I had the most wonderful night last night. Yet, tonight even after having a great evening conversing with friends I'm left crying.
How do you help you mother understand, and accept that the next 15 years of her sons life will be spent in prison. A trashcan fire that did no damage, will cause me to be 47 before I see daylight again. How do you help anyone understand it? I can't accept it myself, an yet I think I've accepted it better than anyone that's heard it. They know I'm innocent though. I will rot in prison because I "look" guilty. Someone with dreadlocks, several tattoos and piercings, must be guilty. I'd love to finish this eloquently, but I'm upset... Signing off.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
AGRO life.
I'm a hooker. Anyone that knows me very well, knows I take part in and support pain rituals. For me, it allows me to express something I feel in a healthy, safe way. I've been taking part in some manner for years now, I've toured with the pain tribe twice, and they are still family to me. AGRO suspension has started a local crew here, and I am a full supporter from the ground floor. I'm excited to see what limits I can test fir myself, and happy in knowing this will take us amazing places, meeting great people. You meet someone once in the suspension community, they are your friend. Normal society and all of the issues you face, have no place with hooks, it's as if the pain strips away all attitudes and leaves decent, nice people. You'd expect the opposite when you walk into a room full of heavily tattooed people shoving hooks into their flesh, but all you'll see is smiles on their faces, and supportive words leaving their lips. I'm hoping to learn to throw hooks soon, and rigging. I've been doing clean work fir some time, but throwing hooks is where I want to end up. AGRO encourages their members to learn all they can, which is wonderful.
A lifestyle.
Welcome back to my blog, I haven't written anything new here in a while, although I did post everything from Facebook here, just to keep it all in one place.
On the advice of a dear friend I had lost touch with, I'm going to attempt a lifestyle change. I know its possible, this time last year I got healthy and stayed that way for quite some time. Sadly, old habits die hard, I got busy and distracted, and quit paying attention to my health. Originally I was lashing out in response to depression, I got so down I didn't eat for eight days, I wasn't hungry, and the idea of food made me sick. A small seed planted in my head,"what if I eat healthy now that my body is empty of toxins?" it worked very well, exercise and meditation were quick to follow. I was sober and healthy. Someone offered me a beer one evening, like an idiot I accepted. It was 10 months of setbacks rather than evolution. My mind is in a healthier place this time, and I want my body to follow. It helped my anxiety immensely last time, so I'm hoping for all of the benefits you don't usually take into consideration.
I'm going to try and cleanse. It won't be easy right now, I have to get the required food, and with touring it's not easy, so I may just half starve for our show in st. Louis this weekend. I know starving isn't a solution, but it's either drop my will power, or try to convince my bandmates to stop somewhere healthy... Neither is happening.
There's not much temptation in the house right now, so it should be an easy goal. Ten days of health, see where it goes from there. Last year 45 days yielded amazing results, and once the depression was over, I afforded plenty of fun with it, just a constant watchful eye on overall conditioning. There's more I want to write, but I'll start another post.
On the advice of a dear friend I had lost touch with, I'm going to attempt a lifestyle change. I know its possible, this time last year I got healthy and stayed that way for quite some time. Sadly, old habits die hard, I got busy and distracted, and quit paying attention to my health. Originally I was lashing out in response to depression, I got so down I didn't eat for eight days, I wasn't hungry, and the idea of food made me sick. A small seed planted in my head,"what if I eat healthy now that my body is empty of toxins?" it worked very well, exercise and meditation were quick to follow. I was sober and healthy. Someone offered me a beer one evening, like an idiot I accepted. It was 10 months of setbacks rather than evolution. My mind is in a healthier place this time, and I want my body to follow. It helped my anxiety immensely last time, so I'm hoping for all of the benefits you don't usually take into consideration.
I'm going to try and cleanse. It won't be easy right now, I have to get the required food, and with touring it's not easy, so I may just half starve for our show in st. Louis this weekend. I know starving isn't a solution, but it's either drop my will power, or try to convince my bandmates to stop somewhere healthy... Neither is happening.
There's not much temptation in the house right now, so it should be an easy goal. Ten days of health, see where it goes from there. Last year 45 days yielded amazing results, and once the depression was over, I afforded plenty of fun with it, just a constant watchful eye on overall conditioning. There's more I want to write, but I'll start another post.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Living with mental illness .
