Well obviously

Things must be going good, or I'd be blogging everyday.
I've started work on several new projects, some music, video and photography work.
Writing music and video for a poetry piece, working on short episodes of a new series. I've been approached about two new music projects, and I'm going to start hanging out with some old friends, and just plugging in and playing... A nice break from the studio work, just music for the sake of music. Quite a few people are getting the itch for new photography too.
My personal life is in a bit of an odd place, but I think I like things the way they are. If I can't have exactly what I want, I'd rather things be exactly how they are now.
I have a follow up dr appointment, still unsure how that's going to work out, but I've been forcing myself to be more social, I've gone out four days this week, and I'm supposed to go to a party tommorow. I've seen so many old friends this week, and I've been productive. Life gets better.

The promise of better things

I've started slowly reighning my life back in, but it proves hard. I had a shoot yesterday, the first one in a while. After the shoot we BBQ and watched movies, a few people came over... But everyone was too quiet, I'm used to having a way to curb my anxiety, but I wasn't going to drink. So I ended up being reclusive and eventually went off on my own... Felt like once I was done with photography and cooking, I didn't have anything to offer anyone.
I'm lonely, this is the 1st time in 12 years I've actually been single... I've spent a few months here and there single, but technically i was still married, just permanently seperated. I just miss human interaction... I miss love, I miss my kids.
Two days until the doctor. I know this first visit won't help much, but it's a giant step. I should be driving again and doing normal things very soon.

Just another day

I'm happy to report that I finally slept! Off and on for several hours, but I think it added up. Woke up, and pretty much went straight to working on some old photography I have around. Once I have about 8 images ready I'll start uploading them to the usual outlets.
I did feel moody today which is odd for me, even if I feel off, I know it's for no reason, so I keep it in check... But today small things were aggrevating me for some reason. But with the sleep issues, I'm sure it's natural. I ate today too, go me... Maybe too much, but when you have barely eaten for two weeks, that's probably natural too.
All in all it was a positive day, got some sleep finally, some grub, and got back to work on things.
Oooohh and I ordered something, super secret! The order process was simple, but screwy... I didn't use all the money off a certificate, but then they charged me for 1-3 day shipping, then I read in the email they send me that the order won't ship for 7-14 days... What's the point of express shipping(there was no free option) when the item won't ship for two friggin weeks... Ok rant over.

And we're back

Had some trouble dealing with the loss of yet another friend, it's more that it's just mixed into and stirring all the other emotions I'm choking down in massive doses.
I'm doing some things I'm not ready to share here, to better my life, steps most people don't bother taking when shedding their old skin. I've never been in AA(maybe I shouldve), but I imagine this is what their 12 steps must feel like. Facing the demons of my past, I'm coming to be at peace with them.
Found out I have a shoot this weekend, I still have one to process too, I've had a couple of lucid days that I've been productive, but all in all the creativity has been stifled by my personal life, something I won't let happen again once this process is complete. I have pretty clear goals unwanted to obtain, and have started realistic paths to achieve them. I am really killing the parts of me I don't like.

Take a breath, now continue mourning.

Christopher Reese died last night, I still don't know how. It haunts me to know that I'm probably the last person to photograph him alive, at another friend, Jon Wallace funeral service just a few weeks ago. I had tears in my eyes as I quickly edited the picture to get it online for his loved ones.
I wish life would calm down a little bit, I'm trying to fix what's broken in me, but it's hard with all of this loss. The last two weeks have left me with a raw open wound, and I can't eat, or sleep... Just 4 days until I see a doctor, but now I'm wondering what else I can lose in 4 days.

I'm on my iPod right now, when I'm on a pc I'll post a picture here to remember yet another fallen friend.

Doo doo doo I like tacos

I just got to email my kids! I found out they both have email addresses, what a great new way to keep in touch with them.
Switched out the bulky horseshoes I had in my newly pierced snakebites for some smaller (in diameter not gauge) hoops, they fit tighter and I don't feel like metal mouth anymore, feels natural. Can't wait to finish the Job, and close my mouth for a few months... But doctor appointments make the priority for now... Over modification.
I've started to prep myself for the Tulsa trips, just want to be healthy in mind and body before being around suspension again, A.G.R.O. has a very different outlook on the art than pain tribe(not a conflict, just matters of practice,presentation), but the same appeal of course. I will probably just sit in on the first couple sessions and photograph/ get to know the people I will work with. Pain tribe is my family, and I miss them, I just want to have a bond with the people doing the work, Colby was family long before he ever took a needle to me. People seek suspension for different reasons, but personally it has to do with spiritual growth and the minds power over the body. I go into similar thought cycles even when I'm getting tattoos. Pain enduced enlightenment.

