New years

I'm spending it with exactly who I'd love to be around throughout the year. Of all the places I could be... This is it.

Diary of a lucid dreamer chaper one

Without my medication I'm slapped right back into insomnia, so it's important to enjoy the little sleep I do get. I've refined some techniques I used to use to have lucid dreams.
The handiest trick I've learned, is a revision to the technique where you look at a watch or cellphone regularly during the day, and ask, "am I sleeping?". The dream world is too unstable to recreate these objects without them moving around. I've learned I can use something I always have around, no matter what I'm doing... My arm tattoos. Like a charm, everytime I look at them in my sleep, the tattoos crawl up and down my arms, as my subconscious tries to emulate the actual tattoos. Instantly I realize I'm sleeping and become lucid.

The ugli

It's Christmas eve. My doctor failed me, and I've run out of medicine, it's dangerous and I'm aggrevated.

The bad

The kids are coming which is wonderful, but there's not much food here, I hope they enjoy themselves, not alot to do when it's cold out.

The good

Had a great time Tuesday, suspension and great music. Fresh holes in lucid make him happy, previewing xXRx was cool too. Gave away a few CDs before the album launches.
I'll ellaborate more later.

Write write write

Aside from helping produce a couple albums for friends, and even jumping in the writing process some too, I've been working myself crazy writing the new xXRx material, trying to capture what's in my head.
Dealing with personal demons isn't something I face head on often, but I can't avoid writing about things that are really bothering me.
"ma mere" will be dealing with my mothers illness, while tracks like heaven backwards will face other family issues.
This will be such a seperation from our usual sound, but once I have the right guitarist, I think it may be an evolution for us. We will always dabble in idm and dnb, but I love dark orchestral industrial, and this has plenty of that.
Blah blah blah, just unwinding my head before sitting down to mix more.

The next chapter begins.

Quite literally I'm rising from the ashes, feeling stronger than I was before.
Musically I've began my work on chapter two of xXRx next release, while that may seem odd, as chapter one hasn't released yet, I feel the music is done, it just needs some guitar and vocal work. I didn't want to sit around between chapters, I want them to come from a similar emotional state.

In my life, for several years, I suppose I've dabbled more with scientific ideas and practices, and put my spirituality on hold, I'm taking what I've learned in scientific practice and now applying it to my spiritual side. Yes, I kept that vague on both parts, you'll understand more as art and such comes from what I'm doing now. To define it a bit more: I was into digital work, and psychology, now I'm taking techniques learned and using them to build a more complete me.
I've gotten over feeling lonely, understanding as we get older, we are all less compatible, set in our ways, or on our own journeys. I don't think I have anything to offer, more important, I'm just not looking.
Photography I've purposely slowed to a crawl, I want to make art, not pretty pictures, so it's more important to wait until I know what I want to shoot. Sometimes inspiration can be forced, other times it must be sought. I will have a spread I shot for a dear friend in the next issue of dead timez magazine. It appealed to me artistically and was a great step for her.
Back to "work"....

Good to distract

Fallout new Vegas= crack... Hours of wandering. God of war III, don't get me started.

Mixing is pretty much done on the instruments for xXRx 333 chapter 1, just need some vocals and guitars.
My mood is so much healthier these days :)

Lucid.

And we're back.
Invigorated by opening back up my spiritual side, and gaining control of my dreams again.
I figured out the best dream cue ever, my own tattoos, I simply look at my arm, if it looks different( the dreamstate is very unstable) I know I'm dreaming. 5 lucid dreams in two nights.

I've been studying Kabbalah and numerology, as well as a few other random belief structures. It's nice just to open my spiritual side back up.

I'm feeling better on the medications. I've taken a few days off writing the new album, just for perspective. Rushing it will certainly not produce quality material. The search for a guitarist has been hard, I think I know who I'll be working with, but he's currently hard to reach.

Still reclusive, but I'm enjoying the alone time.

Mmm crack

Fable III and writing music... Shhh.

In one breath

Eleven years of pain, captured in a single breath. The heart skips a beat, the pulse slows, and a chapter from history is erased in two simple words.

The ceiling... How much of his future will he spend staring at that void? The one where the sight vanishes, in the dim light. The nothing, he is the master of it now. Wasting time is more easy than the reality beyond, easier still than regret.

Gone now, swallowed whole, like so much before it. The pain should vanish with the name. "It won't", he thinks,"but it should."

He drapes himself across a bed, a scene all too familiar, listening to the same music, feeling the same hurt. So why is tonight special? "because tonight, a name disappears in a single breath." a chill down the neck, a last grasp on what was. Now return to the void.

Writing.

I've been writing music so much getting ready for some new releases I guess I've ignored everything else.
My kids did visit last week, and they'll be here in a couple days, it's wonderful to get to hang out with them, they're amazing.
Some of the music has been frustrating, but I've got a decent workflow going right now, so I've just cancelled out all the noise, and tried to focus on the writing process. If I go back and finish up the songs I've started this week I've got a decent jump on a new release, probably as xXRx. I've been doing some other work too, a bit of show photography, and some side music stuff that will hopefully start taking shape.
I wrote one song in particular that is just a raw, stripped down honesty, I don't get to express often.
I'll quit blowing things off soon, I promise, I just always work in the direction I feel pointed. Keeps things interesting, fresh, and hopefully people will enjoy the efforts.

There's always a reason.

Maybe sometimes excuse is a better word than reason...
If I vanish from your life, I do still exist. I have reclusive days, and different types of people feed different sides of my brain.
Currently I've been working on stop animation and music daily, so I've just sought people that helped feed that, or wrote by myself.
I spend a big part of my time healing, therapy,meds and aa&d sessions. I'm tired of never catching my breath, so I'm getting stronger.
I'll emerge soon, I really wanted to make headway on new music material, and step back from photography, other than for art.
I've actually stayed rather social, just some friends I never got to hang out with much, and musicians I respect have garnered most of my social time.

