Monday, December 26, 2011
Doo doo doo
Started work on chapter 2 of xXRx-333, it's sounding good so far. Working more with guitars and vocals, a more aggressive sound, yet I think it ties well with the other material. I can't wait to see how it progresses.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Familiarity
I chased something I didn't want, so naturally when I caught it, I didn't appreciate it. Catch and release, so why am I hating myself for letting it go?
The heart is fickle, and chooses the opposite if what the brain tells it to. So I'm missing something I didn't want... How do you fill a void, created by ignorance? Every bone in my body, every ounce of my being said,"don't do this again." but the heart... It gets what it wants, and ruins the perfectly functioning cycle set forth to save the soul from injury, humiliation and pain.
This is where music is born, poetry conceived, and art sketched, in the throes of regret.
The heart is fickle, and chooses the opposite if what the brain tells it to. So I'm missing something I didn't want... How do you fill a void, created by ignorance? Every bone in my body, every ounce of my being said,"don't do this again." but the heart... It gets what it wants, and ruins the perfectly functioning cycle set forth to save the soul from injury, humiliation and pain.
This is where music is born, poetry conceived, and art sketched, in the throes of regret.
Escapism
Everyone wants to hear how great the progress on our work is. It's going well, photography, music, darqpress, and a few projects we haven't even announced yet.
I'm so busy writing my life, I have no time to live it. There is a hole where my heart used to be, now filled with every time consuming project I can take on.
I either waste my days or fill them chasing other people's dreams. I've simplified aspects of my day to day life, just to see other parts grow more complex.
I won't sit here and wine about how dark my personal life has become, it's not all bad. I am probably at the peak of my musical composition, I sit down daily and write music that quite accurately, even if disturbing... Conveys how I feel.
I've slowed photography, split between winter weather and lack of creative vision. The more I have to work with, the less I seem to envision.
Love was in my crosshairs, and at least I gave it one last try, that would be a long story to tell. Summary: I am open to finding someone, but I'm not wasting time looking. If I'm to ever find compassion in another's arms, it will be obvious, not sought.
Back to work... I just didn't want to abuse my blogging privileges again. It's been a lifetime since I've written here. So much has transpired it's hard to even convey in a way that others would comprehend.
I'm so busy writing my life, I have no time to live it. There is a hole where my heart used to be, now filled with every time consuming project I can take on.
I either waste my days or fill them chasing other people's dreams. I've simplified aspects of my day to day life, just to see other parts grow more complex.
I won't sit here and wine about how dark my personal life has become, it's not all bad. I am probably at the peak of my musical composition, I sit down daily and write music that quite accurately, even if disturbing... Conveys how I feel.
I've slowed photography, split between winter weather and lack of creative vision. The more I have to work with, the less I seem to envision.
Love was in my crosshairs, and at least I gave it one last try, that would be a long story to tell. Summary: I am open to finding someone, but I'm not wasting time looking. If I'm to ever find compassion in another's arms, it will be obvious, not sought.
Back to work... I just didn't want to abuse my blogging privileges again. It's been a lifetime since I've written here. So much has transpired it's hard to even convey in a way that others would comprehend.
Friday, October 21, 2011
I don't want to:
Give up, because I feel like I have been, consumed with impending doom thoughts, and just let life slip through my fingers.
Give in, thoughts of settling for less than what I actually desire have been on my mind a lot lately. Why should anyone settle? If I know what I want, then that's what I should seek.
Lose sight again so easily. I've been easily distracted from my goals lately, and there has been plenty to be distracted with, but I'd rather be productive than anything right now.
Write anything else here currently, because I have better things to be doing today.
Give up, because I feel like I have been, consumed with impending doom thoughts, and just let life slip through my fingers.
Give in, thoughts of settling for less than what I actually desire have been on my mind a lot lately. Why should anyone settle? If I know what I want, then that's what I should seek.
Lose sight again so easily. I've been easily distracted from my goals lately, and there has been plenty to be distracted with, but I'd rather be productive than anything right now.
Write anything else here currently, because I have better things to be doing today.