A new chapter begins

I haven't posted in a few days, in that time period I've had some great experiences. Although I'm still struggling with my anxiety, gone are the dark clouds that were looming constantly overhead.
For the first time ever I'm tempted to go back and censor what Ive written. I'll leave it for now, but the hard times of last week, leave me with hope this week. What I went through is real, but even I don't want to go back and read that, I feel ashamed by how out of sync my life had become.
A few friends kind words, and stories that related to mine, have left me in a better place than I started, I won't name any names as per usual, but these individuals helped me through something they don't even understand... Especially one certain heroic person that seemed to put a smile on my face everyday****
even as more bad news poured in, it has barely seemed to hinder my desire to be a better person and fix what's broken in my life. Yesterday marked the end of my marriage, we had been seperated for several years, so I knew it was coming. The divorce proceedings went on without my knowledge, as my children were visiting. I could ellaborate more on this topic, it did leave me with somewhat of a raw nerve, and a feeling that a few bad things will occur soon, but overall I feel a giant weight lifted off of me, to be untangled from an estranged marriage.
I've been taking better care of myself, and it's only 6 days now until I see a dr. I pray they will see the need I have for treatment, and not just judge me based off appearance.
Speaking of... I may some changes to my appearance, I really want to reflect my inner growth with obvious outer change. I haven't decided on anything yet... Going to change my wardrobe, and possibly my hair. I've decided to get my lisence back, even if my brother uses my car most of the time, it'll be healthy for me to be able to leave when I want.
Sleep is still a factor, I can't seem to rest more than 2 hours a day, but I've been trying to just except it and move on, using the time to exercise or something instead. It's hard to be productive while sleep deprived, but I can at least try to be active some. I've started cleaning my room, I basically haven't lived here for several months, and ven lived with a tour mentality before that. It's nice to not live from a bag for a while.
I will be touring some though, I still plan to make my yearly trip to New Orleans this year, and now I'm scheduling monthly trips to "hang" with A.G.R.O. Suspension group.
As soon as a bit of sleep comes, I am starting back scheduling shoots, and winding back up on the production of xXRx and the brothers darqly albums... Blah blah blah, like i say, I only write in here when I'm upset... So, I have better things to do right now.

Ohgr.

I had typed a big story and then IE pooped on me, so nevermind, enjoy.

hmm i'm on an actual computer

I can post something no one will understand... *
Well one person will understand soon,silly things I made out of an abstract conversation. I was sleep deprived when I decided to go through with the whole process of reconstructing the conversation... Only one more star to earn :)

I'm back

Tempted for the first time in a long time to delete something I wrote, this week was hell but I came out of it.
Honestly in retrospect I was slipping for a few weeks there, and it was no ones fault but mine.
I won't delete what I went through because it's true to how I felt at the time, I don't believe in censorship I'm not going to remove a mistake from my life. I was stupid, I got weak.
What's important is that I'm back feeling stronger than before, really looking at twisting my perspective on my career, and I'd be doing something really cool right now if it hadn't rained... But oh well, there's always tommorow, what are your plans?

Ahhh

A couple hours of sleep make everything melt a lot less. Yeah that was officially a documented mental meltdown. Feeling a lot better. Starting to devise art projects to keep me busy for a while.

While I'm on topic

This is good too, never liked it much until I tuned into the chorus: nin- beautiful nightmare



The Chorus Lyrics:
And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
And this is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'd give anything
I'd give anything

Exactly where I am in my head

The lyrics to nin- right where it belongs



"Right Where It Belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

Mental illness

Has always plauged my family, but on a personal level I've never let myself fall apart this bad. But I feel like I need to feel it and endure, but I'm breaking. My ears are ringing, so I'm listening to music, but that's messing with my breathing and heartbeat. I'm shaking.

How do people sit back and watch others get like this? At the same time, an immediate family member is similar, and I've grown to watch, until it reaches a dangerous breaking point. It makes me feel sad that I, nor anyone else really stops to address it with her, and it's been 30 years or more for her. I don't want to get to the point that I'm degenerative.
I'm scared.

My dr appointment is two weeks away, and I'm dangling by a thread. One thing, anything, would send me over the edge I fear.

Ok maybe

I feel a bit like a freak for being so public about my personal life. I guess if it's going to end up being talked about... I might as well be the one to put it out there. If I could just sleep I'd feel so much better. Anyways, blah blah blah, I do feel like things will get better, no matter what, welcome to the meltdown :)

I ate kinda finally, and I'm trying to get back to being productive, I have old work lying around to mess with tommorow,just really want some sleep. I'm trying to stay positive, just lots of things around that remind me what I'm missing.