Just because I use that term, people instinctively make the leap to insane. Maybe that's not far off, but for the sake of being thorough let's dissect what mental illness is. Anything slightly askew from societies definition of normal, equals mental illness. Not so long ago, women were locked up for being aggressively sexual, or speaking too openly in public. This from a time in history that you could order heroin or morphine from a sears catalog and have it delivered to your door with a reusable hypodermic kit.
Now, these days everyone is on medication for something, stress? anxiety? Swallow these.
I'm certainly not saying our modern issues don't exist... My main issue is anxiety, keeps me home most of the time, I'm saying I've grown up around mental illness, from the outside looking in. It causes me to try and have a healthier outlook on my own mental health. When you forget how to spell a few words and your memory gets fuzzy after a few head traumas, you tend to appreciate what you do have. Other than the obvious oddity I've become externally, I'd like to think I'm a pretty well rounded person. My appearance is partially to weed through those that would judge me before they get to know me. I have plenty of "normal" friends, I extend the same courtesy and try to only judge what's on the inside.
When a doctor tells a six year old that their mother may get sick someday and not snap out of it, that's something that sticks with them. I have more of an understanding now though, the anger that boy had growing up, went away, it can be frustrating trying to understand the shame and embarrassment, when there's no need to feel that way. Denial is hard to watch too, that's why I'm very open now about my condition, it's not my fault, and if I can't fix it, I might as well be honest about it. So many people hide these things about themselves, but even if it makes us quirky, it also makes us who we are. I don't think I'd miss it, if I were suddenly fixed one day, but by no means do I actually consider myself broken. There's no point in wishing something away, when we just end up wasting time we could be treasuring.
Life is amazing, and even with the curveballs we get sometimes(I've had some big ones this week) the world is amazing, even if I only see it out my window half the time, I still appreciate what I have. Don't be scared of mental illness, you or someone you know have at least mild problems, but it doesn't make you less of a person. Just by reading the way I write, you should be able to surmise that just because my head has been squished a few times, that doesn't make me stupid, yes I have problems with a few things, but I think, as with most people, I'm worth getting to know.
This was a long-winded way of saying: hi, I'm a bit different, I'm sure you knew that, but I'm different in a surprising way... I'm your quiet friend, your neighbor, the one you pass at the supermarket, the guy you say hi to sometimes at shows, I could be anyone, there's only one way to find out though.
Straight from the wiki's mouth:
A mental disorder or mental illness is a psychological or behavioral pattern generally associated with subjective distress or disability that occurs in an individual, and which is not a part of normal development or culture. The recognition and understanding of mental health conditions have changed over time and across cultures, and there are still variations in the definition, assessment, and classification of mental disorders, although standard guideline criteria are widely accepted. Over a third of people in most countries report meeting criteria for the major categories at some point in their lives.
Just because I use that term, people instinctively make the leap to insane. Maybe that's not far off, but for the sake of being thorough let's dissect what mental illness is. Anything slightly askew from societies definition of normal, equals mental illness. Not so long ago, women were locked up for being aggressively sexual, or speaking too openly in public. This from a time in history that you could order heroin or morphine from a sears catalog and have it delivered to your door with a reusable hypodermic kit.
Now, these days everyone is on medication for something, stress? anxiety? Swallow these.
I'm certainly not saying our modern issues don't exist... My main issue is anxiety, keeps me home most of the time, I'm saying I've grown up around mental illness, from the outside looking in. It causes me to try and have a healthier outlook on my own mental health. When you forget how to spell a few words and your memory gets fuzzy after a few head traumas, you tend to appreciate what you do have. Other than the obvious oddity I've become externally, I'd like to think I'm a pretty well rounded person. My appearance is partially to weed through those that would judge me before they get to know me. I have plenty of "normal" friends, I extend the same courtesy and try to only judge what's on the inside.
