Adore

You taught me a new way to love, it was hard at first, very hard. Sharing you isn't easy, and knowing you're leaving soon makes me sad sometimes. I've accepted all of this, and I just soak up every moment I have with you, so I can recall them when I feel lonely.
Right now you're laying on the couch with me, we've been holding hands. I kept looking at you, while you watched a movie. I was more interested in memorizing your face than anything on the television.
I'm going to miss you, I'm going to hurt, there will be a void in my bed that will cost me nights of sleep. I'll always have these memories though, and that's all I need to be happy. You've reshaped my life, and I'll never forget you.
I love you.

I was watching you play with your niece, it made me realize what I almost had. It choked me up and I almost cried. It was just a glimpse of a life not lived.
I so very happy for you, and hope this completes your life and helps you achieve happiness.
Maven is a very lucky man, I hope that he treats you with the respect and love that you deserve.
It's hard holding you, joking with you, and loving you, when I know it ends soon. You've gotten me out of the house everyday, and eased my anxiety just by being close.
Not only am I losing you, I like your family, they're really nice and understanding, not All people accept me as I am.
There's more I want to say, but right now we are playing balderdash.

Lucid S Darqly?

Lucid S Darqly? Wow that is goth. What the hell does the S stand for anyways?
I'm glad you asked. See kiddo technically it stands for nothing, yet symbolically, stands for something. In one short step I'll teach you how, with common everyday products you already have in your kitchen or bathroom, you too can solve this question. In one easy step you will start to understand. First let's gather what we need:
1. A 2-liter bottle cap,( it must be a 2-liter, coke products work better, but are not required.)
2. An empty cardboard toilet paper roll
3. One (no.2) pencil
4. One blank sheet of paper (wide-ruled is preferred)

Got you're items? No? Ok I'll wait.
Yeah? Ok, let's begin.
Step 1. Lay down the sheet of paper on a flat, dry surface.
Step 2. Set the 2-liter lid in the middle of the paper.
Step 3. Look through the toilet paper roll at the lid from a 45 degree angle.

Do you see that? No?
Ok let's try it this way, then you'll understand.

Step 1. Remove the bottle cap from the paper.
Step 2. With you no.2 pencil write the abbreviation for Lucid S Darqly on the paper.

Now you're starting to get it champ. Way to go!
Ok, now would be a great time to throw away all those useless items I made you gather. I'll wait.

Ok, now then LSD, what is this magical abbreviation?
Magical indeed Timmy!
See as a whole the Lucid and the Darqly come from two different parts of life, Lucid a nickname given many years ago from countless hours of lucid dream experimentation, and Darqly a last name worn in honor of what began as a stop animation endeavor, and ended up as a website, and music project. It all began with The Brothers Darqly, originally founded for art, soon crossed over to music. Borrowing the name style from a bygone era, from two influences: The Brothers Quay, and The Brothers Grimm. This was a symbolic badge worn with the two real life brothers.

You still haven't explained the S.

I'm getting to that damnit! Timmy just be patient.
Now take all of the information I just gave you, and throw it away... All lies.
Whoa! I hope you didn't really throw them away, we may actually need those a little later on, shh now, don't worry, I wouldn't waste your time twice.
Now let's throw this S back in there and abbreviate.
LSD? Sounds familiar. To understand this further, we're going to have to take a small trip. To Germany, where else? All good abbreviations start there!
Lysergsäurediethylamid.
Bless you!
Oh that wasn't a sneeze. That's German! Common mistake. See this is translated to:
lysergic acid diethylamide
In English, that funny word, made three smaller but similarly funny words.
But that's LAD?
Whoa now, who told you to skip ahead? We're getting there...
Actually, not so much. Honestly there's no reason that Americans abbreviate with the German spelling. Well maybe one, there's is a theory. If you ask me, I think they were on lysergic acid diethylamide when they named it.

Make sense? No? Well I tried. Moving on.
Now we know that the S in LSD is from lysergic acid diethylamide which makes no freaking sense, so now what is the S in Lucid S Darqly stand for?