I keep thinking about breaking out my odd lenses and shooting some outdoor stuff... Had a few fun ideas, I just don't want to get aggrevated if I can't get in the right headspace to be creative. Wishing I was more musically driven currently, that's an easier place to take out frustration.

Gather around the iPod light

It's storytime kids. I'll try to keep this one light hearted.
It's a story about a girl, I met her about 17 years ago, that's right I'm an old one. But I think the lesson still applies. I met her at a party, somewhat briefly, she was with her friend, I was young, tried to hide my shyness but even that night I noticed her stealing glances. Now I'm not even sure if she knows I know about this part, but a few days later someone read me something from her, asking who I was.
The years passed quickly as they always do, we were good friends, but I put that memory away... Assuming it was just a passing curiousity. Sometimes boys can be dim, and not pay attention to signs. As we both grew professionally our paths crossed more often, we were good friends,as if there was never a point we didn't know everything about the others life. I began working with her on projects more and more frequently... One night she had a big show, and we were there celebrating the anniversary of our website, but I was photographing her show as well.
I had noticed sometimes it seemed like she was flirting, but passed it off as friendly, but that night, I went to say goodnight and congratulate her on her show, i gave her a hug,when I went to kiss her on the cheek, she turned her head, and our lips met. Just a stolen peck, very innocent, but it sent my mind reeling over the years to find traces of how she might feel.
It took a few weeks, and I kept inviting her to things, making excuses to be around her more. It took some patience, but on a special evening I asked her to share birthday celebrations with, as they are less than two weeks apart. During this time I was sitting back realizing how proud I was, that she was doing well, and was happy with her life. That night started what over the next two weeks became an obvious miracle. Stupid boy realized someone special had always been there.
The next four months they were always together, but took time because they had both been hurt so many times. There were hard times, but usually it was something small, or something they couldnt control, and always did well at making up, and forgiving. Toward the end of the four months "I love you" snuck out, more and more often. I was trying hard to figure out something special to do, to officially ask her to be my girlfriend.

That's where my story ends, I promised to keep it light hearted, and stupid boy, did something stupid to wonderful girl.
Now put out the iPod light and get some sleep kids... Maybe someday I'll get to tell you the rest, but it gets scary for a minute.

Oh I forgot.

That was my 50th blog... Yay! *confetti*
I swear the mood will lighten in here soon, I only write when I'm down, when I'm happy, I'm too busy being happy to stop and write. I need to change that, I can have an insightful thought from time to time.

I don't like it here, it smells funny

12hrs laying in bed shaking crying, can't eat. I'm sorry, I'm better than this, but can't fix me. Holding it in to tell a doctor soon, but not soon enough. I was ok for a few hrs this morning,I shouldve eaten while I could. 5 days, half a piece of chicken.
If I start talking to a person at some point, it's because I have so much I want to tell them, but can't hurt them,so I take it out here, in my pretend, odd blog that I don't tell anyone about, but I don't hide it either. This is my life folks... I can't make this shit up.

We're entering bat country

Soooo those lines and shapes i see when I close my eyes... Those are my brain saying "time to sleep", so I sit and watch them until I see Elroy from the jetsons. Scary.
One more blog and I hit 50 whoo!

Side note: would my own brains thought need quotation marks? It's important things like this that keep me awake.

