The dreams that rot inside my head.

My medication causes me to sleep deeply. It also causes me to have have rather involved, surreal and usually dark dreams. Often waking from one directly into another, and for some reason I can't recognize dream symbols to become lucid,(the irony).

Last night I had a dream about spending alot of time with an old friend, one I had a falling out with after I got married. By the middle of the dream we were fighting, violently, I got set on fire, I stabbed him with his own knife. After time in nonsense, I realized I thought he had died, the dream ended at his funeral.

This dream was only disturbing because from all I know, he has passed. From what I was told he died of cancer several years ago. Upon waking it bothered me enough to try and search to put the rumors to rest either way, as no one I know was at his funeral, or was even close to him at the time. No search results left me feeling upset. If he hasn't passed on, it's sad that a rumor got started, if he has, it's sad you can't find information about it.

Long story short, my dreams are intense and brooding, but at least I sleep now...

Numb

I sleep now, maybe too much, due to the new medications. My anxiety attacks come less often, but sometimes more intense.
There's something else now. A numbness , a void. It leads me to ask a question: Why is numbness equated to sadness, to loss?
Instead of the relief I do feel with the medication, I dwell some on the fact that I'm losing creative impulse, even sexuality.
Numbness could be a good thing, even a break from sexuality can be positive. Yet by some predetermined programming I'm left feeling upset about it.
Last week marked one year since Colby took his life. I sent out a message of love and remembrance at the exact minute that marked one year since I'd received that first txt message.
9/16/2009 11:18 "have you heard? Cole just took his life..."

I got a memorial tattoo 3 days after his passing, and found myself in Nola before the week was over. This year I got another tattoo, the pain tribe symbol.
The same exact day this year, a good friend attempted suicide. I don't know what to do with that, why must we hurt so much?
How can I sit here day after day talking about how hard life is, and yet it's mine alone to own it? Everyone is so lonely, billions of people, and we can't save each other.
It's only been a few months since I survived my suicide attempt, I've made discoveries, had setbacks, learned and lost.
There's a vigor for life, a yearning for each day to be important, once you decide you want to stay on this planet. I wish that didn't fade with time, it gets lost in our daily shuffle.

Once again, we find ourselves feeling alone.

Ups and downs

Being on medication has helped alot, but there are still antisocial days, those days are much more noticable when they aren't so frequent.
We have a huge photoshoot planned Monday, it should be just what I need to get things back on track. Two of the four models are new, so it should be interesting. I've only attempted to do a shoot this big two other occasions, with mixed results. This time however, I picked most of the models and we have an excellent location.
Not much else to say today, there are some interesting things going on in my life, but until they become more defined, they don't need to be mentioned.

Alcohol I hate you

I hate you and yet, I know I'll never manage to get rid of you. Once again I hurt those around me because I act dumb when I get drunk. When I'm sober I feel like no one likes me, people can't enjoy conversation and my anxiety pushes me to drink to loosen up. I hate myself right now. Wish I could at least remember why.
I just wish I was close to someone right now. This fucking blog is the only thing that listens.

Today is a new day

Today is a new day

After much trouble finding a way to my doctor, two good friends agreed to take me. Today was important, I had to cancel last month after commiting my mother, but made it today. He finally put me on medications, hopefully this will make life a bit easier to face everyday. I'll be going out with the same friends tommorow, so I guess I'll see how the meds help, although two of them won't help much at first. It'll be a couple weeks before they are in my system.

Doing more photography as always, going to setup the shoot I've been trying to get done for weeks. Traveling to Oklahoma in early October to shoot suspension. I also have some pinup shoots and stop animation I'm working on.

The anxiety and sleep deprivation have made it hard to concentrate, but I think now I'll be getting back into music, I have a new xXRx album to work on, a brothers darqly album to wrap up, I just got my frontline assembly track to remix, and three other music projects in the planning stages.

I haven't made it to the art factory meetings yet, but I believe I'll probably attend this Saturday, a collective of artists gathering for a like minded goal sounds amazing.

Once again, I've given up on relationships, seems it's too easy to be forgotten about, maybe the meds will change my outlook, or decrease my sexdrive and need for companionship. It was never about sex anyways.