Nothing, absolutely nothing. It probably makes sense in German. But it was just some cool gothic gimmick, so you'd all question it, until you abbreviated it. Then you'd be like,"ooooh", then you'd be like,"oooh", and finally you'd arrive at,"oh."
So what've we learned today?
Well let's not question everything and just have fun. Maybe relax, eat some LSD. Just don't over-think a nickname, they're just words Timmy. Just words.
Now, where are your parents? They swore they'd be here by six.

I realized something tonight. Something that could make the world a different place. What if people start giving love? Not giving love because... There's no if and or but there. Just giving it without expecting something back.
Too simple? Maybe, but I'm willing to risk it. I love someone special right now, and when I thought I screwed that up earlier today, I thought, "I'll still love her, she can feel how she wants, but this love is hers."
Knowing this even calmed me, now don't look at that as a silver-lining or you've just created a give and take situation instead of just giving.
Does she love me back? Yeah, I'm pretty sure she does, but that will no longer be a factor for my love.
Imagine how many things could be achieved in a similar fashion.
It's a "pay it forward" idea... Without making them pay at all.

Wait for it...Ok, now it's all here.

I've started to miss things that I never thought I would. You've reminded me that there is still decency among people. Even as silly or sexual as our conversations get, I see the goodness in you. You took the time to write out your living situation, just to make sure I understood and wasn't hurt by it. That speaks volumes for your character. Risking upsetting me, you said things you weren't sure I was ok with, which actually means you care. I care too, somehow I feel close to someone I just started talking to. I could describe things about you, that I really have no way of knowing.
I've been jaded, lately I've stayed away from people, women especially, unless I'm working. There was a point last night that I looked up and smiled, the living room was suddenly three girls and me, I was oblivious and just looked back down to talk to you. I didn't speak 5 simultaneous words to a female last night, granted everyone else was at an obnoxious level of drunk... It led to some good talks with a few people, but mostly I was trying to focus on you.
I digress, the warmth and the first touch, the electricity transferred from that first embrace. Honestly, and this is a bad thing, I'm a hopeless romantic, maybe not in some pre-pubescent sense, it's not like the usual idea of romanticism... I love the connection, two synced minds feel. Appreciating everything about someone. Hearing how they feel through the expression in their eyes. Cheesy, yeah, and given that our conversation started so sexually, I didn't really expect so much depth to form. I assumed we'd txt for a couple hours and then occasionally say hi.
I honestly appreciate what I've gotten to share, you wanted to know about things last night that some people close to me don't even know. I'm an open book, but people never read anymore. If you were to "research" me a bit more, you'd find things I'm not even sure I want found, but they hide in plain site.
Back to the original point. I was starting to feel almost sexist in my views, I spend the bigger part of everyday around two gay men, and have cut off a big part of who I am, last year was focused on what I am, not who. Revelations on a daily basis from the deprivation I invoked, but a hollow inside I denied.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not professing my love, I'm just saying you woke me up. The celibacy was after almost taking my life for all the wrong reasons. It's easy to get lost in someone else, you start making excuses why you can just put off the things that actually define you as who you are. I'm not perfect, not even the dirty towel perfect shines it's shoes with... But I'm passionate, and loyal, not just to loved ones, but to friends, beliefs and art. I barely count the stain that briefly tarnished my celibacy, so any emotions from that story can be saved, that was just crazy to begin with.
I guess I have to start explaining the particulars, smaller, very odd things that make me tick. On their own, small ideas, but left to explore, blossom into patterns in life. I'm meticulous in some aspects, dissecting things to know more, it's par for the course with anxiety, and considering I'm born from a mathematician and a nurse, I tend to weigh variables long before the outcome.
As I'm studying a few new spiritual ideas, and applying them to my own life, I start to understand something. I lose some people here, so you might start verifying that I'm mad right here. Numerology teaches of life cycles, which simply stated is charting ones past to navigate the likely recurrence in the future. At the time numerology wasn't even a focus, I was delving into Kabbalah and some fringe dream psychology at the time. I call what I've been toying with life cycles, but I focus on much smaller increments in time, and it causes me to step back and see the world as a whole hitting rewind every few days. People absolutely repeat the same life, over and over, good or bad,(usually bad) all the time.
*At this point I've paused to get a beverage and realized there's no way I'm sending this to your inbox, in the interest of science I'll keep writing as if addressed to you, and surely I'll post it where you can read what you want... So stream of thought continues.