I don't even know

This is me unloading because once again, I can't sleep.
My life has been absolute turmoil and as the dust settles I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking half the time. I'm getting my shit together though and quickly, it just hurts sometimes when change comes so fast.
I fucked up really bad Friday, I drank too much, yelled at my brother, stole my own car, sent bad txt, hurt peoples feelings, and attempted suicide. All the things I never do. So, no more booze, really. I've got an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist, so maybe the worst thing I've done in a long time will swing my "normal" life back on track. I'm just my own worst critic, and to hurt people you love and have no way to fix it, is a horrible thing. I don't screw things up, I'm famously the one being hurt, not the one doing the hurting. Head trauma and booze are a scary mixture, it was like watching what I was doing, but not even wanting to do it, some dark side crawled out and took over, and wrecked some precious relationships.
Meanwhile, back on earth, I've been tattooed, pierced, burned, and lasered all month long... I think that's a good thing though...sore but content. Photography has proven to be a worthwhile endeavor as I seem to find myself in interesting places shooting interesting things, and even getting paid or paid in trade for my services.
On the music side of things, I was somewhat unnofficially asked to perform at the Land of Nod, which would be a 3 day festival of acts like rasputina, murder by death, the eagles of death metal, dj proppa bear, members of public enemy. The coolest thing I've been asked to do in a while, free ride, I'd get to hang out with my Nola friends, and was offered to move to Nola after the festival,even timed so I wouldn't miss a couple deviants too much while they party in la... You hear it here first though, I'm turning it down, it's the craziest sane thing I've ever done, but I'm getting in therapy, staying sober, and getting my shit together... I don't need 8,000 screaming reasons to do things I'll regret right now. Mr. Rockstar, pain fetishist is going to work more from the home studio, and wait to get a little stronger in my coping skills.
So the divorce, I don't know where that went, I got served papers I can't bring myself to read, it's too hard when parents really want what's best for kids. I'm actually a great dad, it's only been a couple years since 90% of the type of things you read above were put away completely so I could wake up, make breakfast and lunch, send the shorties off to school, go to my 8-3 job, so I could be home to unload kids, cook them dinner,homework,baths,jammies,bed.
Guess what? I'd trade any of this life for that again in a heartbeat. I miss my kids, and a part of me lost hope when I didn't get to play superdad anymore.
Good god this is long, are you bored yet?I'm sleep deprived, can't eat, and crying, but we can get through this, let's see where it takes us.
Amazing thing after amazing thing happened until, suddenly it seemed everyone was getting sick, upset, or passing away. I've never had to shoot a funeral and while I hope I did it justice and respect, I hope I don't have to shoot another... Let's take care of ourselves and each other. It went from good to blah to bad so fast, my relationship had no chance. By the time I was ready to admit I loved her, there was so much external noise getting in the way, my Friday binge of stupidity cost me something I didn't want to lose. Love hurts really bad when you want to yell it from the rooftops, and don't care who knows it, but there's no one there to hear it anymore.
Lessons learned, and I'm a mess of emotions, I actually woke up happy late last night, worked, exercised, even played basketball(after all that, this is where I'm losing you) now I'm lying in my bed alone, and very very sad. I am determined to fix the project that is me though, so bring on the shrinks, science, hard work, and no booze make tom sane.
I'm getting back to the place I want to be, with myself, even if it's not the place I thought I wanted to be. Take lifes shit and make fertilizer, plant some seeds of responsibility and make roses. I suck at gardening but I'll get through it. Ok that's about enough bad metaphores for one blog, I only left out a couple hundred things that have transpired recently, but we'll get to that later.

When to trust your gut.

When it hasn't eaten in three days. When it tells you something is wrong in your life. When it questions new avenues of life.
All I can do is see how the next few days play out and hope it gives me wisdom to make the right choice. I know what I want, but I don't know what the best choice for others is. There's not a lot of time to figure it out either. Both paths could lead to happiness or ruin... I think I'll be ok either way though

Something new

Like a Phoenix rises from the ashes, I've endured a few days of hell to have some interesting propositions. This could change my life for some time to come. Hopefully for the better, but at least it won't be this. I have a lot going on here, but may be forced to aim my sights on different goals, obviously by my last few entries I've been less than pleased with my life lately.

Life or something like it

I attempted suicide last night, I wasn't very successful or I wouldn't be typing this. I'm tired, I'm pretty sure I'll never see my kids again and I've done my best to sever ties with my family. Anything good in my life is outweighed by the neverending anxiety and pain I feel everyday.
I know I'm a talented person, and I'm smart enough to know how stupid suicide is, but what's left in this word for me? Even those that get close, tire quickly of me. Please just let this pain stop. Doctors won't give me the time to listen to how I feel, and mo one cares enough to seek help. I am stuck in my own hell and only know one way out.

At the same time

I've been harder on myself than anyone is. I think it's more odd to have people talk about my work to each other, and yet they don't say much to me. But with getting contracted to shoot commercials(frame by frame, my favorite way) shooting artists for their cards, and doing promo work for talented musicians... I question myself more now, than I ever have. I want to be moved emotionally again, take a feverish interest in a project... Not since I shot a damn broken down piano have I gotten so carried away in just making art.

For the masses

Who am I to say that what I make is art? I've all but stopped visually marking my photographs(some cases I do use metadata) partially because the shoots have been funded by others, and therefore I feel it inappropriate to mark it as just mine, or because several people were on set, and always get credited thusly.
I think even in my intimate, private art I may not stamp across it... It's just what my "eye" sees, or my hands assemble, if someone else isn't funding the project, then I guess it doesn't belong anywhere... I can take 500 images in a day easily, or I can get depressed and not let my creativity flow for weeks at a time... I question myself more than anyone does. Some love. Some hate. I just go through the motions... Finding a reason to breath day to day. Don't even get me started on the music writing lately, just a brutal process.

Time to

Get really fucked up, look back at my life, and attempt to make art.

Sadly

Well first off I haven't written in a while... But I've been brought to tears watching the Courtney love behind the music... Reliving the death of Kurt cobain...
I think I may actually get a memorial tattoo, since I have recently acquired deals with artists, I'm sure Tony from eternal could do a great portrait