When a doctor tells a six year old that their mother may get sick someday and not snap out of it, that's something that sticks with them. I have more of an understanding now though, the anger that boy had growing up, went away, it can be frustrating trying to understand the shame and embarrassment, when there's no need to feel that way. Denial is hard to watch too, that's why I'm very open now about my condition, it's not my fault, and if I can't fix it, I might as well be honest about it. So many people hide these things about themselves, but even if it makes us quirky, it also makes us who we are. I don't think I'd miss it, if I were suddenly fixed one day, but by no means do I actually consider myself broken. There's no point in wishing something away, when we just end up wasting time we could be treasuring.
Life is amazing, and even with the curveballs we get sometimes(I've had some big ones this week) the world is amazing, even if I only see it out my window half the time, I still appreciate what I have. Don't be scared of mental illness, you or someone you know have at least mild problems, but it doesn't make you less of a person. Just by reading the way I write, you should be able to surmise that just because my head has been squished a few times, that doesn't make me stupid, yes I have problems with a few things, but I think, as with most people, I'm worth getting to know.
This was a long-winded way of saying: hi, I'm a bit different, I'm sure you knew that, but I'm different in a surprising way... I'm your quiet friend, your neighbor, the one you pass at the supermarket, the guy you say hi to sometimes at shows, I could be anyone, there's only one way to find out though.
Straight from the wiki's mouth:
A mental disorder or mental illness is a psychological or behavioral pattern generally associated with subjective distress or disability that occurs in an individual, and which is not a part of normal development or culture. The recognition and understanding of mental health conditions have changed over time and across cultures, and there are still variations in the definition, assessment, and classification of mental disorders, although standard guideline criteria are widely accepted. Over a third of people in most countries report meeting criteria for the major categories at some point in their lives.
She.
There have been two women in my life, all of the others I've known have just been compared and measured by their standard. Two pivotal roles, two reasons for joy and so much anguish. One has only known this world for nine years, gives me so much pride, so much love, it hurts everyday to miss her so much. One has been with me since birth, compassionate, intelligent, and no one ever measures up. One is the reason to keep living, and one is mentally ill. The challenges to care for one, and to be a role model for the other are harder everyday. There are some amazing women in my life, each reaps rewards and challenges to know. There are only two that have permanent residency in my heart. My mother and my daughter, they set the bar so high for the rest of you. Freud would dissect me if he read this.
There have been two women in my life, all of the others I've known have just been compared and measured by their standard. Two pivotal roles, two reasons for joy and so much anguish. One has only known this world for nine years, gives me so much pride, so much love, it hurts everyday to miss her so much. One has been with me since birth, compassionate, intelligent, and no one ever measures up. One is the reason to keep living, and one is mentally ill. The challenges to care for one, and to be a role model for the other are harder everyday. There are some amazing women in my life, each reaps rewards and challenges to know. There are only two that have permanent residency in my heart. My mother and my daughter, they set the bar so high for the rest of you. Freud would dissect me if he read this.
Today I woke up dead.
This opens with a warning, I will certainly be labeled as volatile, unstable and damaged once you read this. I'm keeping a promise to write how I feel. This is just how I feel right this second. If I could censor it and still make my point I would. I'm sorry.
Today I woke up dead. There was a calm in the air, a sense of justice. Past debts repaid on some cosmic scale. The dark vortex around my spirit had released it's captives, you were all once again free to go about your lives. Wonder how you all missed the signs, when I was telling you without encryption, your friend is not long for this world. I've always wondered how someone could justify feeling this way, but the effect my existence has on those that surround me, has such a negative impact, how can I justify putting them through any more pain? I try to live for positivity, I desire nothing more than to make you happy. The flame inside of me burns bright, but the direction it burns now, is just not right. I can have so much passion for this world, or I can sink into a bed of my own making.
I'm sorry I've fucked up your life, caused you so much strife. I can't change the things once done, but maybe I can change just one. I'm sorry I didn't let the drunk give me a ride. I'm sorry most of all that I'm even alive. Today I woke up dead.
This opens with a warning, I will certainly be labeled as volatile, unstable and damaged once you read this. I'm keeping a promise to write how I feel. This is just how I feel right this second. If I could censor it and still make my point I would. I'm sorry.