I feel compelled to share that at that particular point of self evaluation, I was reading basic quantum mechanic theory and healing through dreams. I took a break from any notion of life's repetition and began some dream theories of my own:
•Using lucid dreams to explore feelings of social anxiety. Can I trigger and deal with feeling of anxiety in a dream to better cope with it's real world counterpart?
• Dream meditation, if we are struggling to meditate while awake, can we use our dream self to reach a plateau of peace faster?
There were sub-points I had to reach before I could even begin to explore those ideas. There were two other theories I had that ultimately got left behind to further focus on those two. I'm still considering returning to the others, that dealt with the akasha, higher self, and dream lovers.
The two of focus were quite successful, the first began with:
"Can I trigger anxiety in a dream?" Which was highly probable, yet scary, because it immediately forces you to ask, "can I calm these feeling inside the dream?", and "will I feel this anxiety if I'm forced to wake myself?"
I started small, a dream in which I'm in my house, upon realization it's a dream, through the usual idea of stability, I immediately left my dream home, I'd note here that the door was not compliant, and the idea of outside was anything but, until I expected outside to be on the other side of the door. I walked to my lawn, I purposefully exaggerated everything to force it to feel uncomfortable.
* this is where sadly I've aborted the original message I wanted to tell you, realizing just recalling these three ideas is somewhat important to me, and at some point could help others.

As feelings of anxiety started to swell, I immediately decided I had to ask myself a quick question. "can I detect the world and status if the real world body, without awakening?" the two are separate and feel completely cut off, until you ask yourself how your real world body feels, in my dream it got cold, I could sense the position I was laying in the bed, my body represented as a blue container, a hollow me, but I understood, my body was not in distress over the anxiety I was feeling in my dream. I'd point out this is a controlled environment, dreams can easily cause stress, where you awaken covered in sweat, breathing heavily, heart racing. Something about being lucid and causing the stress, made it alright for the body to continue resting.
Of my race begins, lucid dreams can be short, and I wanted to research all I could. I did things I could never do in waking life, called up stresses, even dream representations of people I don't see eye to eye with. Later that idea expanded into, " can I talk, apologize, and forgive a dream figure to better accept that person in waking life?"
I went through every stress I could think of, which eventually led me to realize I was having a lengthy lucid dream, upon my basic validation of this idea, I ended up at a beach, sunset, the ocean calling. I sat for a moment just appreciating dream sand. How amazing it felt on my feet and flowing through my hands. For a moment I made a handful swirl through the air in patterns, then because I'd already played extensively with mind/matter control in previous dreams... I ran to the water, not to swim, not even pausing at the point I'd have to, I merely walked under the sea. Lack of oxygen in water does not equate in a dream, unless you think it does. The ocean floor is as obtainable as anything, and the mind builds mysterious things down there, based on what it questions would be down there. Nothing from regular life presented itself there, the mind didn't suddenly throw in any above water idea, instead constantly tried to redraw ocean life. The general lack of knowledge on the subject, spawned some interesting evolving plant life and fish. Soon I awoke from that dream, confirming I could address real life anxieties in sleep to better cope in life. This answer came immediately with the adverse, "unless I'm lucid consecutively a few nights, do I want to cause stress in a lucid dream, the one place I'm usually free of it?" the very quick and easy answer was no. I now know that I can to some degree treat my anxiety in REM, but unless I'm just running out of better psychological and spiritual ideas... I don't want to deal with stress there.
Can I meditate in my dreams? This entire theory was based on the fact that waking life meditation is very hard for me to achieve, I'm aware of every noise, I itch, there's a song stuck in my head. I can utilize the base idea to relax, and I've delved into self hypnosis, but ultimately I am not capable of achieving a higher state of consciousness while awake.
Enter dream meditation, small steps. "do I need to take on a meditative pose, to meditate?", "can I meditate with the dream still around me, or do I need to melt it away?" those were decided and answered in rapid fire succession. The moment I reached lucidity, which by this evening I was learning a completely new technique, don't fall asleep, enter sleep. Seamlessly go from awake to dream lucidity without the need for dream cues. I was simy there and conscious, which caused me to be in my bed in my dreamworld, I exited my room, and started with how to meditate. I first tried seeing if I could will it without the lotus position, and knowingly the answer is yes, it would be possible, but it wasn't easy. So I just assumed the position, I levitated immediately, without clear intent, bonus. I closed my eyes... Weird, that's not something you do in a dream, ever. Instantly, what happened was alien and profound, behind my dream eyes was a void, after a few seconds I opened my dream eyes and the dream scene had faded from view, new territory... I've never read about this in any dream book. I decided to close my eyes, though it mattered little and soon the idea of eyelids basically vanished. The void and the awareness of self were there no matter. The point of most meditation, is to shut off, to reach a state of peace and rest. A dream is by nature these things, so the moment you decide you want it, you are meditating! That alone is huge, so advanced meditation? One of the biggest things you can ever achieve is the opening of chakra to reach nirvana. People can meditate their whole life and never achieve even attempting this. Since I'd been reading about it, I knew to visualize lights, only, in a dream... There's a damn light! My throat glowed green and calm, my forehead, palms, etc points of chakra appeared.
I began with the throat, it turned blue and then yellow and glowed brightly as it opened. I immediately skipped to the head, knowing in a dream, this was THE chakra, the idea of self, need for hands and arms is a waking idea, an afterthought in dream. The self is the mind, therefore the only chakra that matters. It changed just lime the throat although a warmth rushed over me, enveloped me, the lotus position gave way to falling back into a floating nothing, the sky appeared, so warm, and the experience caused to to lapse suddenly into a new dreamscape, lucidity intact and peace still with me. I awoke shortly after.
For a side point that dream material became huge.
The only other thing I'm going to mention here, is the idea of life cycles.
I'll finish this shortly... This is where I fell asleep finally.