This morning I awaken the way it should be everyday. My children are here, they stayed up late playing games and watching tv.
I miss them everyday, and they have a part of my heart that I'll never get back, they reserve a part of myself that no one else will ever know.
When I was a fulltime father I sacrificed everything that came between us, I never recovered from the way they were ripped from my life. In the end I sacrificed even my relationship with them in hopes they'd still be brought up well, and have peace in their hearts. I would have fought until the bitter end to have them, but at what cost to their relationship to both parents? I felt it better to be calm, still.
I'll say good morning soon, make them breakfast, and they'll leave again. My heart will hurt for days after, longing for them. It's so bittersweet to spend evenings with my wonderful children.
I love you both so much, maybe someday you'll stumble across what I've written here, and maybe someday you'll understand why things are the way they are right now.

Positivity

Anyone that reads this blog would coin me as being a negative person, in reality I'm quite the optimist, I'm just faced with alot of hardships lately.
I am blessed to live the life I do, I mess up like everyone does, but I try to dust off and keep pushing forward. Right now my life is at a crossroad and for once I'm in control of where it leads.
I'm planning on shifting my focus for a while, after making some art this week I found it a much more rewarding use of my time than the usual model photography. I will still be photographing, most of the art will be photographed or stop animation, and the occasional model shoot will still take place. I'm more excited to say my musical urge is returning, if I'm not in just the right mood it feels forced, but I found it quite relaxing to plugin and record this morning. My writing is taking somewhat of a different turn too, I'm excited to see where it ends up.
A few bands have asked me to join, at this point I do miss the stage, but I want to be in a band I'm happy with, so I'm just feeling things out, and composing on my own for now. I'm sure my bandmate in xXRx will join in soon and this material may be placed on our next full length album.
My kids are supposed to visit this weekend which is always wonderful. some good friends have started emerging back in my life.
Good days ahead.

Guilty until proven innocent

I barely leave the house the past few weeks, so why does something horrible have to happen when I do?
Alcohol and medication + several head injuries would be the most probable answer. It just feels like an excuse though.
Went out with my brother and his friend, and met up with some of our mutual friends. Drinks were had, and I wasn't paying attention to the fact that I'm not used to my new medications yet.
Somehow an arguement started. I haven't thrown a punch since I was twelve, apparently I threw about 50, on my own brother and his friend. Things calmed down and I went to my room, I was completely blacked out, a fire started somehow in my trashcan, I guess it freaked me out because I ran off. This is where I start remembering chunks of things. I was in a field, I knew I'd been a jerk, but didn't know I'd hit anyone, I walked home and saw a firetruck. I sat and talked to a fireman until a policeman showed up and arrested me. I thought it was for domestic disturbance. I sat in the waiting area, and didn't know I was in serious trouble until they took me In a room and made me strip, shower and put on this strange Velcro vest with nothing on under it.
When people say jail sucks, there's no way to understand until you've experienced it. It was cold, I was basically naked and had a sink/toilet, no idea of time other than when they slide food through a small slit in the door.
Boredom is the name of the game, I had to put myself in a meditative state just to avoid having a serious panic attack. I had no idea how long I was to stay there. They came and handcuffed me, led me in a room and a fire Marshall talked to me, let me know inwas on a 24hr hold until he and a judge could determine if it was an accident. He questioned me for about an hour, but I had been blacked out, I didn't have much information.
I was put back in my cell. Going to the bathroom is almost impossible, between the odd vest and the fact that people are watching you, there's even a camera in every cell. The man next to me was crazy, yelling nonstop, you can't see the other inmates, just hear them. He took toilet paper and covered his camera, yelled about being pregnant. Didn't make things any easier.
I tried to guess at the time based off meals, but was way off, finally someone came and released me, it was ruled accidental. I'll probably blog more about this, and the cleanup process, I still can't sleep in my room, the one place I feel safe.
I'm home, safe, even spent an evening with someone great last night. All of my piercings except my snakebites went in with little pain. I'll have to get them redone.
I'm happy to be free, but very ashamed of what transpired.

The harder I try

The more I want to be a good healthy, productive person, the harder I fail.
Please don't ever trust me, don't love me, don't become close to me. I hurt everyone I love. I'm so sorry, but I can't fix the things I do. I have the biggest heart, but my head is messed up, I'm sick, but trying to fix it.
No one can hate me, more than I already do.
This isn't some pointless self loathing, I did something horrible, that I can't fathom. I'll type it out once I can handle thinking about it.

xXRx new animation

Finally... I edited some

Uploaded some new pictures tonight, I still have a ton to edit, but at least I've gotten some of them finished.

No interpretation needed.

Don't ever complain about your dreams(nightmares) they'll just get pissed and seek revenge.

Sitting talking to my mother, she begins to make less sense, something I've encountered in waking life. She begins to get upset, then angry, as I try to calm her I decide to call 911. I'm attacked, she reaches for a safety pin and begins jabbing it into my face and chest. I subdue her finally. A hospital evaluates her, and decides to let her go, which leaves her more enraged. I ask my brother for help, she says she wants revenge... He laughs and holds me down. They end up torturing me, carving me up inch by inch, peeling my face off, slitting up my legs... More than I should endure before waking up... Finally I did awaken after a while. Just very disturbing. I was being held open with medical instruments and had bones bared by the end of it.

Still a rockstar

For some reason it's only late at night in my boxers that I get reminded my life Is still neat. A good friend consoles, and I get some fun, free stuff(unrelated)... Joy. Good night.

The dreams that rot inside my head.

My medication causes me to sleep deeply. It also causes me to have have rather involved, surreal and usually dark dreams. Often waking from one directly into another, and for some reason I can't recognize dream symbols to become lucid,(the irony).

Last night I had a dream about spending alot of time with an old friend, one I had a falling out with after I got married. By the middle of the dream we were fighting, violently, I got set on fire, I stabbed him with his own knife. After time in nonsense, I realized I thought he had died, the dream ended at his funeral.

This dream was only disturbing because from all I know, he has passed. From what I was told he died of cancer several years ago. Upon waking it bothered me enough to try and search to put the rumors to rest either way, as no one I know was at his funeral, or was even close to him at the time. No search results left me feeling upset. If he hasn't passed on, it's sad that a rumor got started, if he has, it's sad you can't find information about it.