Today I woke up dead. There was a calm in the air, a sense of justice. Past debts repaid on some cosmic scale. The dark vortex around my spirit had released it's captives, you were all once again free to go about your lives. Wonder how you all missed the signs, when I was telling you without encryption, your friend is not long for this world. I've always wondered how someone could justify feeling this way, but the effect my existence has on those that surround me, has such a negative impact, how can I justify putting them through any more pain? I try to live for positivity, I desire nothing more than to make you happy. The flame inside of me burns bright, but the direction it burns now, is just not right. I can have so much passion for this world, or I can sink into a bed of my own making.
I'm sorry I've fucked up your life, caused you so much strife. I can't change the things once done, but maybe I can change just one. I'm sorry I didn't let the drunk give me a ride. I'm sorry most of all that I'm even alive. Today I woke up dead.
Quick!
Let's all take off our shoes and soak our feet in grey matter for a bit. My head is swimming with ideas. Quick someone hand me a paintbrush, a cello bow, copper wire, pint of jack daniels, two midgets, a clown nose, three unwashed potatoes, and a clove cigarette... We've got some art to make...
Marriage, it can be miserable after a few years, and yet if you spend long enough in one, you have no idea how to return to normal life. The reality is, it's been years since things ended,(no secret) but a lifetime of always being in a relationship, and monogamy, makes a healthy trip back to being single and independent a hard road to travel. Mix in a couple of amazing kids, that I don't get to see often, and enough head injuries to make me a really odd person to be around... You get one lonely man; the purest of intentions, and all the chivalry in the world, but people see me and they expect a bad boy, unless it's playtime, I'm just not that anymore. Quiet, shy unless properly medicated, which is rare these days.
This whole thing had a point, and I've strayed way off it... I've noticed I only write when I feel upset, which isn't that often, I just don't document the good times.
I find my life somewhere I never expected it to wind up, the stress and anxiety have crippled my coping skills. I seldom leave the house, I feel unmotivated, almost repulsed by the idea of being productive. I have plenty of projects to work on, but the desire to produce is simply not present.
There's never a single moment I feel comfortable, people are in my house around the clock, oddly, I'm always home, yet never get a moment alone; I'm lonely, yet need my privacy to dance around the house to depeche mode sometimes. Don't get me wrong here, I love the people, I just really need alone time.
I miss being social, I love what I do in life, I've had the pleasure of taking my favorite hobbies, and molding them into career opportunities. However, as I progress down this path, I find it much harder to sit and concentrate.
Just typing this out, makes the burden ease up ever so slightly. I have shows, albums, articles, shoots and video work, plenty to focus on, and I take pride in the work that gets produced, even with the digital work I take a very slow, hands-on approach, it gives a greater sense of accomplishment when the finished product has the desired effect.
Still way off original intent here, never really recovered after those first couple sentences... My bed is empty, heart is waiting, head is tired and unraveled. This is what selfish honesty looks like, typing for my sake, but maybe anyone reading this far can walk away with a lesson, or some cautionary wisdom. Life finds you in funny places, a few bad experiences caused me to knowingly choose art over love, that was a mistake. Only love, or the pain of the absence of it can produce notable music or art.
This whole thing had a point, and I've strayed way off it... I've noticed I only write when I feel upset, which isn't that often, I just don't document the good times.
I find my life somewhere I never expected it to wind up, the stress and anxiety have crippled my coping skills. I seldom leave the house, I feel unmotivated, almost repulsed by the idea of being productive. I have plenty of projects to work on, but the desire to produce is simply not present.
There's never a single moment I feel comfortable, people are in my house around the clock, oddly, I'm always home, yet never get a moment alone; I'm lonely, yet need my privacy to dance around the house to depeche mode sometimes. Don't get me wrong here, I love the people, I just really need alone time.
I miss being social, I love what I do in life, I've had the pleasure of taking my favorite hobbies, and molding them into career opportunities. However, as I progress down this path, I find it much harder to sit and concentrate.
Just typing this out, makes the burden ease up ever so slightly. I have shows, albums, articles, shoots and video work, plenty to focus on, and I take pride in the work that gets produced, even with the digital work I take a very slow, hands-on approach, it gives a greater sense of accomplishment when the finished product has the desired effect.