You can't grow up fast enough, until you're here and unprepared. I was the baby of the family, as the youngest, I never felt like I was taken seriously, and always walked in someone else's shadow.
The achievements of my sibling always seemed important to my family, as I grew older this sense of detachment and low self worth, caused me to grow into a black sheep, for years I put away any ideas of music or art, and cared little for anything other than skating and smoking. While there are plenty of memories and lifelong friendships born from those years, I simply was not myself. That's not to say I was being fake, I was just stifled under a haze of smoke and a sense of restlessness. I still feel restless but I try to harness that into my projects these days. As I grew older tools for making art and music found their way into my hands more often, of course I also began a family, which of course came first.
As my hobbies became more serious, they blossomed into career choices, which was a life long goal, but when your dreams can become your life, you realize if it's expected of you, it loses some of it's magic. When it's simply for fun, or a healthy outlet to voice yourself through, the world feels limitless.
When I started with music, it was hardware synthesizers, or dos based sampling/sequencing, so limited it was a chore just keeping steady rhythms and basic ideas took tons of effort to get from thought to reality. Now I have things gathering dust, that I couldn't even imagine existing back then, there are forms of synthesis that simply weren't thought of yet. The phone I'm typing on right now has more processing power, 8x the storage, and the ability to make music better than the computer I had back then. Few people even remember dos, and even less ever bothered with it. Now I can get a computer or synth for a fraction of what they cost, when they could barely handle anything. I digress, the point is the more tools I have, the more limited I feel in other ways. If I'd have handed myself a Nord lead 16 years ago, it would've blown my mind, yet right now, sadly, I don't have the space to even setup half my hardware, 2/3 of my bands rely on a bulk of music written on a computer rather than hardware recording.
Artistically, I used to sculpt, paint, and photograph everything. Yesterday I put pencil to paper and drew, and it felt so good just to draw again. I still photograph constantly and now film is a new avenue I can explore. When the mood strikes I love stop animation, but once again it's something I seldom take time for. There's a fancy little pen tablet in the corner, by the time we had the means to get one I was simply just used to using a mouse to paint and edit with, I'd love to start using it, but the reality is by the time I'm done getting the feel for it, the inspiration has usually passed.
As always my rant has led us very south of my original context. I actually wanted to talk about growing up seeking the approval of my family, where it's led me, and what it's taught me.
My brother is talented, he can sculpt, draw and sing like no other. I wish he'd take his art more seriously these days, he still sings, we even share a project now. As a child I watched my parents take joy in every achievement he made, and I didn't feel focused enough to hone any of my skills, I simply gave up eventually. A piece of me has always been an artist, even during the darker parts of my life I was always sketching or doing something creative, I merely didn't place any value on the finished product. My skills took me seriously long before I had any faith in them. I found myself on ever-growing stages, on the radio, in print, and signing autographs... It's still unreal to me some of things I've managed to accomplish. I never thought I'd have a distribution contract or be a cover photographer. Yet, the thing that has always plagued me, the shadow I never escaped. My achievements were of secular value, and my family was Christian, to the point the secular world had little place in our home. So my achievements, while amazing, felt too little, too late, or simply not recognized. I could this very second ask my father to name any song, magazine, or basically any affiliation I've ever had, an he could not tell me. Which after the first few things garnered little approval, I don't bother showing him, or telling him much anymore. My mother supports the idea of the life I lead, but really has little comprehension of the actual material. She's always been very patient with the very odd things that tend to surround me, yet I doubt she understands what the overall purpose is.
So, to my friends and fans over the years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's hard for me to tolerate myself most days, but I constantly get affirmation that others are always watching and listening. When I struggle through hard times and grow silent, I usually think about the people that hopefully find inspiration in what I do. This always leads me to document my way out of hardships, to simply create an escape from what troubles me. Thank you, I hope some small part of who I am has changed your life in some way. That is any artists true, pure intent. To mark some tiny corner of this world that may live on after me, if not physically than in someone's heart, I've accomplished what I set out to do.
