"Let's just do it, let's just kill ourselves." she says from the bathroom, the bathtub. It echoes in your head, before a response can be processed..."let's get high one last time and drown, it'll be easy, and we'll be together."
That was years ago, I'm still on this plane, so is she, though hundreds of miles separate us.
Death? It sounds so scary, so final. Once you've died a few times, you get the hang of it. Death and sex are the only things that drive someone. In the greater sense, everything is death and sex. Generally speaking, you're seeking one and trying to avoid the other. Some of us have crossed circuits and they flip. But then intellect mixed with tried and true habitual behavior, makes this easy to understand. Even orgasm, is "little death" translated.
Build your society, deity, work, exercise, social behavior is starting to be lost on me all together.
This is unfinished. I'm tired of typing after three somewhat identical pieces for one morning.

Definition by excess, impulse, consumption. A clove in the hand, it's embers fade as I type, a break... To drag slowly, a French inhale, as much a habit as the device itself. Maybe for you it's coffee, sex, food, television, drugs, or alcohol. You can have your nine-to-five, but even on breaks, at work, you are addicted to them. I say them, because it's not one of those things. A mixture, sometimes one just delays the need or accents another. You're thinking about yours right now, but then... You were fifteen minutes ago as well. Unless you're a very slow reader, I'd clock that before you started reading this. You're mouth is watering now though, because whatever they are that define you, even if you have stayed away for years... You're mouth still moistens when you think about them. All are sexually driven creatures, to state it bluntly, these others are sub-definitions, a habit can outlive sexuality, certainly. Even the successful rehabilitation, is just learning what else you can train yourself to do. Exercise, thrill seek... Any extreme, is a diversion from something else, usually the polar opposite, but not always. What is it that quickens your breath? Causes blood flow to increase? What are you missing right now? You can tell me... I have plenty, collected for years, and as I outgrew them, something always had to fill the void. Children, life's one great distraction... To care for and carry on thy seed. Yet, what happens to the soul ripped away from parenthood? A void that needs filling, that can never be met. You can try to get the gods attention, but no matter what you burn through... There's a hollow. Mine has whittled to a simple life of depravation, I try to neither indulge the impulses, or give in to the depression. What kind of human allows ink filled needles to pierce them thousands of times? Hooks in the back or cheeks to be pulled from? Trading in, selling out, settling down. Orange bottles fill that drawer, never thrown away so month by month an account can be shown. I crave hooks, hard sex, and depressants. In fact, I can't sleep without medication, and usually an orgasm. Pornography though blasphemed has certainly made avoiding the strongest of all urges; flesh, the ultimate goal behind your fast cars, and high heels. Lip-stick, Armani, just sex, in pursuit form. Those two minutes after an orgasm, especially for us men... The only time we think clearly, often, shame or regret fill those two minutes, a scramble to cloth ones self, the shame/sin of nudity, or the realization that you lost control.
Now where are we? My clove went out several minutes ago, my palms are already sweating, I don't even want to smoke. It wastes time, which is it's actual purpose, just distraction. Before the day is done, I'll have watched tv, masterbated, eaten, taken medication to calm, and then to sleep. I'll chew on my lip rings, shake my legs nervously. Anxiety, nerves... Huge issues for me. What am I anticipating? What am I expecting? It never comes, it'll be the same strain tomorrow, just to get to the next day, they pass and nothing happens, nothing substantial . Life-altering wow moment where the wait goes away. We're all waiting for it... No matter how well you distract yourself. The ID inside us, primal self, knows it needs something. You can pray away your semen stained sheets, and cover up your bruises, while you wait, disguise habits, while you wait. In every pleasurable moment I've been in, I've known there would be another, or that it was nowhere near as good as one from the past. Meditate and exercise, pray to the fallen, worship whatever deity that helps you waste time. Even if that deity is self. Waste time, or wait. I'm typing while my heart hurts, literally.... This has become my time, typing rapid thoughts, flashes if life I know we've all lived. But I grow tired of typing. What impulse to feed next?