Still way off original intent here, never really recovered after those first couple sentences... My bed is empty, heart is waiting, head is tired and unraveled. This is what selfish honesty looks like, typing for my sake, but maybe anyone reading this far can walk away with a lesson, or some cautionary wisdom. Life finds you in funny places, a few bad experiences caused me to knowingly choose art over love, that was a mistake. Only love, or the pain of the absence of it can produce notable music or art.
If my memories betray me, I'll have nothing left.
The remembrance of yesterday, makes today worth the pain.
So many wonderful experiences, twisted their way here to this spot. A life once lived, but hopefully not forgot.
No one sees me here, they just read my thoughts. Some think they know me, but I just show pieces, unless I am sought.
I've lived my life, the past joy paid, with the present bought. As long as I can hold a shard of that, I want for naught. This pain in my heart, with memories wrought.
The remembrance of yesterday, makes today worth the pain.
So many wonderful experiences, twisted their way here to this spot. A life once lived, but hopefully not forgot.
No one sees me here, they just read my thoughts. Some think they know me, but I just show pieces, unless I am sought.
I've lived my life, the past joy paid, with the present bought. As long as I can hold a shard of that, I want for naught. This pain in my heart, with memories wrought.
In the back of my eyelids, the light forms scenes. With slumber met, this would equal dreams. Mine is to be no such luck, in a waking state I am stuck.
The scenes play out without much control, although I'm awake they choose how to unfold. The deprived mind derails, without sleep it never fails. Decompress, awake or not, the brain will rest, or begin to rot.
Traumas and heartache, worry for ones past. You can't change these things, but the memories are vast.
Until slumber once again holds me in it's arms outstretched. I shall sit here and watch the patterns, on my eyelids etched.
The scenes play out without much control, although I'm awake they choose how to unfold. The deprived mind derails, without sleep it never fails. Decompress, awake or not, the brain will rest, or begin to rot.
Traumas and heartache, worry for ones past. You can't change these things, but the memories are vast.
Until slumber once again holds me in it's arms outstretched. I shall sit here and watch the patterns, on my eyelids etched.
A whisper in my ear, a cold embrace. Something guides my thoughts, not a choice.
A glimmer of a moment, long since passed. A flash of something new, undiscovered, tomorrows forecast.
Toss and turn but can't shake the guest. If I fall asleep, I'll wake with it on my chest. The pressure burrows, to the hearts core. Haunted by a life unexplored.
The shadows down the hallway float and scatter, no light nor movement explains the pattern. It keeps you awake, to make it's presence more known. The thinner the veil, the more it is shown. It feeds off the weakness stored in a weary mind. Its stronger with illness, this friend of mine.
A glimmer of a moment, long since passed. A flash of something new, undiscovered, tomorrows forecast.
Toss and turn but can't shake the guest. If I fall asleep, I'll wake with it on my chest. The pressure burrows, to the hearts core. Haunted by a life unexplored.
The shadows down the hallway float and scatter, no light nor movement explains the pattern. It keeps you awake, to make it's presence more known. The thinner the veil, the more it is shown. It feeds off the weakness stored in a weary mind. Its stronger with illness, this friend of mine.
Stillness surrounds the vacant chill in my dim room. Hours pass as if a fragment of time collapsed. Intellect trades for insanity as the deprivation hums inside my ears. The chest pains, always the chest pains, shallow breathing, twitching legs. The candle went out hours ago, now just a distant light that creeps in underneath the door. Creaking in the hallway, curious tenants concerned, just shadows passing. Thinking about how to stop thinking, let it fall quiet, just long enough to reach slumber. Birds chirping, distant car doors, every sound amplified through the vibrations in my skull. To step outside? Confront the fear? Not till sleep, I wouldn't dare. I write, I ponder, at this early hour, my mind will wander, but I will not, lay completely still. Hands numb, mouth dry, eyes water. A thousand goals for today, not a single met. Maybe tomorrow, but that doesn't even fool me, so much to do, but no grasp on time. Wasting away, I somehow keep a positive mind. Things get better, this I know, even if it's a lie, it's the one distant light that creeps in underneath the door.