The achievements of my sibling always seemed important to my family, as I grew older this sense of detachment and low self worth, caused me to grow into a black sheep, for years I put away any ideas of music or art, and cared little for anything other than skating and smoking. While there are plenty of memories and lifelong friendships born from those years, I simply was not myself. That's not to say I was being fake, I was just stifled under a haze of smoke and a sense of restlessness. I still feel restless but I try to harness that into my projects these days. As I grew older tools for making art and music found their way into my hands more often, of course I also began a family, which of course came first.
As my hobbies became more serious, they blossomed into career choices, which was a life long goal, but when your dreams can become your life, you realize if it's expected of you, it loses some of it's magic. When it's simply for fun, or a healthy outlet to voice yourself through, the world feels limitless.
When I started with music, it was hardware synthesizers, or dos based sampling/sequencing, so limited it was a chore just keeping steady rhythms and basic ideas took tons of effort to get from thought to reality. Now I have things gathering dust, that I couldn't even imagine existing back then, there are forms of synthesis that simply weren't thought of yet. The phone I'm typing on right now has more processing power, 8x the storage, and the ability to make music better than the computer I had back then. Few people even remember dos, and even less ever bothered with it. Now I can get a computer or synth for a fraction of what they cost, when they could barely handle anything. I digress, the point is the more tools I have, the more limited I feel in other ways. If I'd have handed myself a Nord lead 16 years ago, it would've blown my mind, yet right now, sadly, I don't have the space to even setup half my hardware, 2/3 of my bands rely on a bulk of music written on a computer rather than hardware recording.
Artistically, I used to sculpt, paint, and photograph everything. Yesterday I put pencil to paper and drew, and it felt so good just to draw again. I still photograph constantly and now film is a new avenue I can explore. When the mood strikes I love stop animation, but once again it's something I seldom take time for. There's a fancy little pen tablet in the corner, by the time we had the means to get one I was simply just used to using a mouse to paint and edit with, I'd love to start using it, but the reality is by the time I'm done getting the feel for it, the inspiration has usually passed.
As always my rant has led us very south of my original context. I actually wanted to talk about growing up seeking the approval of my family, where it's led me, and what it's taught me.
My brother is talented, he can sculpt, draw and sing like no other. I wish he'd take his art more seriously these days, he still sings, we even share a project now. As a child I watched my parents take joy in every achievement he made, and I didn't feel focused enough to hone any of my skills, I simply gave up eventually. A piece of me has always been an artist, even during the darker parts of my life I was always sketching or doing something creative, I merely didn't place any value on the finished product. My skills took me seriously long before I had any faith in them. I found myself on ever-growing stages, on the radio, in print, and signing autographs... It's still unreal to me some of things I've managed to accomplish. I never thought I'd have a distribution contract or be a cover photographer. Yet, the thing that has always plagued me, the shadow I never escaped. My achievements were of secular value, and my family was Christian, to the point the secular world had little place in our home. So my achievements, while amazing, felt too little, too late, or simply not recognized. I could this very second ask my father to name any song, magazine, or basically any affiliation I've ever had, an he could not tell me. Which after the first few things garnered little approval, I don't bother showing him, or telling him much anymore. My mother supports the idea of the life I lead, but really has little comprehension of the actual material. She's always been very patient with the very odd things that tend to surround me, yet I doubt she understands what the overall purpose is.
So, to my friends and fans over the years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's hard for me to tolerate myself most days, but I constantly get affirmation that others are always watching and listening. When I struggle through hard times and grow silent, I usually think about the people that hopefully find inspiration in what I do. This always leads me to document my way out of hardships, to simply create an escape from what troubles me. Thank you, I hope some small part of who I am has changed your life in some way. That is any artists true, pure intent. To mark some tiny corner of this world that may live on after me, if not physically than in someone's heart, I've accomplished what I set out to do.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Am I in sync?
