Awoke to this world of noise. Machines, chatter, the world has grown loud, humans and their pets, noise.
May I return to realm of sleep soon? I wish a speedy venture back to slumberland.
Who is actually asleep? The drones that carry out their tasks, repitition and mediocrity at best? 16 hours of pain, just to enter a world they have no understanding of for a third of their life. What is heaven and hell? When this flesh tires, we return to our other reality. Those that repeat the same mistakes, and let their subconscious control them suffer the whims of their own fate. Those that choose to be awake, even when asleep, we are blessed with that skill in the nether, the after, the astral. We control our world, we understand this collective idea of reality is nothing more than vibrations of matter, but to live while asleep is more rewarding than this world.
I wish a hasten my return, to the world of nemo, no longer little, he's a king under there, watching over our slumber. Over 100 years old now, though age in slumber matters little.
I awoke, to this world of noise.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A fathers wish.
As I carve the thirty-second notch in this thing you call a life, I'm reminded of the only thing that keeps me going. They should be with me right now, but the mental illness still wanders these halls at night, something I cannot subject my children to. Her illness can't effect them, it does enough damage to the rest of us.
How will they see me years from now? How will they remember their father?
The failure I feel like? Or will I manage to give them at least one thing to respect?
I love them both so much, I hope they know that. Even as my last name is erased from history, I hope they keep a small piece of me in their hearts.
Traces of my presence can be felt, I hope, in the hearts if those that have actually known me. Fragments of me are left behind in what I've chosen to share with the world. This all sounds very sad, but you're just reading it wrong. I wear suach a grin when I manage to leave this prison of a house, you'll only see me wear a smile.... When you see me.
How will they see me years from now? How will they remember their father?
The failure I feel like? Or will I manage to give them at least one thing to respect?
I love them both so much, I hope they know that. Even as my last name is erased from history, I hope they keep a small piece of me in their hearts.
Traces of my presence can be felt, I hope, in the hearts if those that have actually known me. Fragments of me are left behind in what I've chosen to share with the world. This all sounds very sad, but you're just reading it wrong. I wear suach a grin when I manage to leave this prison of a house, you'll only see me wear a smile.... When you see me.
It is
Today marks the annual celebratory practice of the recognition that I was indeed squirted out of my mothers vagina. Some humm-diggity years later I have one failed marriage, a bad back, and several piercings to mark my path on this mortal tether. Like me more now? Yeah, me either.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
If only they understood
It's hard to explain to anyone how my life works. I guess I started thinking about this when I saw someone at the store yesterday that doesn't like me anymore, but we used to be good friends. I started to try and remember why we weren't friends anymore, then realized it wasn't worth drudging up old memories.
I am going through a lot of hardships right now, and still trying to be positive and accomplish what I've set out to do.
Mental disorders hault life, stunt the spiritual growth of an individual, even if it's not their mental health issue. I deal with it everyday, between my own problems, and mental health problems of others in the house, it seems I don't get to live a "normal" life.
Today was supposed to be epic, huge plans... But I'm watching it unravel. I can tell how the day will end. I won't project it in that direction, I'll fight to keep it enjoyable for others, but on the inside I'll be hurting.
Because of household issues I don't even know if I'll get my kids next week, that breaks pretty much what was left of my heart.
I am going through a lot of hardships right now, and still trying to be positive and accomplish what I've set out to do.
Mental disorders hault life, stunt the spiritual growth of an individual, even if it's not their mental health issue. I deal with it everyday, between my own problems, and mental health problems of others in the house, it seems I don't get to live a "normal" life.
Today was supposed to be epic, huge plans... But I'm watching it unravel. I can tell how the day will end. I won't project it in that direction, I'll fight to keep it enjoyable for others, but on the inside I'll be hurting.
Because of household issues I don't even know if I'll get my kids next week, that breaks pretty much what was left of my heart.
Monday, March 7, 2011
25 lucid dreams and the illness that creeps in.
Last night and this morning I enjoyed the most lucidity I've had in a long time. My dreams were vivid and long lasting. I had time to meditate, fly, manipulate gravity, morph my world. In the first dream I used my favorite cue, my tattoos, to remind me I was dreaming, then for fun I made all the ink run down to my fingertips and seperate from my skin, then I manipulated the ink in the air.
In some of the dreams I was nude, but no one reacted oddly because they realized they were dream characters. In one I was running on the beach and felt the sand, built a sandcastle just because the reality of it felt amazing. I ran to the water and remembered dream water doesn't require holding breath, so I walked along the ocean floor examining and manipulating the various inhabitants.
I used a new technique, upon waking from a lucid dream, it can be difficult to fall back asleep, and harder still to remain lucid. I used a technique similar to self hypnosis, counting and becoming lighter, until I was floating in my bed, the transistion back into dream was perfect, as soon as I was floating I knew I was asleep.
I've returned to the stage, Saturday marked my first official live show with unto the black, and my first stage show in 2 years(other than hooks). It's great to get back up there, I'm sore and tired, and tommorow I take hooks. This is a major part of my life that was missing.
A familiar illness fills the halls of this home, she's letting herself slip again. My kids are to come for spring break, this may be difficult.
In some of the dreams I was nude, but no one reacted oddly because they realized they were dream characters. In one I was running on the beach and felt the sand, built a sandcastle just because the reality of it felt amazing. I ran to the water and remembered dream water doesn't require holding breath, so I walked along the ocean floor examining and manipulating the various inhabitants.
I used a new technique, upon waking from a lucid dream, it can be difficult to fall back asleep, and harder still to remain lucid. I used a technique similar to self hypnosis, counting and becoming lighter, until I was floating in my bed, the transistion back into dream was perfect, as soon as I was floating I knew I was asleep.
I've returned to the stage, Saturday marked my first official live show with unto the black, and my first stage show in 2 years(other than hooks). It's great to get back up there, I'm sore and tired, and tommorow I take hooks. This is a major part of my life that was missing.
A familiar illness fills the halls of this home, she's letting herself slip again. My kids are to come for spring break, this may be difficult.
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