Time melts by,
with each waking moment spent
Panic attack, broken brain
Can't breath, cold sweat
Maybe I'm just paranoid
Unisom lost in my system
Still awake with this affliction
5 hours ago, 5 minutes went by
Now I'm just laying here, don't know why
Life passes by
Out my window the world moves on
This scratched record
plays the same old song
If there were an opposite to ok
I would be that
To put it eloquently
Not ok
Time melts by.
with each waking moment spent
Panic attack, broken brain
Can't breath, cold sweat
Maybe I'm just paranoid
Unisom lost in my system
Still awake with this affliction
5 hours ago, 5 minutes went by
Now I'm just laying here, don't know why
Life passes by
Out my window the world moves on
This scratched record
plays the same old song
If there were an opposite to ok
I would be that
To put it eloquently
Not ok
Time melts by.
In my lifetime.
In my lifetime.
Mcnuggets
Cordless phones, car phones, cellular phones, smart phones
Cable television, high definition, plasma television, music television, reality television, stereoscopic television, on demand, streaming
Internet, high-speed, wifi, personal computers, laptops
War on drugs, war for drugs, drug wars, medicinal marijuana, but no social medicine
Plastic surgery, war on obesity, crossbred vegetables, hormone injected meat
Atkins, Hanson
Snowboarding, turntablism
Laser disc, DVD, blu-ray, 16bit, 32bit, 64bit, 128bit, 256bit megabyte, gigabyte
Aids, bird flu, mad cow
3d animation, virtual worlds
Stealth bombers, smart bombs, twin towers, Berlin wall
On star, serius xm, hybrid cars, car alarms, noise pollution, ozone
Email, txt, return to illiteracy
Social networks, chat rooms, free pornography for all
War on terror,Reagan, two bushes, Clinton sex scandal, African American president
Look at how far we've come, and yet how far we have to go. We've lost ourselves in the noise of everyday life. We can barely communicate because it's so easy to keep in touch. We don't relate, we're selfish, mindless drones.
With the freedom of information, we've grown stupid, we believe the lies.
Spoon fed, redneck, ebonic, spoiled Americans in debt to the whole world. World powers flipped upside down.
Prison systems overflow, a new depression era, anxiety pills, headed for a civil war.
In 30 years we've forgotten who our enemies are. Celebrate freedom, the right to choose, gun permits, did the holocaust even happen? Volkswagen nazi tanks, IBM counted Jews.
Prescription drugs claimed the king of pop, OJ's gloves didn't fit, Madonna expressed herself, lady gaga exposed herself.
Why do we care what happens to celebrities, when we don't know our neighbors names? We're all too consumed in our own lives, television, news, video games.
Telemarket, snooze button, diet pills, instant gratification, yet can you say you're truly happy?
Here we sit in the same room, staring at our phones, letting the whole world know how much fun we're having, but forgetting to look up. Never happy with where we are, too busy thinking about where we could be. Not enough money, but that's always true, a little more overtime, but still past due.
Catholic shame, Walmart must be to blame, monopoly isn't just a game.
Don't ask, don't tell, gay marriage is alright, as long as they keep it over there.
Broccoli was invented, who even knew? Our DNA has been changed from the things that we consume.
I can admit, a bit of a hypocrite, when this list is to point out the ironic nature of our lives, but I enjoy these things too.
Don't get upset with me, if this list doesn't seem complete. Certain parts may sound unfair, but you're just reading something that isn't there. The point of a list is to notice trends, the very nature of this may offend.
Mcnuggets
Cordless phones, car phones, cellular phones, smart phones
Cable television, high definition, plasma television, music television, reality television, stereoscopic television, on demand, streaming
Internet, high-speed, wifi, personal computers, laptops
War on drugs, war for drugs, drug wars, medicinal marijuana, but no social medicine
Plastic surgery, war on obesity, crossbred vegetables, hormone injected meat
Atkins, Hanson
Snowboarding, turntablism
Laser disc, DVD, blu-ray, 16bit, 32bit, 64bit, 128bit, 256bit megabyte, gigabyte
Aids, bird flu, mad cow
3d animation, virtual worlds
Stealth bombers, smart bombs, twin towers, Berlin wall
On star, serius xm, hybrid cars, car alarms, noise pollution, ozone
Email, txt, return to illiteracy
Social networks, chat rooms, free pornography for all
War on terror,Reagan, two bushes, Clinton sex scandal, African American president
Look at how far we've come, and yet how far we have to go. We've lost ourselves in the noise of everyday life. We can barely communicate because it's so easy to keep in touch. We don't relate, we're selfish, mindless drones.
