In one breath

Eleven years of pain, captured in a single breath. The heart skips a beat, the pulse slows, and a chapter from history is erased in two simple words.

The ceiling... How much of his future will he spend staring at that void? The one where the sight vanishes, in the dim light. The nothing, he is the master of it now. Wasting time is more easy than the reality beyond, easier still than regret.

Gone now, swallowed whole, like so much before it. The pain should vanish with the name. "It won't", he thinks,"but it should."

He drapes himself across a bed, a scene all too familiar, listening to the same music, feeling the same hurt. So why is tonight special? "because tonight, a name disappears in a single breath." a chill down the neck, a last grasp on what was. Now return to the void.

Writing.

I've been writing music so much getting ready for some new releases I guess I've ignored everything else.
My kids did visit last week, and they'll be here in a couple days, it's wonderful to get to hang out with them, they're amazing.
Some of the music has been frustrating, but I've got a decent workflow going right now, so I've just cancelled out all the noise, and tried to focus on the writing process. If I go back and finish up the songs I've started this week I've got a decent jump on a new release, probably as xXRx. I've been doing some other work too, a bit of show photography, and some side music stuff that will hopefully start taking shape.
I wrote one song in particular that is just a raw, stripped down honesty, I don't get to express often.
I'll quit blowing things off soon, I promise, I just always work in the direction I feel pointed. Keeps things interesting, fresh, and hopefully people will enjoy the efforts.

There's always a reason.

Maybe sometimes excuse is a better word than reason...
If I vanish from your life, I do still exist. I have reclusive days, and different types of people feed different sides of my brain.
Currently I've been working on stop animation and music daily, so I've just sought people that helped feed that, or wrote by myself.
I spend a big part of my time healing, therapy,meds and aa&d sessions. I'm tired of never catching my breath, so I'm getting stronger.
I'll emerge soon, I really wanted to make headway on new music material, and step back from photography, other than for art.
I've actually stayed rather social, just some friends I never got to hang out with much, and musicians I respect have garnered most of my social time.

This morning I awaken the way it should be everyday. My children are here, they stayed up late playing games and watching tv.
I miss them everyday, and they have a part of my heart that I'll never get back, they reserve a part of myself that no one else will ever know.
When I was a fulltime father I sacrificed everything that came between us, I never recovered from the way they were ripped from my life. In the end I sacrificed even my relationship with them in hopes they'd still be brought up well, and have peace in their hearts. I would have fought until the bitter end to have them, but at what cost to their relationship to both parents? I felt it better to be calm, still.
I'll say good morning soon, make them breakfast, and they'll leave again. My heart will hurt for days after, longing for them. It's so bittersweet to spend evenings with my wonderful children.
I love you both so much, maybe someday you'll stumble across what I've written here, and maybe someday you'll understand why things are the way they are right now.

Positivity

Anyone that reads this blog would coin me as being a negative person, in reality I'm quite the optimist, I'm just faced with alot of hardships lately.
I am blessed to live the life I do, I mess up like everyone does, but I try to dust off and keep pushing forward. Right now my life is at a crossroad and for once I'm in control of where it leads.
I'm planning on shifting my focus for a while, after making some art this week I found it a much more rewarding use of my time than the usual model photography. I will still be photographing, most of the art will be photographed or stop animation, and the occasional model shoot will still take place. I'm more excited to say my musical urge is returning, if I'm not in just the right mood it feels forced, but I found it quite relaxing to plugin and record this morning. My writing is taking somewhat of a different turn too, I'm excited to see where it ends up.
A few bands have asked me to join, at this point I do miss the stage, but I want to be in a band I'm happy with, so I'm just feeling things out, and composing on my own for now. I'm sure my bandmate in xXRx will join in soon and this material may be placed on our next full length album.
My kids are supposed to visit this weekend which is always wonderful. some good friends have started emerging back in my life.
Good days ahead.

Guilty until proven innocent

I barely leave the house the past few weeks, so why does something horrible have to happen when I do?
Alcohol and medication + several head injuries would be the most probable answer. It just feels like an excuse though.
Went out with my brother and his friend, and met up with some of our mutual friends. Drinks were had, and I wasn't paying attention to the fact that I'm not used to my new medications yet.
Somehow an arguement started. I haven't thrown a punch since I was twelve, apparently I threw about 50, on my own brother and his friend. Things calmed down and I went to my room, I was completely blacked out, a fire started somehow in my trashcan, I guess it freaked me out because I ran off. This is where I start remembering chunks of things. I was in a field, I knew I'd been a jerk, but didn't know I'd hit anyone, I walked home and saw a firetruck. I sat and talked to a fireman until a policeman showed up and arrested me. I thought it was for domestic disturbance. I sat in the waiting area, and didn't know I was in serious trouble until they took me In a room and made me strip, shower and put on this strange Velcro vest with nothing on under it.
When people say jail sucks, there's no way to understand until you've experienced it. It was cold, I was basically naked and had a sink/toilet, no idea of time other than when they slide food through a small slit in the door.
Boredom is the name of the game, I had to put myself in a meditative state just to avoid having a serious panic attack. I had no idea how long I was to stay there. They came and handcuffed me, led me in a room and a fire Marshall talked to me, let me know inwas on a 24hr hold until he and a judge could determine if it was an accident. He questioned me for about an hour, but I had been blacked out, I didn't have much information.
I was put back in my cell. Going to the bathroom is almost impossible, between the odd vest and the fact that people are watching you, there's even a camera in every cell. The man next to me was crazy, yelling nonstop, you can't see the other inmates, just hear them. He took toilet paper and covered his camera, yelled about being pregnant. Didn't make things any easier.
I tried to guess at the time based off meals, but was way off, finally someone came and released me, it was ruled accidental. I'll probably blog more about this, and the cleanup process, I still can't sleep in my room, the one place I feel safe.
I'm home, safe, even spent an evening with someone great last night. All of my piercings except my snakebites went in with little pain. I'll have to get them redone.
I'm happy to be free, but very ashamed of what transpired.

The harder I try

The more I want to be a good healthy, productive person, the harder I fail.
Please don't ever trust me, don't love me, don't become close to me. I hurt everyone I love. I'm so sorry, but I can't fix the things I do. I have the biggest heart, but my head is messed up, I'm sick, but trying to fix it.
No one can hate me, more than I already do.
This isn't some pointless self loathing, I did something horrible, that I can't fathom. I'll type it out once I can handle thinking about it.

xXRx new animation

Finally... I edited some

Uploaded some new pictures tonight, I still have a ton to edit, but at least I've gotten some of them finished.

No interpretation needed.

Don't ever complain about your dreams(nightmares) they'll just get pissed and seek revenge.

Sitting talking to my mother, she begins to make less sense, something I've encountered in waking life. She begins to get upset, then angry, as I try to calm her I decide to call 911. I'm attacked, she reaches for a safety pin and begins jabbing it into my face and chest. I subdue her finally. A hospital evaluates her, and decides to let her go, which leaves her more enraged. I ask my brother for help, she says she wants revenge... He laughs and holds me down. They end up torturing me, carving me up inch by inch, peeling my face off, slitting up my legs... More than I should endure before waking up... Finally I did awaken after a while. Just very disturbing. I was being held open with medical instruments and had bones bared by the end of it.

Still a rockstar

For some reason it's only late at night in my boxers that I get reminded my life Is still neat. A good friend consoles, and I get some fun, free stuff(unrelated)... Joy. Good night.