's always true, a little more overtime, but still past due.
Catholic shame, Walmart must be to blame, monopoly isn't just a game.
Don't ask, don't tell, gay marriage is alright, as long as they keep it over there.
Broccoli was invented, who even knew? Our DNA has been changed from the things that we consume.

I can admit, a bit of a hypocrite, when this list is to point out the ironic nature of our lives, but I enjoy these things too.

Don't get upset with me, if this list doesn't seem complete. Certain parts may sound unfair, but you're just reading something that isn't there. The point of a list is to notice trends, the very nature of this may offend.

Behold the power of conversation

People don't seem to understand why I'm not very sexually aggressive anymore. When I try to explain, it's either met with opposition or disbelief.

I enjoy conversation, it's great when I can sit and talk at length with a female I find attractive, but brain matter knows no gender.

Often it's thought snobbish to make a statement like that, but understand; it need not be a weighted topic like quantum physics or synthesis mapping. I had a twenty minute conversation with five people about thumbs yesterday, in it's own abstract way it was enlightening.

Nothing is sexier on someone than a great perspective. You probably won't change my views on a topic, but I love it when you try, and a fresh way of looking at a stale topic, often leads to new ideas.

Between constant sleep deprivation, and several head injuries, I respect what I can still manage to hold onto. Everyone should yearn for knowledge, seek out topics askew from what you are learning about, just to bring that knowledge back into what you are currently working on. I read or delve into subjects that travel far off the path I'm trying to reach, but it makes for a more robust journey.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm leading this, but it's just refreshing to attempt an explanation of why I don't react the way most would in social situations. While others may flock to obvious groups of people, I may tend to quietly watch, or seek out the one person in the room that can talk about depth of field, color coding, and zombie films all at once.
I'm tired of typing now.

Originally written June 24th

Lonely, sad, anxious, afraid to open up to the world and risk being hurt again. Think you're the only one that feels this way? Sadly part of this condition is making you feel you're The only person on the planet that suffers. In reality so many of us hurt, and rather than reach out to each other, we shell up, internalize, turn to alcohol, drugs, or sleep too much, or never sleep at all. We convince ourselves we're hated by everyone and that society is better off without us.
Usually overly critical people are very intelligent, they've just suffered hardships that make life seem unrelatable.
I seldom leave my house, sleep alone every night, have panic attacks constantly. I know there are others that live this life too. I'm here for you, as I slowly learn to cope and stay positive, I see more and more people that need help, but sometimes don't recognize a friend when they see it. Life doesn't have to be so hard. I'm here.

Updates

I've been writing on Facebook and ignoring my blog, but I always end up back here... I'm going to transfer what I've written there over here, so expect a flood of writing. Much of it is contextual to how I felt at the time, it doesn't apply to where I'm at currently.

Welcome home.

Looks Like I'm back to sharing my thought with a tiny screen that never replies. At least it gets out of my head.

I feel like an asshole, and why? Because everytime I try to help someone, they freak out about something. Is it so hard to imagine sometimes people do things to be nice?

I'm not perfect, but I'm also very far from morally bankrupt. I wear my mistakes for all to see, and I work on the rest. I have about two more paragraphs to write here but it's too emo even for me.
I'm sorry, who cares who's fault anything is, bad situations suck either way. Seems to me I usually willingly play the role of villian, so everyone else can justify their actions. It doesn't matter to me, whatever helps you sleep at night.
I'm looking forward to returning to my "normal" workflow and getting some new material done. Too often I get caught up in others aspirations, and forget to wish on a couple stars for myself.

The last few days

Haven't gone exactly how I'd planned. Somehow I'm ok with that though, one random bit of drama changes the course of my life, but there was nothing I could do to change it.
Honestly it makes life a bit easier, I've been neglecting some of my projects, not being able to manage my time equally.
I met someone interesting and nice, don't jump to conclusions there, I just don't meet people often.
I also had a dream about a friend, that calls into question how I feel about that friend. Either way it was just a dream, so I'll treat it thusly, just interesting.
The second some of my time frees up people come out of the woodwork ready to get things underway,oh and the website WILL be back up soon, just going through server changes. Funny how that works, the photography and other music projects are about to get busy again.
Moral of the story, it's good when someone reminds you how shallow the world can be, it helps you step out before you get lost in the deep end.
Keep your floaties on until next time.
Lucid