The next few days.

I'll be adding some big, and hopefully helpful posts about dream theory and life cycles. Writing is a spare time project, so I've been quite lately, as there hasn't been time to spare... But certain late night scribbles need to be hashed out and shared.

It's been 11 days.

My children were here, unexpectedly just eleven days ago. My world freezes when they visit, and it's just begun to spin again. It's been just long enough to justify how much I miss them already. They are old enough that I try to give them their space and let them enjoy themselves when they are here, despite my urge to hug them every five minutes.
I guess I'm about to tell a story, one that no one really knows, and the whole time, I'll be wishing someone actually read this. My secret journal, isn't so secret, people just don't seem to dig this deep to get to know me. I used to try, really try to get close to people, to have relationships and best friends... I didn't intentionally give up, or push anyone away, but as people grew distant, I let them.
Here I am, a couple paragraphs in, and already this isn't the story I mean to tell, but maybe it should start here, I'll give you the outcome, then the reason. Tarantino, effect-cause style.
I'm not good for people. I wanted so badly to add a comma to that sentence, but that period fell in just the right spot. I don't have and great if and's or but's, there are simple things in my world I can offer people, but those are shallow, art based things, nothing of great substance, nothing I've learned that really counts. When they leave my world, or don't bother stepping too far in to begin with, I don't stumble to let them know how wonderful they are, I don't show them what is good in me, because I don't want them to feel stuck with the reality of me. I can't think of any simple way to phrase any of this, some tried and true saying that would summarize the intent of my words.
I'm sick... On a few levels, and I'd like to air them all, get it off my chest. I've tries to tell people in the past, and it hurts their feelings, it literally changes how they look at me. I can't ever take back what I've said, when I tell people this; I do not feel well, I've been to doctors, I've had tons of scans, and I feel like it's my fault that I can't express to them in simple terms, what it is that makes me feel sick. I've had multiple head injuries, chronic bronchitis, severe anxiety/depression and insomnia, these things are easy to define. Some of that is treatable, or maskable at least, some is not. I can't leave my home without serious effort, lest I suffer a pretty intense panic attack. For several years that much has been true, but now they even happen at home. There are these other things though, that I can't describe, and when I try I get blank expressions from people.
I hurt. Everyday, it's hard to breath, my head feels wrong, my hands are numb, I lose my breath or feel like I'm breathing too rapid. There's so much more I just can't explain, it all seems to tie together and it feeds my anxiety and insomnia. I have no idea why I'm still alive, I've almost died enough times, that I view it very differently than I used to... I don't want to die, but I don't fear it either. I've been in a hospital covered in blood and I've hidden away in the darkness in shame, and everything in between. I still exist on this plane, and maybe there is some reason, but to shorten this a bit... I keep people away, so they don't have to watch this happening, so slowly to me. I catch the glances, I know the look, people think I've let myself go, or that I have some addiction they can blame for how I seem. Anything I've done in the past few years, medication or alcohol, it's just to help hide how I really feel, to attempt to be pleasant and social.