Things should get better now.

:)

Between spending time with my children last night, and being told something very sweet by a good friend, I feel very good today. I'll probably visit with my kids for a bit tommorow too, and I may go bowling tonight, just to get out for a bit, I did promise some people I'd go.
Hopefully if they read this, they won't mind me posting it, but if they do, I'll take it down.
"oh yeah. This is your reminder that you are wonderful and important and I want you in my life"
It's things like that, that help me wake up and face the world everyday.
I paid them a well fitted and honest reply, but I'll not share that, because i try to keep from revealing who anyone is in my blog.
This person occupies my thoughts more and more everyday. When we are around each other there is a magnetic pull. Yet we are just friends. It's just nice to know there are still a few decent people left in this city.
<3

Answers lead to questions.

I did go out Friday, and had a great evening, ended up going to a show of an ex band member, was just going in to get cards from someone, but people kept talking and so I ended up staying. It was odd because there has been bad blood in the past, but to me it is the past. Pretty uneventful, other than getting flipped off... Which didn't bother me at all. It's all old news, I don't live my life worrying about things anymore.
Spent most of my time hanging out with someone specific, and I'm sure there will be rumors now... That happens anytime I spend time around a girl, but it's silly.
After a good talk, I got some fresh perspective about things in my life right now, and I feel better about where things are headed.
I got to see my wonderful children last night, something which doesn't occur often enough these days. I miss them so much.
I worry about some of my friends and the direction of their lives, and I try to reach out and help, the only thing I can do, but where they are in their lives it's just something that only time can mend. Being someone that wastes too much of my own life from anxiety, I just hate seeing them pass up great opportunity to be miserable.
Lot of shoots this week, and a couple nights of things I haven't done in a while... Bowling night, and sushi night among other things... Should be back to social behaviour, after the antisocial week I had this week. Probably doing photography at a club Tuesday, just to make an animation of it, and if I get a reply our location shoot may finally get booked.

Like, totally!

I've been so emotional lately, an if I had a really good reason, it wouldn't bother me.
I think I've let my guard down to let people in, to enjoy the company of people again. I can't second guess this choice, but it has made me very antisocial this week. I've only talked to a select few, even though last week was insane.
Supposed to go out tonight, haven't decided if it's a good idea yet... A few things lead me to believe I could be miserable, but a few important things are telling me I should just go live life and shut up.
Having much more than a shallow, surface relationship with people proves so hard, the few I do share commonalities with, prove to back off after a few weeks and become distant.
I don't remember it ever being this hard to just have close relationships with people. Why has the world become so jaded? People either question my intent, or just won't open up... Or don't have much going on inside them, sadly.
There is still so much great going on in my life... But who is there to care to know about it?

I saw it!!!

The commercial I filmed(time lapse) and soundtracked for eternal tattoo aired at least three times yesterday on comedy central! Huzzah!
Yes, I said huzzah, get over it.

I wish.

Just how I feel right now... Didn't really take time to form it into coherent stanza or scheme...

I wish I could offer more than a shoulder to cry on. More than a hand to hold as the world burns around us.
I wish I could offer more than someone to laugh and cry with, someone to share every moment, good or bad with.
Someone who will never judge, never be too busy.
I can't offer more, but maybe that's all you need.

Argh.

Pure aggrevation. I'm just tired of everyone elses life cycles causing mine to repeat too.
I keep changing things, spending time with new people, but yet find myself in the same situations. I need to leave this city and all of it's negativity behind.
I had a great week, but once it was all said and done, I feel just as lonely. The people I like blow me off or have complicated lives, the ones that like me, would be a mistake to fall back into their lifestyles.
Something new... Really new, is all I need. Maybe I need to spend the week by myself and my camera, and just make art. I love being around people, but the nice ones vanish, and the damaged abound.
I have alot of pending plans this week, but last week was so hectic, I'm ready to blow this week off and be antisocial.
So many people I miss right now, some moved away, some stopped caring, and some are slowly growing distant. Why must people stop caring?
Fuck it, I'll join the club... I don't care either. For a few days, no one will hear from me, unless they make the attempt... I'll be busy healing and creating.