I feel as though my study of life cycles, not in the sense of birth/life/death, but in that of ones tendency to repeat what makes them comfortable, be it healthy or not, they seek that which they know. I digress back on point, I'm starting to question if the knowledge and free will to step outside of this cycle cause chaos. My life has great turmoil right now, and only after months of being outside where I would usually feel comfortable, do I see that if I simply stepped back in sync at some point half the issues would vanish. They are somewhat caused by my misalignment. Events occur and make themselves known that would allow me to step back in easily, and now that I look back, it seems almost like the longer I stay on this path, the harder it gets, while I could sleepwalk through a mundane spoon-fed life inside my comfort zone.
I've studied numerology and fate cycles, I believe this to be closely related, I've just never taken number data down to smaller increments, fate cycles are usually measured in years and decades, yet people's lives repeat daily. A small stray may feel adventurous, yet easy to sync back in. Think about a vacation... When you return home, everything feels strange for a minute, then you step back into your life, in some cases even having to make up for time lost. We don't question it either; time wasn't lost, it was spent somewhere else, so why does it have to be recompinsated?
Is the chaos I feel on a daily basis, the void inside me, telling me something? I feel goals, tendencies, and obvious invitations to be who I once was. Study of myself and psychology, and attempting to evolve into a person I could deem, "better", may have thrown me of some part of a pre-ordained idea or path to where I was meant to be. This sounds insane, of course. This is completely theoretical, as such I probably shouldn't even speak of it.
Do you not have some idea of where you will be in a month? A year? That is projected probability based on your current path and the cycles you live inside of. You've built constraints and constructed a path, that few tend to question. Adventurous souls have weekend hobbies, however extreme, but feel selfish for having them. People off of their cycle for long times are probably nomadic, almost gypsy, or mentally unstable. It's not easy to attempt directing chaos, even worse now that I understand I've chosen this chaos. Not a single bad thing that has happened this year, in probability, would have happened on my normal path, they are all cause based, traceable back to where I ,"should" have been when they happened. Fate may be a bit more fickle than we expect.
Two choices present themselves: I can shut up, take the next chance to leap back into my life, or I can further explore a painful theory. The point though, is not to always choose the easy path, but to step back and logically choose, I usually choose on some karmic scale, often suffering for some ripple of an unseen greater good, an idea of morally right. This lands me in strange patterns, making life almost impossible to navigate. Once again I digress, to map it, or attempt to, would be to create a formula for a chaos cycle, as opposed to fate cycle, charting and math would be involved, but I'm guessing in a non-linear way. From studying music I've learned to enjoy 3/4 signatures, swing or almost anti-rhythmic styles. An anti-math might have to be used in the deconstruction of fate, the ultimate goal I'm guessing would be how to step successfully out of the self that fate and planning has built, without catastrophic results. Our reality is not,(for us) matter, molecules, gravity and planets; our reality is waking up in our bed, going through our routine and returning to slumber. Which begs the questioning of dream state and it's role in our lives too. The id and how to change it's needs, all conjecture at this point.
I'll be the old man that locked himself in a room with a urine bottle drawing circles and spirals on the wall.
I've studied numerology and fate cycles, I believe this to be closely related, I've just never taken number data down to smaller increments, fate cycles are usually measured in years and decades, yet people's lives repeat daily. A small stray may feel adventurous, yet easy to sync back in. Think about a vacation... When you return home, everything feels strange for a minute, then you step back into your life, in some cases even having to make up for time lost. We don't question it either; time wasn't lost, it was spent somewhere else, so why does it have to be recompinsated?
Is the chaos I feel on a daily basis, the void inside me, telling me something? I feel goals, tendencies, and obvious invitations to be who I once was. Study of myself and psychology, and attempting to evolve into a person I could deem, "better", may have thrown me of some part of a pre-ordained idea or path to where I was meant to be. This sounds insane, of course. This is completely theoretical, as such I probably shouldn't even speak of it.
Do you not have some idea of where you will be in a month? A year? That is projected probability based on your current path and the cycles you live inside of. You've built constraints and constructed a path, that few tend to question. Adventurous souls have weekend hobbies, however extreme, but feel selfish for having them. People off of their cycle for long times are probably nomadic, almost gypsy, or mentally unstable. It's not easy to attempt directing chaos, even worse now that I understand I've chosen this chaos. Not a single bad thing that has happened this year, in probability, would have happened on my normal path, they are all cause based, traceable back to where I ,"should" have been when they happened. Fate may be a bit more fickle than we expect.