Long story short, my dreams are intense and brooding, but at least I sleep now...

Numb

I sleep now, maybe too much, due to the new medications. My anxiety attacks come less often, but sometimes more intense.
There's something else now. A numbness , a void. It leads me to ask a question: Why is numbness equated to sadness, to loss?
Instead of the relief I do feel with the medication, I dwell some on the fact that I'm losing creative impulse, even sexuality.
Numbness could be a good thing, even a break from sexuality can be positive. Yet by some predetermined programming I'm left feeling upset about it.
Last week marked one year since Colby took his life. I sent out a message of love and remembrance at the exact minute that marked one year since I'd received that first txt message.
9/16/2009 11:18 "have you heard? Cole just took his life..."

I got a memorial tattoo 3 days after his passing, and found myself in Nola before the week was over. This year I got another tattoo, the pain tribe symbol.
The same exact day this year, a good friend attempted suicide. I don't know what to do with that, why must we hurt so much?
How can I sit here day after day talking about how hard life is, and yet it's mine alone to own it? Everyone is so lonely, billions of people, and we can't save each other.
It's only been a few months since I survived my suicide attempt, I've made discoveries, had setbacks, learned and lost.
There's a vigor for life, a yearning for each day to be important, once you decide you want to stay on this planet. I wish that didn't fade with time, it gets lost in our daily shuffle.

Once again, we find ourselves feeling alone.

Ups and downs

Being on medication has helped alot, but there are still antisocial days, those days are much more noticable when they aren't so frequent.
We have a huge photoshoot planned Monday, it should be just what I need to get things back on track. Two of the four models are new, so it should be interesting. I've only attempted to do a shoot this big two other occasions, with mixed results. This time however, I picked most of the models and we have an excellent location.
Not much else to say today, there are some interesting things going on in my life, but until they become more defined, they don't need to be mentioned.

Alcohol I hate you

I hate you and yet, I know I'll never manage to get rid of you. Once again I hurt those around me because I act dumb when I get drunk. When I'm sober I feel like no one likes me, people can't enjoy conversation and my anxiety pushes me to drink to loosen up. I hate myself right now. Wish I could at least remember why.
I just wish I was close to someone right now. This fucking blog is the only thing that listens.

Today is a new day

Today is a new day

After much trouble finding a way to my doctor, two good friends agreed to take me. Today was important, I had to cancel last month after commiting my mother, but made it today. He finally put me on medications, hopefully this will make life a bit easier to face everyday. I'll be going out with the same friends tommorow, so I guess I'll see how the meds help, although two of them won't help much at first. It'll be a couple weeks before they are in my system.

Doing more photography as always, going to setup the shoot I've been trying to get done for weeks. Traveling to Oklahoma in early October to shoot suspension. I also have some pinup shoots and stop animation I'm working on.

The anxiety and sleep deprivation have made it hard to concentrate, but I think now I'll be getting back into music, I have a new xXRx album to work on, a brothers darqly album to wrap up, I just got my frontline assembly track to remix, and three other music projects in the planning stages.

I haven't made it to the art factory meetings yet, but I believe I'll probably attend this Saturday, a collective of artists gathering for a like minded goal sounds amazing.

Once again, I've given up on relationships, seems it's too easy to be forgotten about, maybe the meds will change my outlook, or decrease my sexdrive and need for companionship. It was never about sex anyways.

Things should get better now.

:)

Between spending time with my children last night, and being told something very sweet by a good friend, I feel very good today. I'll probably visit with my kids for a bit tommorow too, and I may go bowling tonight, just to get out for a bit, I did promise some people I'd go.
Hopefully if they read this, they won't mind me posting it, but if they do, I'll take it down.
"oh yeah. This is your reminder that you are wonderful and important and I want you in my life"
It's things like that, that help me wake up and face the world everyday.
I paid them a well fitted and honest reply, but I'll not share that, because i try to keep from revealing who anyone is in my blog.
This person occupies my thoughts more and more everyday. When we are around each other there is a magnetic pull. Yet we are just friends. It's just nice to know there are still a few decent people left in this city.
<3

Answers lead to questions.

I did go out Friday, and had a great evening, ended up going to a show of an ex band member, was just going in to get cards from someone, but people kept talking and so I ended up staying. It was odd because there has been bad blood in the past, but to me it is the past. Pretty uneventful, other than getting flipped off... Which didn't bother me at all. It's all old news, I don't live my life worrying about things anymore.
Spent most of my time hanging out with someone specific, and I'm sure there will be rumors now... That happens anytime I spend time around a girl, but it's silly.
After a good talk, I got some fresh perspective about things in my life right now, and I feel better about where things are headed.
I got to see my wonderful children last night, something which doesn't occur often enough these days. I miss them so much.
I worry about some of my friends and the direction of their lives, and I try to reach out and help, the only thing I can do, but where they are in their lives it's just something that only time can mend. Being someone that wastes too much of my own life from anxiety, I just hate seeing them pass up great opportunity to be miserable.
Lot of shoots this week, and a couple nights of things I haven't done in a while... Bowling night, and sushi night among other things... Should be back to social behaviour, after the antisocial week I had this week. Probably doing photography at a club Tuesday, just to make an animation of it, and if I get a reply our location shoot may finally get booked.

Like, totally!

I've been so emotional lately, an if I had a really good reason, it wouldn't bother me.
I think I've let my guard down to let people in, to enjoy the company of people again. I can't second guess this choice, but it has made me very antisocial this week. I've only talked to a select few, even though last week was insane.
Supposed to go out tonight, haven't decided if it's a good idea yet... A few things lead me to believe I could be miserable, but a few important things are telling me I should just go live life and shut up.
Having much more than a shallow, surface relationship with people proves so hard, the few I do share commonalities with, prove to back off after a few weeks and become distant.
I don't remember it ever being this hard to just have close relationships with people. Why has the world become so jaded? People either question my intent, or just won't open up... Or don't have much going on inside them, sadly.
There is still so much great going on in my life... But who is there to care to know about it?

