Behold the power of conversation

People don't seem to understand why I'm not very sexually aggressive anymore. When I try to explain, it's either met with opposition or disbelief.

I enjoy conversation, it's great when I can sit and talk at length with a female I find attractive, but brain matter knows no gender.

Often it's thought snobbish to make a statement like that, but understand; it need not be a weighted topic like quantum physics or synthesis mapping. I had a twenty minute conversation with five people about thumbs yesterday, in it's own abstract way it was enlightening.

Nothing is sexier on someone than a great perspective. You probably won't change my views on a topic, but I love it when you try, and a fresh way of looking at a stale topic, often leads to new ideas.

Between constant sleep deprivation, and several head injuries, I respect what I can still manage to hold onto. Everyone should yearn for knowledge, seek out topics askew from what you are learning about, just to bring that knowledge back into what you are currently working on. I read or delve into subjects that travel far off the path I'm trying to reach, but it makes for a more robust journey.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm leading this, but it's just refreshing to attempt an explanation of why I don't react the way most would in social situations. While others may flock to obvious groups of people, I may tend to quietly watch, or seek out the one person in the room that can talk about depth of field, color coding, and zombie films all at once.
I'm tired of typing now.

Originally written June 24th

Lonely, sad, anxious, afraid to open up to the world and risk being hurt again. Think you're the only one that feels this way? Sadly part of this condition is making you feel you're The only person on the planet that suffers. In reality so many of us hurt, and rather than reach out to each other, we shell up, internalize, turn to alcohol, drugs, or sleep too much, or never sleep at all. We convince ourselves we're hated by everyone and that society is better off without us.
Usually overly critical people are very intelligent, they've just suffered hardships that make life seem unrelatable.
I seldom leave my house, sleep alone every night, have panic attacks constantly. I know there are others that live this life too. I'm here for you, as I slowly learn to cope and stay positive, I see more and more people that need help, but sometimes don't recognize a friend when they see it. Life doesn't have to be so hard. I'm here.

Updates

I've been writing on Facebook and ignoring my blog, but I always end up back here... I'm going to transfer what I've written there over here, so expect a flood of writing. Much of it is contextual to how I felt at the time, it doesn't apply to where I'm at currently.

Welcome home.

Looks Like I'm back to sharing my thought with a tiny screen that never replies. At least it gets out of my head.

I feel like an asshole, and why? Because everytime I try to help someone, they freak out about something. Is it so hard to imagine sometimes people do things to be nice?

I'm not perfect, but I'm also very far from morally bankrupt. I wear my mistakes for all to see, and I work on the rest. I have about two more paragraphs to write here but it's too emo even for me.
I'm sorry, who cares who's fault anything is, bad situations suck either way. Seems to me I usually willingly play the role of villian, so everyone else can justify their actions. It doesn't matter to me, whatever helps you sleep at night.
I'm looking forward to returning to my "normal" workflow and getting some new material done. Too often I get caught up in others aspirations, and forget to wish on a couple stars for myself.

The last few days

Haven't gone exactly how I'd planned. Somehow I'm ok with that though, one random bit of drama changes the course of my life, but there was nothing I could do to change it.
Honestly it makes life a bit easier, I've been neglecting some of my projects, not being able to manage my time equally.
I met someone interesting and nice, don't jump to conclusions there, I just don't meet people often.
I also had a dream about a friend, that calls into question how I feel about that friend. Either way it was just a dream, so I'll treat it thusly, just interesting.
The second some of my time frees up people come out of the woodwork ready to get things underway,oh and the website WILL be back up soon, just going through server changes. Funny how that works, the photography and other music projects are about to get busy again.
Moral of the story, it's good when someone reminds you how shallow the world can be, it helps you step out before you get lost in the deep end.
Keep your floaties on until next time.
Lucid

Cat naps. I have to remember how bad they are for you. Over the course of several days, the mind starts to break down worse than just sleep deprivation would cause. It's harmful over a long stretch to keep prematurely pulling the mind from NREM states without letting it finish cycling.
A few days ago a dialog with my brother opened up the query: "Is this why cats are so playful and odd?" if they never reach full REM they never are fully rested.
I've never seen that question arise in scientific study, although at the time of said discussion we were watching a nova documentary on dreams. They learned how to switch off sleep paralisys in animals, they showed dogs, cats and rats, up moving around but still asleep. I noticed the cats were the most agile. Just interesting.

Sleep deprived journal 24.7

Very sleep deprived, stuck in my own head. Recalling how we used to name every song thought with a different revision number after it. Until a song had lyrics, it was always thought4.2, or a similar means to library our content. In That instance the .2 would be the second revision of the fourth song. The higher the decimal number, the newer the version of the track. Just an odd process, it led me to think about the word thought. In my own sleep deprived breakdown it went something like this:
Thought can be so many things... Like, "I thought that our naming scheme made sense, but then a thought occured to me, why did we name them that way?" The single form of the word can encompass several tenses, or states in time.
Led me to this conclusion:
Thought is the think of yesterday, as if in a brain dead patient. What is the beauty of having a soul, without the ability to ponder just that? The soul, the symbolic "heart", the emotion love, does it exist without the thought? Every person is instilled with a different idea of what love is, it is a very mental state, and yet does our chest not ache, physically hurt, with the loss of love? Even with a sensory understanding of the human anatomy, it still seems like one cohesive experience, the entire body senses as a whole, not the sum of it's parts.
This is breaking down in my head and leading nowhere, just sleep deprived journal 24.7, see in that instance the .7 would be.....