With the freedom of information, we've grown stupid, we believe the lies.
Spoon fed, redneck, ebonic, spoiled Americans in debt to the whole world. World powers flipped upside down.
Prison systems overflow, a new depression era, anxiety pills, headed for a civil war.
In 30 years we've forgotten who our enemies are. Celebrate freedom, the right to choose, gun permits, did the holocaust even happen? Volkswagen nazi tanks, IBM counted Jews.
Prescription drugs claimed the king of pop, OJ's gloves didn't fit, Madonna expressed herself, lady gaga exposed herself.
Why do we care what happens to celebrities, when we don't know our neighbors names? We're all too consumed in our own lives, television, news, video games.
Telemarket, snooze button, diet pills, instant gratification, yet can you say you're truly happy?
Here we sit in the same room, staring at our phones, letting the whole world know how much fun we're having, but forgetting to look up. Never happy with where we are, too busy thinking about where we could be. Not enough money, but that's always true, a little more overtime, but still past due.
Catholic shame, Walmart must be to blame, monopoly isn't just a game.
Don't ask, don't tell, gay marriage is alright, as long as they keep it over there.
Broccoli was invented, who even knew? Our DNA has been changed from the things that we consume.
I can admit, a bit of a hypocrite, when this list is to point out the ironic nature of our lives, but I enjoy these things too.
Don't get upset with me, if this list doesn't seem complete. Certain parts may sound unfair, but you're just reading something that isn't there. The point of a list is to notice trends, the very nature of this may offend.
Behold the power of conversation
People don't seem to understand why I'm not very sexually aggressive anymore. When I try to explain, it's either met with opposition or disbelief.
I enjoy conversation, it's great when I can sit and talk at length with a female I find attractive, but brain matter knows no gender.
Often it's thought snobbish to make a statement like that, but understand; it need not be a weighted topic like quantum physics or synthesis mapping. I had a twenty minute conversation with five people about thumbs yesterday, in it's own abstract way it was enlightening.
Nothing is sexier on someone than a great perspective. You probably won't change my views on a topic, but I love it when you try, and a fresh way of looking at a stale topic, often leads to new ideas.
Between constant sleep deprivation, and several head injuries, I respect what I can still manage to hold onto. Everyone should yearn for knowledge, seek out topics askew from what you are learning about, just to bring that knowledge back into what you are currently working on. I read or delve into subjects that travel far off the path I'm trying to reach, but it makes for a more robust journey.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm leading this, but it's just refreshing to attempt an explanation of why I don't react the way most would in social situations. While others may flock to obvious groups of people, I may tend to quietly watch, or seek out the one person in the room that can talk about depth of field, color coding, and zombie films all at once.
I'm tired of typing now.
Originally written June 24th
Lonely, sad, anxious, afraid to open up to the world and risk being hurt again. Think you're the only one that feels this way? Sadly part of this condition is making you feel you're The only person on the planet that suffers. In reality so many of us hurt, and rather than reach out to each other, we shell up, internalize, turn to alcohol, drugs, or sleep too much, or never sleep at all. We convince ourselves we're hated by everyone and that society is better off without us.
Usually overly critical people are very intelligent, they've just suffered hardships that make life seem unrelatable.
I seldom leave my house, sleep alone every night, have panic attacks constantly. I know there are others that live this life too. I'm here for you, as I slowly learn to cope and stay positive, I see more and more people that need help, but sometimes don't recognize a friend when they see it. Life doesn't have to be so hard. I'm here.
Usually overly critical people are very intelligent, they've just suffered hardships that make life seem unrelatable.
I seldom leave my house, sleep alone every night, have panic attacks constantly. I know there are others that live this life too. I'm here for you, as I slowly learn to cope and stay positive, I see more and more people that need help, but sometimes don't recognize a friend when they see it. Life doesn't have to be so hard. I'm here.
Updates
I've been writing on Facebook and ignoring my blog, but I always end up back here... I'm going to transfer what I've written there over here, so expect a flood of writing. Much of it is contextual to how I felt at the time, it doesn't apply to where I'm at currently.
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