I do the same thing most people do, just to carry on day to day. I look at life through a distorted lens, hoping if I try hard enough everything will be ok. It's not though, is it?
Some people are upset I've grown distant. The reality of how I life is bleak, so I try to severe any negative impact it could cause others. The majority of day day takes place in a very small room, and most of that time is spent on a small bed. I leave this room for maybe 4 hours a day, to eat, bathe and watch television. I leave the house approximately two or three times a month. One of those is to see a doctor for anxiety treatment. Thoughts of suicide were constant until just recently.
How honest should I be here? There are things I could say that will upset people, surely something I've said already has. I've been a prisoner to my own mind so long, that it is hurting my health, and as I only go to a psychiatrist and have no regular medical doctor, I can only guess what those health factors are.
Very recently life changes have caused me to worsen, I used to attempt social contact, but now feel like there is nothing in my immediate power that I can do to change my life.
I'm not asking for help, and I'm not wanting pity, it's why I don't talk about my life, or focus so hard on the things I can try to do, for a positive outcome. Music has been the one thing that's kept me breathing, but right now with no other stimulus I feel like I'm running out of steam musically as well. My phone doesn't work here, at all... If I were to leave the house for several hours, it might start working... Well, I'm typing this stream of thought, and realized halfway through that... That's not even true now, the service is off. It's hard to realize when I'm sitting here typing on it, but the wifi works, just no cell service, rather backwards from most people.
Those near me, have grown wary, and rightfully so, if I'm a lost cause, I don't want it to effect them either. It went from a scary situation, for reasons I don't even feel like ranting about right now, to a dead end. I can waste away, and it'll have less impact now, so I have been. The problem with pulling out of a depression like this, is the harsh reality you have to face in order to do so, and I've dug myself into such a small hole, the anxiety starts when I simply wake up, or leave my room. I'm typing this to spread knowledge and come to terms with my own mental illness. If you know someone with severe anxiety, visit them, take them somewhere. It may feel awkward and forced at first, but it may just save their life. I realize how completely crazy it is for me to just sit here, hour after hour... I feel guilt, I'm hurting others by my non-actions. I'm made to feel like a drug addict for taking anxiety medication, it barely gets me out of my room, much less seldom out the door. I have except for a couple of instances stopped smoking(clove cigarettes) and stopped drinking. Not for any healthy or moral purpose, but more because I have no easy access, so it's easier to not entertain thoughts of habits. The drinking got bad, and messed up a lot in my life, yet it helped with anxiety, at whatever immeasurable cost. It's not like I'll never have a drink again, but I'm aware now of how out of control things were at times, so I've got a better respect for mediation.
Let me get back to something I touched on earlier, there are a few things I have left to say.... If you love or respect someone that suffers with anxiety, and you sit and watch, or drop out of their lives for months, it feeds their tendency to withdraw. A year ago I was making great steps to some sort of normal life, just as quickly that all changed.
Now, my own harsh truths. Debt, which grows somehow, even in my absence from life or services that would cause debt. Loss, my close family won't speak to me, and I can barely speak back. On average I may accomplish two small conversations a day. Loss of my children, my rights are now being taken away, in a perverse action, without any regard for the finality and subsequent devastation it will cause in my life, and my children's. I've done nothing wrong, I've done nothing. I can sit here and cry, and feel wronged, but it won't change the outcome. This single loss, threatens my existence, I don't know a simpler way to state that. I have tried to do what I thought was right in the past, and my actions and non-actions have left me with a pain I cannot handle. I feeling of emptiness, out of a love for the children that were so suddenly torn from my life. Welcome to the breakdown, I've pretty much ditched any plausible moral I may have been extending, for a gut-wrenching realization, that I am losing everything, and have no way to stop it.
Fuck this.
As some sort of P.S. To the dark direction that accidentally took(darker than intended).... I will say a special thanks to those that take my words, my so-called friends, that copy what I say, and give it to my ex-wife. I won't delete or even complain. I say what I say openly, and it's not wrong to do so. I use no names, and it effects only me.
So, just to clarify: when I speak of touring, or things I've bought to use on tour.... To date I've spent $5 this year, for an app. Touring will consist of living on the generosity of friends, and whatever promoters can manage. The hope, is that I'll break even city to city, to get transport and a meal. A clean floor is about all I need for sleep, and anyone that's known me on tour can confirm that. Why tour then? In my case, to share the music I've written to keep my mind busy. A deeper reason, is in hopes of saving my life, shredding a weight that makes it hard to breath, forcing myself into uncomfortable situations, in hopes that after a few days, I'll snap back into reality.
Any other provisions have been supplied either through kindness or in trade for work. So while you quote me, and make me feel like the worst father ever, now you know the situation it's born from, and several of you knew me, when I had the kids, and they were my morning and night, my everything. EVERYTHING I do, is to try and fill a void from losing them.