The gravity.
It's how you know you've almost succeeded, yet fell short of the intended goal. It pulls so hard that you can't stand up anymore, you try, no matter how peaceful you feel, for some reason you struggle. I imagine the last thing you'd feel, consciously anyways, would be falling, through the floor, a slight spinning but not lot being drunk, just heavy. Why do we struggle? It was the state you were entering, on purpose. Just fall asleep, go in slumber, to stay forever in rest. No, we struggle, "if I can just stand up, I'll be ok. Go to the bathroom or outside for a minute, and take a few breaths." somehow, we manage to overcome the earths pull, to become biped once more. I, personally have had to spend a few minutes trying to exit a field. Somehow the gravity waited just long enough to let me talk my way out of being surrounded by cops. Hands on batons, asking if I was ok. Six by my count, but I wasn't looking behind myself. They were surrounding me, asking if I was going to hurt myself. No, I already had, now just go away before it kicks. They must have been busy, usually someone like me... I'm a prize, "we got one of the tattooed freaks off the streets." but no, they left. As I turned, to walk home, assuming I was lucky to not have new bracelets around my wrists. The kick, the ground, stomach, can't do a push up, from the back my neck was too heavy. From what I'd assume to be about six minutes I finally stood... Used gravities pull against it, leveraging just enough, to fall gracefully forward and catch myself before dropping, two and a half blocks. Swaying all over the road, no one was watching. By the time I had reached my door, I had driven off the beast I had called upon myself. It ravages, I have a specific blend, but everyone is different, mine is one of a few choice benzodiazepine, and some sangria. Taken in a small moderate dose, it blends to a delightful, relaxed state. In larger amounts, however it makes you very drowsy. In instances I've used other alcohols, the only worth mentioning is absinthe, it could get you there quickly as well. Never again whiskey, not for the intention, black out or violent, before even getting the desired state. Add some sleeping pills, you can feel yourself start to empty. It never comes. One of these days gravity will win, and I'll stay down. Until then, it's just something I hold inside, waiting. A few more sips, a couple more milligrams. I'm nothing more than a cautionary tale, waiting to be told. A shell waiting to be shed. Let me free from this coil, so I can wait to be joined, someday, by those I miss. This life, already lost it's purpose.

The moments that made life worth living. (in no particular order.)
Memories can be made any moment, of any day, though it seems nearly every moment worth remembering, was shared with someone else. You might be in here somewhere, not by name. Just memories. I won't bother putting ex, as a prefix to anything, because in the memory, it wasn't over.

The exact moment I became a father(my sons birth)
The day my daughter was born
My two weddings to the same girl(despite all the pain, there were some good years)
A late night talk, on a bench in a cemetery.
Unrequited love, every single, bitter-sweet one.
When we jumped off a balcony, ran, drunk, ditched all of the pretty girls, just to hang out and talk. Broke my foot jumping off there.
Every trip to incredible pizza with my kids and girlfriend.
When you gave me mouth to mouth, and saved my life, even though I don't remember it, I'm alive because of it.
When I sent a txt, that just said"tell me it'll be ok", and you replied"it'll be ok". You too saved my life.
Doing kind and selfless acts for others, even when they didn't understand. I've spent my adult life, trying to be what everyone should try to be. I hope at some point I did something for you.
When we sat and recorded together, and made something beautiful.
Long walks, with cameras in hand, snapping everything, discovering entire new ideas.
Every minute of every hour, spent on all the stages across the country. With everyone, yes even him. Those nights are all magical, even the loading, and complaining, getting sick, drunken behavior(whether yours, mine or someone else) we would always laugh, and share a one of a kind experience, no matter where we were.
Very recently, and very bittersweet, meeting family I'd never met, my cousins children. They look like her, and they are the same age as my kids, they're amazing, and they make me miss all three of you.
Going to see "it's a wonderful life" with you, holding your hand.
Walking halfway across town with you, to walk you home. Finally getting to know you.
Every intelligent, heart-felt conversation, whether we agreed or disagreed, it was enlightening.
Spending three days with you, on tour, aside from the amazing moments. Secretly falling in love with you in the process. I never told you.
That really brings up a lot of memories. I fall in love too easy, and I wait too long to say it, or I don't even do anything about it. If you thought I was falling for you, I probably was. No matter how innocent.
The first time I saw my daughter walk.
Watching the sun rise that morning in New Orleans, surrounded by my favorite people.
The tattoos above my knees, and the layers of meaning. Especially you.
Making breakfast for my kids, every time, no matter how tired, I had a smile on my face.
That first landed kickflip.
When I realized with both music and photography, I was being taken seriously. My passions, became my life.
Sitting on the balcony, watching the rain with you.
The pride I felt, with every major accomplishment. Not a single one was done alone. I have all of you to thank, for helping make those milestones happen.
The first bandaid I put on my sons scraped knee, even though he was crying, it made me remember when I was in the same position, and how I felt like my parents could fix anything.
The first time my daughter caught a snowflake.
Choosing art over love.
The day last year, that I hit bottom, for probably the third time in two years, but this time, I came to a decision, I forgave you for what you did, I let those weights go, because I couldn't carry my life forward, holding on to old pain. That said, the below section... I don't hold these in anger anymore, they still happened.







