I write, as if someone were to actually read it. Really it's just digital trash, maybe more convenient than a bookcase of journals, but either way, someday it'll all be lost, forgotten. This may have some dark undertone, but I'm actually just laying here typing, because I can't sleep. Often, the best insights and revelations are discovered when I'm just typing without thinking ahead. Self-discovery is an important thing, so is honesty. I type things people don't know, things I can hardly accept myself. In my years on this earth, the only thing I can say with certainty, is there is no certain path. I do, however believe we are fated, pushed rather, to sway certain ways. Sometimes you can feel deep inside when you've found yourself in the wrong place. You'll never feel at home in that situation, you can carry on and try to ignore all of the things happening; internal and external, or you can try to make right what is wrong. Even within the rules of fate, there is much freedom to be had, it's just that certain parts of your life were meant to be. It doesn't mean every meal, and every day were predestined, merely that we have a place, a place that's home to us.
Home does not always mean a building, your comfort may be in the arms of a lover, writing music, painting, something that fills the light half of your heart and makes you feel complete. Some people feel like they grow out of these things, or something finds them separated from their love.
A mans memory is a funny thing. You can look back, and know certain parts of your life were perfect, you didn't know it then, but it's obvious now. A bittersweet thing, to remember a perfect night, you can recall the smells, thoughts and emotions, things you took for granted in the moment.
Some of us are stuck in those moments, ghosts in our own skin, a living memory, doomed to question how we could have changed things, the great If. We may be blinding ourselves to some great life, because we don't dwell in the present.
At any given time, the soul, the mind can leave the body, if one is longing for something enough, they are there, not here. It may be in the present, like longing for a loved one, that's far away. Or it may be in the past, wanting for a moment that has already faded. Some people live in a world of regret, their great If, is something they never ventured. Fear is a funny beast, much like societies and modern ideas of moral upholding. A heart wants what it wants, no man, no law, no belief can change it. That basic understanding has slowly shaped our country over the past 60 years, but it's always something thought of in shame, years of hiding or lying to avoid backlash... I'm getting off track here, the main point is society always thinks something is wrong, until enough people want it, then it is societies view. Let's get back on topic, and let's cut the niceties.
Where is my heart? My mind? My soul? Well if you're internalizing those questions, be wary, it takes a brutal honesty to find the answers. But I'm asking about myself, and they're not easy answers. The biggest piece of my heart, which I will never have returned belongs to my wonderful children, a joy only a parent can know, and a sadness only the estranged can know. Small, fragile pieces of it are left in distant evenings spent with those I've loved. I could recall for you in detail specific moments, I could recount exactly who I should be with, I could make this a proclamation of love, but aside from the fact that it is (somewhat) unrequited now, that's not really what the point is. I have loved, I have lost. At least I loved, and can remember those stolen kisses, sweaty palms, because you just had to at least hold her hand... Memories that fade.
My heart is in music, in art, and if you ask me why, I'd have a two-fold answer. Firstly, I've loved everything about music and art since childhood, and I'd be driven mad if I couldn't express it in some form. The worst years of my life were when I stifled my artistic side. Secondly, I have to. Music is the great bandage, the perfect distraction, that holds what's left of this heart together. I fill every void with artistic expression, which doesn't hold well, it's imperfect, yet it's the only thing that keeps it beating.
I have more points to make here, but I want to sidestep, momentarily, just to speak about our wandering spirits. Our hearts, minds, souls, really comprise of mostly similar things, and one could argue that the heart doesn't love the mind does, but the heart will ache, the soul and the mind become restless. These terms, could be intertwined or disagreed upon, but the fact is, no matter your belief, scholar, poet or spiritualist, we all recognize the being, our consciousness, no matter where it comes from, personally I believe it healthy to accept all three. Getting off the beaten path once again... If someone were reading this, I'd want to show them something. They'd learn a lesson here: how to bring your spirit back to here, back to now. Sometimes it's fleeting, for the concerns of the day, or the memory that hurts really wants our attention. But if you close your eyes, and breath, I won't go through an entire session here, meditation, self-hypnosis, anxiety control, reality testing... They all teach similar processes, the end result is to realign your spirit and your flesh. To be here now. You have to, and most can feel it when they are restless, call your spirit back. You've spread it thin, and left bits of it in silly places, small concerns and regrets, places you fractured yourself, and left a part of you there. It happens daily, just drifting thoughts place us elsewhere, not a single soul is exactly where they want to be all the time. But if we call it back, release those tensions, fears, regrets, and even for now, lost love, longing... Bring it back to you, feel the warmth around you, as you bring yourself back, you'll notice small pains in the body, and minor things like that, possibly unpleasant background noise. Why do you notice them? Because you're here now, you were ignoring those pains, those car horns, but they're part of your now. Revel in the moment, the completeness of the situation, in fact, put this down and quit reading, just tk enjoy the senses.
It can be fleeting, can't it? One stray thought and we're releasing energy that belongs here and now. The trick is to call yourself back daily, and for extended amounts of time. Soon, you'll be in the moment more often, rather than spread across space and time. This is a step to becoming lucid, a lucid dreamer has to recognize now, when they are awake, to recognize now, and the inconsistencies of the dream world when asleep. I'll write a lot about lucid dreaming on one of these adventures, it is after-all my nickname and my sons namesake. Just know that(off topic), lucid dreaming is one of the most rewarding things a person can learn, and if we don't question our surrounding when we're awake, why would we when we're asleep?
It's reality testing, but it also calls us to the moment, somewhere most of us rarely exist in. I tell my brother to "count the yellow cars" which means make some silly list of things and count them daily, this forces you to interact with the world. One day you'll be counting a car and watch it fly away... You're not awake.
If I were to babble much more about this, I'd get into "totems" reality testing objects. At first you'll have light-switches, watches, cell phones, paper... Things that do not function in a dream world; next you'll probably, I you become an avid lucid dreamer, have a personal item, a "totem" a physical object like a coin to test reality... The words won't sit still or it will defy gravity. Mine, became a permanent fixture... My tattoos signal when I'm awake or asleep, if they won't sit still then I'm not awake. When I first chose to make this my totem, I became lucid and took all the ink, swirled it down my arm, out my fingertip and into the air, swirling it a liquid sphere, quite an experience. My next tattoo session, I'm getting in bold text, "wake up" tattooed on my left finger. I'll check it daily, to make sure it says wake up, if it doesn't, then it's time to wake up... Mentally, not physically. You'll get there, then you'll understand.
This was another rant that really went three directions, but that's what happens with thought. Go flip the light-switch, or check what time it is. Be awake, even if you're asleep, and be here and now.