I saw it!!!

The commercial I filmed(time lapse) and soundtracked for eternal tattoo aired at least three times yesterday on comedy central! Huzzah!
Yes, I said huzzah, get over it.

I wish.

Just how I feel right now... Didn't really take time to form it into coherent stanza or scheme...

I wish I could offer more than a shoulder to cry on. More than a hand to hold as the world burns around us.
I wish I could offer more than someone to laugh and cry with, someone to share every moment, good or bad with.
Someone who will never judge, never be too busy.
I can't offer more, but maybe that's all you need.

Argh.

Pure aggrevation. I'm just tired of everyone elses life cycles causing mine to repeat too.
I keep changing things, spending time with new people, but yet find myself in the same situations. I need to leave this city and all of it's negativity behind.
I had a great week, but once it was all said and done, I feel just as lonely. The people I like blow me off or have complicated lives, the ones that like me, would be a mistake to fall back into their lifestyles.
Something new... Really new, is all I need. Maybe I need to spend the week by myself and my camera, and just make art. I love being around people, but the nice ones vanish, and the damaged abound.
I have alot of pending plans this week, but last week was so hectic, I'm ready to blow this week off and be antisocial.
So many people I miss right now, some moved away, some stopped caring, and some are slowly growing distant. Why must people stop caring?
Fuck it, I'll join the club... I don't care either. For a few days, no one will hear from me, unless they make the attempt... I'll be busy healing and creating.

Here we are again

I always forget to write when things are good. It was a very busy week. Parties birthdays, shows, photoshoots, a movie, a date(of sorts), suspension, and a farewell to a good friend.

Alot of our models are becoming good friends, an I either go out to hang out with them, or end up seeing them everywhere I go. I got kidnapped twice this week, once for a sushi "date", and once for a last minute photoshoot, which turned into a farewell party... On average when I leave the house, I don't get home until around noon the next day. So I guess I'm being alot more social.

A friend of over a decade had a bday party, with drum n bass djs and suspension acts... Tons of fun. Left there, sat at a friends house and we discussed collaboration.

I'm leaving out about a million things here, but life is good currently.

The illness is still in the household, but hopefully it's getting better. Yesterday was filled with cryptic questions.

Good god!

It's been a great week, and I'll write about it more later... When I have time. The main thing I have to say....

Would you just kiss me and get it over with?!? I'm so patient, but I do want some affirmation, beautiful.

Damn I have so much to write about. I'll catch you all up. Today isn't any slower than the past 4.

It's been an odd week, ups and downs, mom got out of the hospital today, but it's too early. I couldn't tell at first but her speech is still very confused, and I'm afraid she is still hiding medications she should be on. If what is in the kitchen is an indication of what she's taking, they put her on less than she was on before. She wasn't even taking that correctly, she hid an anti-psychotic from us for 8 months.

I've started work with the short webisodes we will be producing, and I went out a couple nights this week, even had some company over earlier in the week. I'll be attending my friends birthday friday, there will be suspension acts at the party.

I've adjusted to being alone, and I guess I just don't care. The person I liked is with someone else, I gave up on a couple other people that liked me because it was all too shallow. There is someone I enjoy spending time with, but it's so complicated I'm not sure it'll ever be anything other than a friendship. Mine is a path of solitude now. I'm lucky enough to have a few people I can actually call friends right now, that should be enough.

I keep forgetting I have a few shoots to finish processing. The days blur together and I lose track of things.

Stained glass windows long empty hall

This is where the subject line of my previous post cam from: I wrote this about 16 years ago, it's about me as a child dealing with my mothers mental illness, I can't find the original, and can't remember a couple parts, if I remember or find it, I'll ammend this post:

In the corner scene surreal, a young child doesn't know how to feel.
(I can't remember this part)

Stained glass windows, long empty halls, mommys in the pretty white house with the padded walls.

Mommys in the pretty white house.

Have fun on vacation mom. She'll be back in a few days I'm sure. She's doing her annual visit to the lovely city of phych ward. We've been sitting here for three hours waiting for her to be committed. Numbness. People don't understand how this effects us to commit her so often.
After several conversations that didn't make sense, we knew today was the day. I don't feel like typing from a hospital room, so this will be brief. I don't really want to explore how this all makes me feel until I'm back in the safety of my home. Right now I just focus on choking down this massive panic attack I'm hiding to seem strong.
It should be just about departure time... Have fun on vacation mom.

Ouch not really what I typed but close enough.

I was typing and kept swerving into new rants, wanted to focus more on one thing that plagues me lately, how lonely I am. Seeing as I've typed this once already, and it got destroyed I'll try to focus in on the important parts this time around.

I overthink everything, that causes me to miss chances with those I care for. I'm growing apart as we speak from someone very dear to me, and feel powerless to do anything more than watch.
My other shortlived attempts have been stopped by me before they got out of hand, I noticed unhealthy patterns and decided to not even start something I would regret.

Others have approached me, a couple all but threw themselves at me, but for certain reasons I knew it'd be a bad choice to seek anything with them, and I'm really not the one night stand type.

What do I miss you ask? (yes I'm putting words in your mouth now)

I miss laying next to someone and feeling them fall asleep in my arms. I miss waking up and seeing them staring at me, contently. I miss walks because it's tuesday, sitting outside and talking about nothing important. I miss staying in, because while going out is great, sometimes it distracts from spending time and talking with the only person you care to spend time with. I'm an emo girl at heart. I'm going to watch Benny and join and cry... Not really, but that'd be appropriate after this paragraph.
I'm tired of typing this. I'd rather be making someone laugh, and smile.

Side note, always type in offline apps, then copy and paste. Less chance of things getting stupid. This retype went somewhere else altogether and I forgot some really nice things I had to say about someone.

Crap.

I typed something really long, and a notification popped up as I was typing, closed the app and it forgot everything I typed. Curse you, I was on a roll too. I'll try to recreate it...

If I were a book, would I be hardback?

