I've taken on a sea of creative work, and while I love every minute of it all, I think xXRx speaks to me, insisting on attention. Eating my days away until the sounds are just right. I can't undergo that level of scrutiny with the other projects and while it's exhausting, I think it's exactly what I need.
I suppose this o's an apology, if I ever seem to be distant, xXRx is my blood, I'm always "there" writing.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Oct 5th
No that's not today's date. It's one month away. One month I have to decide what becomes of my life, or someone else will choose it for me. A trash basket landed me in this decision making process, something so small will change my life forever. I can either walk out of prison almost 50 years old, or I can take my life. Suicide is never the answer, I know. When you're faced with this, I give you permission to choose what's best for you. Considering the type of person I am, and my health status, a fifty year old man won't be walking out anyways. The two most likely scenarios... I get beaten so badly that I don't recover, or my depression leads me to starvation or worse. Given those choices, I have no idea what to do. I enjoy life so much, and I've wasted so much time on things that don't matter; now with one month left, I'm still suffering from anxiety daily, making it nearly impossible to leave my home.
My children, I love them so much, and I hate missing them everyday. What they must think of their failed father. I've been trying to fix my life, but this incident from nine months ago, drags it into oblivion.
I thought I'd met someone, worth my celibacy, worth my live and UNDYING respect. It crashed before it took off. It was great privately, but to cross glances once in public, I got the cold shoulder. Even the respect of saying hi, to acknowledge what you want from me, would have sufficed. Just to desire her, broke so many of my personal rules on dating. Even though that hurt, she is amazing, and will have a great life.
As I watch the days peel back, revealing nerves I've never had exposed, every tick of the clock mocks me. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll end happy, I won't choose to end my pain, instead I'll be sent away because of an accident that didn't hurt anyone or cause any damage. I'll fight or I'll waste away, and somehow that makes your freedom of daily life easier to choke up and waste. It's been great chatting, I may not make another entry here.
To those that know some aspect of me, to those I've shared part of my life with, I love every single one of you, I wish I could've been more social, a bit more honest about the torment I hide in my heart, I wish I could have loved more, made more art, shared my world with you. It's been an interesting journey, I hope I've left a piece of me behind.
My children, I love them so much, and I hate missing them everyday. What they must think of their failed father. I've been trying to fix my life, but this incident from nine months ago, drags it into oblivion.
I thought I'd met someone, worth my celibacy, worth my live and UNDYING respect. It crashed before it took off. It was great privately, but to cross glances once in public, I got the cold shoulder. Even the respect of saying hi, to acknowledge what you want from me, would have sufficed. Just to desire her, broke so many of my personal rules on dating. Even though that hurt, she is amazing, and will have a great life.
As I watch the days peel back, revealing nerves I've never had exposed, every tick of the clock mocks me. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll end happy, I won't choose to end my pain, instead I'll be sent away because of an accident that didn't hurt anyone or cause any damage. I'll fight or I'll waste away, and somehow that makes your freedom of daily life easier to choke up and waste. It's been great chatting, I may not make another entry here.
To those that know some aspect of me, to those I've shared part of my life with, I love every single one of you, I wish I could've been more social, a bit more honest about the torment I hide in my heart, I wish I could have loved more, made more art, shared my world with you. It's been an interesting journey, I hope I've left a piece of me behind.
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