Two choices present themselves: I can shut up, take the next chance to leap back into my life, or I can further explore a painful theory. The point though, is not to always choose the easy path, but to step back and logically choose, I usually choose on some karmic scale, often suffering for some ripple of an unseen greater good, an idea of morally right. This lands me in strange patterns, making life almost impossible to navigate. Once again I digress, to map it, or attempt to, would be to create a formula for a chaos cycle, as opposed to fate cycle, charting and math would be involved, but I'm guessing in a non-linear way. From studying music I've learned to enjoy 3/4 signatures, swing or almost anti-rhythmic styles. An anti-math might have to be used in the deconstruction of fate, the ultimate goal I'm guessing would be how to step successfully out of the self that fate and planning has built, without catastrophic results. Our reality is not,(for us) matter, molecules, gravity and planets; our reality is waking up in our bed, going through our routine and returning to slumber. Which begs the questioning of dream state and it's role in our lives too. The id and how to change it's needs, all conjecture at this point.
I'll be the old man that locked himself in a room with a urine bottle drawing circles and spirals on the wall.
Mutter.
"Don't hug people in public." this sounds odd, but in structure, makes sense. So we attempt to find a quick route to meaning and explanation. While the shortness of this sentence is not worth the dissection of it's whole parts, it was muttered from someone who suffers from mental illness. Strange things said in pairing, or spoken from nowhere and having no resolution or explanation, show signs of illness. My mother is sick, we've already taken her to the hospital, the psych ward, and this is what has returned to us.
As family, we have no right to question the hospital on her diagnosis, or what medications she is supposed to take. Trust comes into play, hoping a sick person will not hide things from us. Conspiracies and shame usually lead to aborting pharmicudical regimen.
So how then, do we help the person sitting in dark rooms, peeking around corners, asking questions that have no answers? If modern medicine deems the semi-annual, complete breakdown and incomplete reconstruction of this persons psyche to be passible as treatment, how are we to question it?
It's called guardianship, and it's not pretty. I can't say I'm sane, and I certainly am not maintaining my own affairs, yet one of my only choices to make sure she leads a healthy and happy life, is to go to court and take over as her guardian. I'd have to determine her choices and tell her legally what to do. What gives me that right? She should seek health and happiness by default, but the wiring doesn't allow her to see the ling and short effects of medical treatment... This from a person that technically has more abbreviations before her name than most doctors.
I am unfit, I am not well, I cannot direct someone else to a path I can't find myself. It's easy to say what should be done, but it's quite another to actually execute a plan to help this person.
I am at a loss. Stunted by my comprehension of how the medical community can simply ignore what should be a case study for them. If they don't understand this, then why do they not enquire, and get to know this illness?
As family, we have no right to question the hospital on her diagnosis, or what medications she is supposed to take. Trust comes into play, hoping a sick person will not hide things from us. Conspiracies and shame usually lead to aborting pharmicudical regimen.
So how then, do we help the person sitting in dark rooms, peeking around corners, asking questions that have no answers? If modern medicine deems the semi-annual, complete breakdown and incomplete reconstruction of this persons psyche to be passible as treatment, how are we to question it?
It's called guardianship, and it's not pretty. I can't say I'm sane, and I certainly am not maintaining my own affairs, yet one of my only choices to make sure she leads a healthy and happy life, is to go to court and take over as her guardian. I'd have to determine her choices and tell her legally what to do. What gives me that right? She should seek health and happiness by default, but the wiring doesn't allow her to see the ling and short effects of medical treatment... This from a person that technically has more abbreviations before her name than most doctors.
I am unfit, I am not well, I cannot direct someone else to a path I can't find myself. It's easy to say what should be done, but it's quite another to actually execute a plan to help this person.
I am at a loss. Stunted by my comprehension of how the medical community can simply ignore what should be a case study for them. If they don't understand this, then why do they not enquire, and get to know this illness?
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