I wish I could write a book about my life, but upon reflection, it'd be more of a "what not to do" type of book. It's so easy to pinpoint bad choices, and try to avoid making them again. The problem is my life, in my opinion, has slowed to a crawl avoiding all the possible mistakes. Maybe those mistakes have to be made to find the beautiful moments in life, nothing ventured nothing gained and all those other quotes I don't feel like repeating.

Hiding in my house most of the time certainly isn't going to help me find love, friendship or any other shared human experience worth discovering. I've worked really hard to be more social, but often it leads me to wonder if there is anyone left I relate to on any significant level. People are wonderful, complex creatures, and everyone has some trait or knowledge that makes them beautiful and unique, but so many souls stifle that beauty, they hide it in shame.
Why must individuality cause so much stress and pain? I hate to think of a sea full of drone faceless putty, conformity is not a natural instinct, it's a learned process brought on by fear, taught it schools, barked from pulpits, and shown on television.

If I were to write a book about myself what would it be called? Rapid fire answers, some automatic writing, if you will:
"How to marry a junkie, clean them up to have your children, only to have junkie steal them after you kick her out" no too long.

"babysit your kids or make it to band practice, which is right for you?"
Eh, we all know how that one went wrong no matter what I chose.

"Learning to not live life by hiding from it, a cautionary tale of love and loss, then the void it all leaves after."

"how to not be recognized for your actual accomplishments, but for stupid rumors people start"

Ok I'm bored with that now. Rather than ellaborate on any of that, I'll leave it as is... Go ahead and judge those books on the covers, that's all you get.

Life, people and other great mistakes.

Hmm, personal life or professional life first. I guess the lines blur sometimes so let's just jump in. The last photoshoot was a mix of party and photography, and some ended up how should we say... Not exactly art, drunk people do funny things. Photographers tend to document. 12 hours of photography and debauchery and over 1000 images to sort. Of that maybe 10 will really make the cut. Wouldn't be so bad, but I was mostly shooting in raw not jpeg so I have to open each image one by one.
We went out for about an hour between photography visited zeal, and attempted to go to makeout. They told me "your pants are too long" I was wearing shorts. Two people dressed similar walked right in. And I saw photos from the evening, of one of my other models wearing shorts just like mine. So I'll be talking to Johan(runs makeout, dj friend). Bad choice doorman.
Everytime I get interested in someone they mess with my head, second time recently, I'm just glad I didn't actually start dating either of them. Wonderful people, I just don't like head games.
Hmm there's more I want to ellaborate on here, but Id rather keep some of my professional demeanor here, so I'll choose not to mention certain events.
I've also been doing design work on yet another website, we are retooling currently to redesign even though the site has launched.
I've been asked to take part in a model competition, that leads up to a fashion show, if I participate I will probably be bringing models of mine with me. The photographers involved have alot of opportunities so it may be a good option.

I spoke to my amazing children tonight, I really miss them, they start school in a few hours, I really miss being the one that packed lunchs cooked breakfast, and picked out clothes for them.

I guess I glossed over the love life, so let me backtrack a bit here. I am choosing to be alone, I've spent some time with someone I thought I liked this week, and they are great, but they don't measure up to the person I really like, and I'm pretty sure neither cares I'm alive, even though one invites me out all the time, and flirts constantly, and the other has random moments that confuse the hell out of me, she opens up and seems to care, then vanishes. It wears me out, I need something stable, or nothing at all. I have a kind heart, and lead a pretty interesting life, it'd be great to share it, but I'm not holding my breath.
There is an artist and musician collective that have asked me to join them, I guess in this case I'd be both, they hold meetings and just make art and music in mass. Sounds great. A few other photographers and businesses have approached me about collaboration. While I have to remain wary of collaborating it does sound good.
Had a guitarist lay down tracks for the brothers darqly today, I haven't had time to cut, eq and mix them in yet, but hopefully they work out.
I've been handing out demos to djs lately just to spread our work a bit more locally, I garner little interest in performing here, I've done that for years, it's just nice to promote in your hometown as albums finish and tours are planned. That was the main reason I was trying to go to the club, to get Johan and Francis CDs, but doormen are morons.
There's actually alot I'm leaving out here, I don't want anyone to feel weird about my open banter and mentioning too much about their lives.
Blah blah blah tons to do, we start filming this week too, there is a big photoshoot I've been planning, but my weeks fill up too fast to get it all worked out. I had models picked, but they won't keep in touch about scheduling, so I may pick different people. The location is amazing.

This is the part.

This is the part where I can say "please God, someone help me" and I get no response. I could put signs on every door down the street. I could tattoo it across my forehead, but somehow, no one hears, or just doesn't bother answering.
No one cares anymore. I guess I'm lucky people did care for so many years.
I'll blockade my door and try to return to sleep. I don't feel safe right now. I can hear the restless, aimless scampering of feet, and sadly it creeps me out. Fear should be one thing not welcome in the household.

Sleep.

I awake to the sound of sobbing, loud sobbing. I'm pulled out of rem so hard that I'm still shaking.
I ran into the hallway and asked what was wrong. "I tried to talk to her, she got upset." my brothers voice answered. I try to calm and shake it off, she emerges saying we hate her, and spouting other negative thoughts, saying she wishes it would kill her.
We just want her to be ok, to get better I try to explain. Since before I can remember it's been tabboo to talk about until it's gone full blown.
It was hard making it through my meltdown, I almost had myself committed, now it's that time of year again. Time to deal with the family "secret".