The moments that made life very hard to live.
The day Colby took his life.
The day Amy died.
When I found out Andy died of cancer.
When my daughter, wrapped her arms around my leg, and said,"it'll be ok daddy, don't cry."
When I awoke in the hospital, and saw my hands covered in blood.
The night I blacked your eye, maybe I don't remember, but our bond as brothers was never the same.
The night I called you, and tried to commit suicide.
When I thought I could trust four strangers, because you said I could. The brick, the hospital, the next month of recovery.
Every wasted day, spent in fear, self loathing, or anxiety.
The day you said you hate me. You very much meant it.
Watching your heart break, slowly, and not being able to stop it. You're better than that.
Leaving all of my friends behind.
Leaving you behind. My entire family shamed me that day.
The result of that test you took. And knowing I can't be upset about it.
Valentines day, at least four of them, that hurt very badly.
Deciding to call you, to take care of the kids, so I could help get my mother the treatment she needed. That day you took them, put a dark cloud over me, that never passed.
Anytime things got so mundane that I disrespected you.
Holding my son, in the snow, waiting for the ambulance.
When I realized I had failed, despite all good intention, I had wasted years of my life.
When I realized the love wasn't there anymore. It wasn't anyone's fault, we just grew apart.
Not answering your calls, staring at the name, crying.
When I knew you liked me, but decided not to do anything about it, because I was moving, and didn't want to break your heart.
Being so alone, and feeling like it'll never change.
Seeing people get what they deserve, no matter how bad they are, or how long it took. It always comes, and it's never good seeing someone hurt, even if it was karma.

Every stupid, cocky, intoxicated night, I'd act like an ass, and wake full of shame.
The things I can't change about myself, the things that lead me to self-hate. No amount of willpower or responsibility can change most of them.
My addictions, past, present, future. We're all addicted to something in every part of our life, usually to multiple things. Realizing I can't change that, is worse than the addiction itself.
The dissolving of every music project, it never gets easy to know you'll never share that stage again.
Wishing you would die. No matter what someone does, that is a wish wasted on hate.
When my own dr gave up on me, I was old enough to know better. Yet young enough to be very hurt and confused.
When we let the sickness go too far, our denial changed our lives forever, and bound us to something we have to live with. I regret what I was about to type here.
Choosing art over love.
Setting this list down, and realizing, I can't change, or add to, a single thing on it. That is the point of memories, they are the past. There is so much longing, so much regret. Time has faded our bonds, whether unkind words, misunderstanding, death, or merely hundreds of miles. I can't change, fix, make up for, continue, or properly tell you how I feel. A literal pull is on my heart, because it's not in my chest, it's with you.

This list will be added to over time, but that's all of the goods, bads, and the rollercoaster I can handle right now.
I love and respect you.