Night terrors, sleep paralysis and what it tells us.

Walking alone down a long, dimly lit corridor, old paintings hang on the walls, the floors are scattered with paper and debris. I turn to focus on one wall, instead of finding a painting, I see a television hung sideways instead. The world quickly shifts and I realize it's not the television that's sideways, it's me. My eyes are open and I'm looking across the living room, at the tv which is turned off. I'm on the couch, moaning quietly. In my head, I'm screaming, flailing trying to wake my body, but barely a twitch comes in response to the waking world. I spend a couple more hours in and out of dreams and paralysis, sometimes purposefully forcing my way back into dreamscape out of aggravation with my lifeless body.

This is very common for some, sleep paralysis, sometimes night terrors, the two are intertwined. As horrific as the above scenario may seem, it's common place in my life. I'm an insomniac, quite severe actually, when left to my own tendencies, I can stay awake for three or four days, which has a horrible toll in the body and mind. I take medication, to help me sleep, which works well, though it increases my paralysis, trying to keep me asleep.
The situation in the couch told me a great deal, and finally answered some questions. As scary as it sounded, it was just very uneasy, shaking and vertigo, and frustration with not being able to speak. Every other time I've had paralysis, it was also defined as a night terror. Science defines it as bringing back dream fragments into our world, because we are still asleep, but our eyes are open. The dreamer is paralyzed, something the body does to protect us, otherwise we'd sleep walk or roll out of bed all the time. Then according to science we re-situate these dream fragments to fit what our eyes see, causing it to look like things are standing in our room late at night.
There's the science of it. Here's the reality for anyone I know that's ever had a night terror. You may not even think you're asleep, much less had time to enter REM( the point at which science says we dream, three hours into a sleep cycle) suddenly something is sitting on your chest, or something is in the corner speaking in an unknown tongue, your frozen, can't scream, can't make it go away. There are several points I'll make here, as I've had ample time to study them, but they'll come in no particular order.
I'll start with a question I posed myself: why if these are dream fragments, are they always incredibly evil? Why do they feel external? My mind could not Imagine some o the things I've seen... Literally, I couldn't grasp it, yet according to science my mind created it. Another question begging to be answered: I'm a very active lucid dreamer, if I know this is partial dreamscape, why can't I control it? 90% of the time if I'm having a lucid dream, I can shift the world or control any dream character, so why do these fragments taunt me?
As of last night, I have had paralysis, without the night terror. I won't say it was fun, but it wasn't pure evil either, and there was a degree of control to it, despite my body being shut off. Only upon further, similar experiences can I begin to answer questions about this, I assume it'll become another dream trigger, if my eyes open and I can't wake, I'll close them and become lucid. The opposite usually works for people who don't experience lucid dreams often. If you're having a nightmare, blink quickly, soon your real eyes will open and you'll be awake.
I am going to start studying night terrors, I have read several books that had a few chapters but nothing devoted to the subject. As I believe in a mixture of science, spirituality and psychology, I'd like to find non-scientific material approaching the subject. These "dreams" do not feel like they are part of me, although they are often the post result of a nightmare, that much isn't even the case always. Sometimes I am having a perfectly peaceful, normal dream, then suddenly thrust into this horrific scene in my room. It can hurt, the weight on your chest, aching. One thing that caught my attention, they do not respond like normal dream characters, and will defy commands, that any lucid scene would change, however sometimes they respond to spiritual commands, prayer, Christian techniques, the belief that letting an entity know it has no dominion and cannot hurt you. They sometimes respond to this, possibly get more aggressive or dissipate.
There is a lot more here I could talk about, and I'll probably do a part 2, as I encounter and study more. I'm interested by the less looming paralysis, as it could be a useful tool, rather than a bad experience.
Just know, if you are haunted by these type of dreams or phenomena, you are not alone, I have them often, and I've read many case studies. Right now I'm going to search for more solid written material. Sweet dreams.

In life the pain you'll regret, as much as the love you'll forget. Mark my words, pain you'll hate, and love you'll know. In time they both feed what we learn to grow.
To not know ruin, is to not accept love... Never speak of the above. I share with you, what you'll not accept, but in dark times learn to regret. The knowledge of, can bear fruit. More oft' than not, a sad pursuit.
The heart breaks, to feel it amend. The discontent, above we send.
On wings of angel we doth sow, our prayers to God for him to know.
May they be answered, may they be not. A thing of beauty; love, even wrong for naught.

90% of this feels quoted, but if it is, I'm unaware of the source. Surely inspired by others, but thoughts that ring true in my personal life.
Why is the hardest thing to recall in life the warmth of a touch? Is it because of how fleeting it seems, or because we take it for granted?
Life happens while we wait for it to start.
The greatest memories we possess are never ones we spent alone. Yet how often do we bother recalling them until the company is gone?
I am wasting my days, precious time, swaddled in regret, or hopeful for something I screw up. Right now is happening and what am I doing about it? I'm typing things that others may heed a glint of wisdom from, yet I have better ways to be living my life, if this were the last thing I ever bothered writing down, I'd have lived a worthwhile existence.

I almost forgot.

It's easy to lose track of ideas, especially ones that can change you're life. I'm going back to the love no matter what happens state of mind. I keep feeling like I'm about to get hurt.
If I'm truly offering my love no matter what, then I don't really have a reason to feel hurt by anything.
Can you tell it's feb? I keep talking about emotions and touchy feely stuff... Back to work boy.

I usually pre-type this stuff.

To avoid spelling errors, to stay on point, and well to avoid regret. I usually re-read it before I post unless it's silly. This isn't silly, and it's about regret, so I'm typing it straight to the blog, so I don't change my mind, or water anything down.

I liked myself better when you were around. That's sounds crazy and backwards, but it's true, and the only part of this whole thing I decided in advance. The more it bounced through my head all morning the more true it became.
Fucked up fate kept me from changing both our lives forever, and what will be a tiny memory for you someday of "that guy", will for me be the one thing I get to grasp onto, for a life I almost got to live.
Yeah, this already sounds crazy and too extreme, just damnit... That was so fucked up, and in good conscience no one can be upset about it. Because it all leads to something wonderful soon. Just not for me. I'm the memory, not the man.
I think I'll cut this short and maybe retain whatever bit of dignity I have in this situation. (I started to re-read it to add on, but a promise is a promise) *send button*

We are the orphans of the American dream, so shine your light on me.- rise against.

There is another face I dare not show
Another side of me you shall not know
This dark half held deep inside
For once it opens I'll be split wide

There's simply a side of me that you cannot heal
No passage of time can unwind what I feel
Unending waves of turmoil abound
my dark passenger makes no sound
It lies inside me scratching it way out
With deafening scream, a silent shout