Written 217 days ago, Jan 11th
(keep in mind it's not current, even though it's similar to what's happening now)

I remember drawing a simple square, with a triangle on top, with four people standing beside it a man, woman, and two boys. I wasn't drawing this with paper, nor was I using a pen, or crayon. I was using my finger, drawing on the side of a velvet chair, I was helping my mom cheat, she had to draw a picture of what her house and family looked like. I was six years old. I was six years old, the first time a dr. Took me in a room and told me someday my mommy would get sick and not get better, she would have to stay in a hospital, he asked if I understood, I nodded and he left.
Some part of you hardens, some part adapts, but a big part of you hurts, and gets scared, like a revisitation to that six year old boy, trying to be strong.
She's sick again, second time this year, why so frequent? What will they choose to call it this time? Manic depression, graves disease, thyroid problems, dehydration, low potassium, it's been misdiagnosed plenty. Manic depression was it's name for years, I've met manic depressives, now called bi polar disorder, they are moody, extremely so in cases, this is beyond moody. This is mania, dementia, some doctors have dared to mention psychosis.
I've lost my own children twice, and while she is not directly to blame, it's definately a factor.
Imagine for a minute, not only losing your mother for a couple weeks a year, but not knowing who she was going to be when she returned, she was always different, not always worse, just different tendencies, different ways of talking, and carrying herself.
In every instance, taking her to a psych unit was the final step, but we knew when when it was over she would return, and everything would be alright, at least for another year.
This year has been different. This year she only made it eight months before being hospitalized again, they actually kept her longer than the 72hr hold that has been the norm the past few years. When she returned home about five days ago, we suspected things weren't quite over yet, she has been digressing quickly back into the same state she was in before she went in. What is the next step? If the hospital and medication don't help, where do you turn?
I'm no stranger to mental instability, between drug addiction as a teenager, and several concussions, I understand what it's like to have things not quite fit back together, after each concussion I get frustrated, my spelling gets a bit worse. She doesn't seem to accept and attack her illness from a healthy standpoint though, she won't stay on medication, and she talks as if we just can't understand her, it's not her though.
I thought it took place before I was born, but last week found out I was an infant. My brother was nine, she was at home with us, he got scared because she had a pair of scissors behind her back, and was talking strange. That was the first time we know of, that she got sick. She has broken statues in catholic hospitals, thought she was Moses, talked of the bible, and even early America as if it were currently that time period. She talks in riddle, nonsense, things you can almost understand, but don't quite make sense. Things become a conspiracy.
Often stress and sleep abnormalities lead to her beginning to get sick, she checks out mentally If things get too hectic.
The family had to adapt over the years, for a long time we dealt with it when it came up, and acted like everything was normal when it was over. We tried a proactive approach attempting to talk openly about it, but part of you feels like you are betraying her to talk about it too much. Eventually each year it quiets, passes, and we try to move on, but she stops her medication and slips again. These days we still try to be proactive but it doesn't seem to help.

Find your way home.

Written 824 days ago, I barely remember writing it, unthinkable I was on one of my long late night walks:

Through the looking glass
You couldnt find your way home
Its not where you lay your head
But with whom you roam

Pick up the glass and you will see
What life could offer when lived with me
The distorted refractions of light shown through bright
A new reality
the old one dissapears from sight.

The browography of Lucid S. Darqly

Loss of emotion, it seems a dark subject. Through time you learn to deal with numbness or find some way to move on. Some people take things for granted, I was born mostly of Indian heritage, and grew to be somewhat hairy. But at a young age I noticed I was different from other children. While hair seemed in abundance all over my body, it seemed to have missed the mark in a few critical areas. While my sideburns were oddly flourishing, and my goatee a thing to be admired... There was something wrong. Above my eyes, and well below my hairline, was a sad and lonely void, what most people call a brow or forehead, was devoid of any hair whatsoever.
You may stop here, and think, "so what? A child with no eyebrows." but we must look deeper, delve into the very soul of a man, to understand body language, my emotions were lost on people. Even experimental facial recognition software fails to work on me. At the age of 9 my parents decided I would need glasses, I wear them to this day, not to correct my vision but to mask the deformation. Step back and imagine how it feels to not correctly display shock, curiousity or even flirt. This led me to feel ostrisized by the other children, I did learn how to strengthen my other facial features to compensate, I could flex my ears in ways to tilt or raise my glasses to insinuate gesture. Eye doctors experimented with radical ideas, starting simple, placing hair from midwestern hare, a common rabbit, on the top of my glasses frames. This proved to be less than satisfactory, as every time I had to clean my lenses, someone would scream. Next was radical surgery to attempt to remove my sideburns, and stich them to my brow, this proved a faulty process as my brow rejected the hair, every morning I woke to hairloss, until I was back to square one. Finally for years, i dealt with acceptance, living in an emotionless world, I couldn't tell jokes, love was always out of reach, because women believed I just didn't care. As i felt more of an outcast I lashed out. Tattoos, and dreadlocks, I turned myself into a monster, because I already felt I was. Finally one day I realized maybe I can compensate in some way... Cosmetic tattooing is somewhat of an under appreciated artform, but I learned i could easily tattoo eyebrows on.
So the day finally came, I made an appointment with a talented artist. He looked over my face, took measurements and did several stencils before realizing the placement was nearly impossible through traditional means. Time to go back to radical ideas. I head read about a rare practice some poor souls underwent that could not grow moustaches. The fingers were the answer. Thus far I have undergone two lengthy sessions, and will probably need two more for full prosthetic eyebrows. I has to hire a fulltime in home rehabilitation specialist to teach me exactly when to reach up and how to angle my fingers to properly convey the emotion I needed. I still struggle regularly, forgetting when I'm holding something in one hand, I end up unibrow, which usually frightens off potential friends. I was lucky enough to date a girl for a while, that had an odd eyebrow fetish, she would lick the stumps on my face while I stuck my prosthetics places no gentleman should ever mention.
If this was enjoyable, you may want to read on. There have been several stories over the years I've been forced to make up, just to hide my true pain. Here are a few.
The first ever was that I was so moved by Pink Floyd's the wall, I decided to emulate his life. The next was hearing Marilyn Manson say on povitch "kids shave off your eyebrows, and kill your parents"
When aggrevated I'd simply say I lost them in the war, to which I'd always get the same reply "what war? You don't look old enough for any of the major ones" really? Pathetic that was supposed to be my way of saying fuck off, instead they question it further. Just last night I told someone I had a kind viatnamese woman who works downtown, she only charges me .50 an eyebrow to have them waxed. Saying I like the sting of sweat in my eyes when I jog.
When I'm feeling frisky I tell stories of waking to find a note on my pillow. "dear face, we aplogize, but we have left you for a face with more emotion, please don't call,let us find true happiness" rumor has it they joined with hasselhoff and were never seen again.
Another I randomly told, I awoke to find I was covered in blood, I freaked and rushed to the hospital. Upon getting cleaned up, the nurses saw that I wasn't injured, but I was missing my beloved eyebrows. A few hours into the police search my left eyebrow was found crudely shoved in the garbage disposal, and the right couldn't be found. After over three months, FBI found the right eyebrow hiding out in Mexico on a Spanish mans lip, he blended almost perfectly. Upon questioning the only reasoning he gave, was a fit of jealousy, as when I was curious, I always only raised my left brow. He just didn't get enough attention, not to mention in my younger days I had peirced my left eyebrow, making the right feeling plain, all the other eyebrows never noticed him.
I can't convey the emotion(literally) of having to identify my limp eyebrow at the forensic salon, they actually had to take hair samples to be certain,then attend one eyebrows funeral, to turn around months later and have to identify my eyebrow in a lineup of potential hair based criminals, and to sit front row through court cases, and attending when they took out the death sentence.
Alot of men are judged by the job they have, earning a living by the sweat of their brow,but this would blind me in a manner of days, I've been forced to make up stories of severe anxiety, or work in the hvac ac installation field,or deep freezer butcher shops to avoid sweat.
Surely you can see this has been a hard road to travel, but with my new prosthetics I'm learning to cope even joining a group, HA, hairloss anonymous. Most of the other members have very different but empowering stories of their own.
In closing I'd like to remind everyone I'm actually typing this with my brow fingers, I'd give a general knowing glance, or some form of affirmation glance, but my fingers are too busy typing to complete the look.