That's the most I've admitted about that in a while, and it decidedly keeps people away. When they care too much, I feel obligated to let them know, but no one has breached that wall in a couple years now. I've successfully kept people at a safe enough distance that the gravity of my life doesn't suck them in, or weigh them down.
Back to the story I wanted to tell. And realize if you do read this, there's a lot in my professional life that I am blessed to be involved with, but this is about me, the stripped down, raw truth, no white eye, and no bullshit.
My world has begun spinning again, it's been post-Christmas, nit wanting to accept that I won't see my children for a while. This won't be some story where I explain how I've been wronged, the events that led to this point can't be changed, so I try not to dwell in yesterday. Another story, perhaps? The how doesn't matter right now.
I am a man that is wasting away, mentally, physically, my life has been frozen. My children live over three hours away, I can't pay child support because I can't even leave my home. For the first time in my life, I can't pull out some straight-forward goal to fix my life. I don't know how to change where I am right now, I feel useless to others and I've failed myself.
I can be a great friend, I can love without bounds. There have been many passionate years spent on this earth that were devoted to being lost in love, savoring life, and art, music with a passion. I still make music an art, and I still have something to feed that fire, pain paves the road art travels. But the love, I can't bring myself to let someone dig that deep, it hurts them, an then they hate me; they hate me, because they love me. I have been yelled at numerous times, people angry that they can't stand knowing what my life is, upset that they have to feel burdened by my life... It never helps when I point out that I'm the one burdened with this life, I can't step out of these shoes. It's why I keep people away. I'd love to seek someone to spend my days with, to feel the warmth of someone at night. It is selfish though, for me to chase my desires, if it ruins someones life.
I'm sorry I don't know how to end this, so I'll just stop writing for now. It feels redundant, and yet I haven't properly expressed what I want to say.

Social networking secrets revealed!!!
•Post messages about how great your life is(actual greatness may vary)
•Stal... Ahem, I mean... Make sure to check up on all of your exs daily. We wouldn't want them to be doing anything we don't know about.
•get secretly depressed or openly combative when you find out someone else is doing better than you. Any little rumor will do, it's the thought that counts.
•add lots of people who look cool to your friends, it doesn't matter if you know them, this just boosts numbers(it's all a numbers game anyways)
•find the most talked about subjects and repost them... Get creative, pretend you have an opinion on the subject, or take a picture holding up a badly written sign, don't worry it doesn't have to be original, just find something someone else put a lot of thought into and copy it.
•make sure your about me page is full of huge pop icon references or indie things no one has heard of... Either one will make you seem mysterious or well-read. Be sure you make huge lists here, people won't actually read it, so write anything, just make sure it's really long.
•take lots of self portraits, especially with a bathroom mirror behind you. Add lots of effects to give it that special feel.

If you take these steps you will win at your favorite social network. It is a contest, right?

How to get ahead at failing in life:
Step 1: make a list of horrible choices you've made.
Step 2: repeat those mistakes one by one until you've hit rock bottom once again.
Step 3: rebuild your life with blood, sweat and tears making sure that you've really gotten to a successful point.
Step 4: repeat steps 1-2