The need for approval. The dependence on habitual behavior, even when the habit is stripped away. We're all creatures of habit, and day to day life is a circle of similar circumstances. Stepping outside of this circle is usually reserved for a "vacation" a special event that allows us to be comfortable in something new.
I cuss. I masterbate. I look at pornography. I drink alcohol. I consume tobacco. I eat to fill a void in my life, a void that can't be filled. I buy in to the idea that society has placed, that I should feel shame for all of these things.
I'm afraid. My anxiety has taken over and paralyzed my life. I'm lonely. Bored with routine. I can be pompous, arrogant and jealous. I dwell on the negative, which usually causes me to overlook the positive. I'm severely anti-social, unless I drink or take medication. I've almost died mixing the two. I am lazy, I procrastinate and blame it on things that would become better if I didn't. I'm an insomniac, though my medication causes me to sleep to much. I waste entire days, weeks... Passing time for something that's not coming.
I dwell on the negative, so how do I fix this? I create positive, tackle issues and accept that some are just flaws, I can try to overcome them, but shouldn't hate myself if I can't. I'm lonely, God, I'm lonely.
I treat others with respect, I try to be selfless when it counts. I try to recognize weakness and evolve. I cherish knowledge, music and art. I'm emotional, but that's a good thing, men can act like robots, even though they care, they're just scared to seem anything other than tough. I love, I laugh. Engaging conversation is addicting. I question the very fabric of existence. I dream, and I dream. I'm a recovering narcissist, that causes me to he too hard on myself. I don't like me, even though I try to be a really good person. I show my flaws, I don't misrepresent who I really am. People over-think me, I'm simple in all of my intricacies. I could be just as comfortable talking about existentialism, lucid dreams, or hearing fart jokes. I don't like bullies, especially mental bullies, or ones that squish my head. People shouldn't force what should come natural. Not everyone is famous, and they should stop trying to be... The world needs janitors, thinkers and line cooks all the same.
I'm ashamed of how shallow our world has become, beauty above brains, conformity, dependence on technology, addiction to cell phones and celebrities. Fuck twitter. I have always been a self-confessed electronics junkie, but I don't hold that with the same pride I used to. I like the ability and convenience to express myself in the most natural and accessible way possible, but similarities in society have led to rooms full of people talking to people that are not present. Look up, see where you are, or where you could be. Even though I'm writing this, I hope you're not reading it, instead I hope you're jumping in puddles, reading a book under a tree, falling in love. This is my therapy, it doesn't require an audience, if you've read this far, you may have missed out on something great, or you may have learned something. Put your phones in your pocket, talk to the person next to you, be in the moment, everything else can wait, in fact everything else can just vanish, and we can all share this moment... And this one.