Numb

I sleep now, maybe too much, due to the new medications. My anxiety attacks come less often, but sometimes more intense.
There's something else now. A numbness , a void. It leads me to ask a question: Why is numbness equated to sadness, to loss?
Instead of the relief I do feel with the medication, I dwell some on the fact that I'm losing creative impulse, even sexuality.
Numbness could be a good thing, even a break from sexuality can be positive. Yet by some predetermined programming I'm left feeling upset about it.
Last week marked one year since Colby took his life. I sent out a message of love and remembrance at the exact minute that marked one year since I'd received that first txt message.
9/16/2009 11:18 "have you heard? Cole just took his life..."

I got a memorial tattoo 3 days after his passing, and found myself in Nola before the week was over. This year I got another tattoo, the pain tribe symbol.
The same exact day this year, a good friend attempted suicide. I don't know what to do with that, why must we hurt so much?
How can I sit here day after day talking about how hard life is, and yet it's mine alone to own it? Everyone is so lonely, billions of people, and we can't save each other.
It's only been a few months since I survived my suicide attempt, I've made discoveries, had setbacks, learned and lost.
There's a vigor for life, a yearning for each day to be important, once you decide you want to stay on this planet. I wish that didn't fade with time, it gets lost in our daily shuffle.

Once again, we find ourselves feeling alone.