So it's out there.

I guess people may actually be reading this now. It won't change how I share my thoughts. I'm eternally open about how I feel, I don't share these things with many people in person, because I assume they don't care.
Only a couple exceptions have been made, that I showed people this or that i opened up much about my feelings recently. Even of those two, one showed they didn't care, by giving up when I needed them most.
So here we are the writer and the reader, face to face in a way. I use my iPod usually to write here, so I can't comment on my posts, but I guess if you have anything to say about any of this there is a comment section.
Aside from that I'll not know you're ever here, and just continue writing everything. I skip over the good parts from time to time, but all the bad things make it here. Names won't be mentioned and people won't be affected... Other than me.
What you'll probably read over the next few days is very hard to write about. I didn't get to see my kids for summer, there were a few reasons for that, maybe I should get it off my chest already. I'm going to be forced to watch my mother break down, day by day, until she's sick enough to commit, that'll be a good read. I'm going to miss my own dr appointment because now I won't be able to afford it. Maybe I can document mental breakdown number 3(I wasn't blogging during the 1st one). Maybe I'll keep moving forward and find the strength to repair this broken man, maybe.

Creature

Something I wrote 473 days ago, attempted putting it to music but was never satisfied with the result:

She ,she comes from another place
A place that knows no sleep
She comes from the deep

I hear her calling me, her siren song
It's drawing me,and I know it won't be long.

The sounds hit my ears, and wash away my fears
Like a willing trip to hell, I've fallen for her spell
She's snared me in, has me in her grasp
Now fight for life, for air I have to gasp

All creatures of myth and legend
Are not fully based on deception
Some are founded in on our reality
This such creature is always haunting me

This is not just the sirens befalling
It seems to be every womans calling
Once They have lured you in
Youre Never to be heard from again

Signing off.

This is me giving in. This is me giving up.
After all I went through in July, and after the initial meltdown I was stronger than ever, but now I'm done.
The harder I try, the more the universe screws me over. Now I have to deal with my mothers mental illness again, and the very real possibility of becoming homeless. She gambled away her entire paycheck, didn't pay bills and didn't refill her medications. Our lease is up in a few weeks, and we were supposed to move. Within a few days she will probably spiral down until the point of being committed for the second time this year. Her job gets less tolerant of it everytime and doesn't really understand the full situation.
After deaths, divorce, loss of children, attempted suicide, loss of love and a meltdown in July. This is what gets me. Signing off.

A return to me

Obviously I've had a great week, or you would have heard about it here. I still feel the need however to fill you in. I've been approached about 3 new music projects that garner my interest, and a couple others that just sound fun to tinker with.
I have two photoshoots booked this week, and my ex wants to get back into booking me shoots for profit, hard to say no to cash from time to time.
I guess the main reason I feel the need to write tonight, is because the stronger I grow, and the better I feel, the more lonely I become. I sat at a dear friends birthday party last night, and as girl after girl approached me, I couldn't even pretend to be interested. One person has a monopoly on my thoughts, and I fear on my heart. It should be a joyous occasion that I actually like someone, but it seems to be unrequited. I'm not sure what to do with that, but I am certain that if I can't have her, I won't settle this time. I'd rather be lonely and work too much to keep my thoughts at bay, than be with someone I don't want to be with merely because they want me. I can't even remember the last time I had a crush on someone, I always get chased. At least there is some peace in knowing I won't do something foolish with someone I don't care for, I just wish I knew how she felt, I know at one point she liked me, and I was honest that I have feelings for her.
I return to my work, healthier than I've been in years, and more confused than I've been in years... Ahh the joys of life.

Just a day.

Spent half the day watching photography tutorials... Always important to keep learning new techniques. Excited about our video projects, now that we are working with a new cameraman, his camera actually detects my bluescreen good enough that we can use chroma key. Bluescreen opens up a world of possibility.
Starting to get some direction on a spoken word piece I'm writing music for, once that's done it'll be a video, so I'm trying to conceptualize where to take the footage.
My increase in exercise is starting to speed up my metabolism which is good, but it's also increasing my appetite. If I had something more important to say about my personal life, I wouldve put it right there. It's actually calming to feel my life calm down.
Skipped out on movie night with the people we will be filming with, but I wish I wouldve went, I thought it'd be a few people crammed in an apartment... Apparently it was 25 people in a reserved theater. Lesson learned, I won't be skipping movie night again.

Well obviously

Things must be going good, or I'd be blogging everyday.
I've started work on several new projects, some music, video and photography work.
Writing music and video for a poetry piece, working on short episodes of a new series. I've been approached about two new music projects, and I'm going to start hanging out with some old friends, and just plugging in and playing... A nice break from the studio work, just music for the sake of music. Quite a few people are getting the itch for new photography too.
My personal life is in a bit of an odd place, but I think I like things the way they are. If I can't have exactly what I want, I'd rather things be exactly how they are now.
I have a follow up dr appointment, still unsure how that's going to work out, but I've been forcing myself to be more social, I've gone out four days this week, and I'm supposed to go to a party tommorow. I've seen so many old friends this week, and I've been productive. Life gets better.

The promise of better things

I've started slowly reighning my life back in, but it proves hard. I had a shoot yesterday, the first one in a while. After the shoot we BBQ and watched movies, a few people came over... But everyone was too quiet, I'm used to having a way to curb my anxiety, but I wasn't going to drink. So I ended up being reclusive and eventually went off on my own... Felt like once I was done with photography and cooking, I didn't have anything to offer anyone.
I'm lonely, this is the 1st time in 12 years I've actually been single... I've spent a few months here and there single, but technically i was still married, just permanently seperated. I just miss human interaction... I miss love, I miss my kids.
Two days until the doctor. I know this first visit won't help much, but it's a giant step. I should be driving again and doing normal things very soon.

Just another day

I'm happy to report that I finally slept! Off and on for several hours, but I think it added up. Woke up, and pretty much went straight to working on some old photography I have around. Once I have about 8 images ready I'll start uploading them to the usual outlets.
I did feel moody today which is odd for me, even if I feel off, I know it's for no reason, so I keep it in check... But today small things were aggrevating me for some reason. But with the sleep issues, I'm sure it's natural. I ate today too, go me... Maybe too much, but when you have barely eaten for two weeks, that's probably natural too.
All in all it was a positive day, got some sleep finally, some grub, and got back to work on things.
Oooohh and I ordered something, super secret! The order process was simple, but screwy... I didn't use all the money off a certificate, but then they charged me for 1-3 day shipping, then I read in the email they send me that the order won't ship for 7-14 days... What's the point of express shipping(there was no free option) when the item won't ship for two friggin weeks... Ok rant over.

And we're back

Had some trouble dealing with the loss of yet another friend, it's more that it's just mixed into and stirring all the other emotions I'm choking down in massive doses.
I'm doing some things I'm not ready to share here, to better my life, steps most people don't bother taking when shedding their old skin. I've never been in AA(maybe I shouldve), but I imagine this is what their 12 steps must feel like. Facing the demons of my past, I'm coming to be at peace with them.
Found out I have a shoot this weekend, I still have one to process too, I've had a couple of lucid days that I've been productive, but all in all the creativity has been stifled by my personal life, something I won't let happen again once this process is complete. I have pretty clear goals unwanted to obtain, and have started realistic paths to achieve them. I am really killing the parts of me I don't like.

Take a breath, now continue mourning.

Christopher Reese died last night, I still don't know how. It haunts me to know that I'm probably the last person to photograph him alive, at another friend, Jon Wallace funeral service just a few weeks ago. I had tears in my eyes as I quickly edited the picture to get it online for his loved ones.
I wish life would calm down a little bit, I'm trying to fix what's broken in me, but it's hard with all of this loss. The last two weeks have left me with a raw open wound, and I can't eat, or sleep... Just 4 days until I see a doctor, but now I'm wondering what else I can lose in 4 days.

I'm on my iPod right now, when I'm on a pc I'll post a picture here to remember yet another fallen friend.

Doo doo doo I like tacos

I just got to email my kids! I found out they both have email addresses, what a great new way to keep in touch with them.
Switched out the bulky horseshoes I had in my newly pierced snakebites for some smaller (in diameter not gauge) hoops, they fit tighter and I don't feel like metal mouth anymore, feels natural. Can't wait to finish the Job, and close my mouth for a few months... But doctor appointments make the priority for now... Over modification.
I've started to prep myself for the Tulsa trips, just want to be healthy in mind and body before being around suspension again, A.G.R.O. has a very different outlook on the art than pain tribe(not a conflict, just matters of practice,presentation), but the same appeal of course. I will probably just sit in on the first couple sessions and photograph/ get to know the people I will work with. Pain tribe is my family, and I miss them, I just want to have a bond with the people doing the work, Colby was family long before he ever took a needle to me. People seek suspension for different reasons, but personally it has to do with spiritual growth and the minds power over the body. I go into similar thought cycles even when I'm getting tattoos. Pain enduced enlightenment.

A new chapter begins

I haven't posted in a few days, in that time period I've had some great experiences. Although I'm still struggling with my anxiety, gone are the dark clouds that were looming constantly overhead.
For the first time ever I'm tempted to go back and censor what Ive written. I'll leave it for now, but the hard times of last week, leave me with hope this week. What I went through is real, but even I don't want to go back and read that, I feel ashamed by how out of sync my life had become.
A few friends kind words, and stories that related to mine, have left me in a better place than I started, I won't name any names as per usual, but these individuals helped me through something they don't even understand... Especially one certain heroic person that seemed to put a smile on my face everyday****
even as more bad news poured in, it has barely seemed to hinder my desire to be a better person and fix what's broken in my life. Yesterday marked the end of my marriage, we had been seperated for several years, so I knew it was coming. The divorce proceedings went on without my knowledge, as my children were visiting. I could ellaborate more on this topic, it did leave me with somewhat of a raw nerve, and a feeling that a few bad things will occur soon, but overall I feel a giant weight lifted off of me, to be untangled from an estranged marriage.
I've been taking better care of myself, and it's only 6 days now until I see a dr. I pray they will see the need I have for treatment, and not just judge me based off appearance.
Speaking of... I may some changes to my appearance, I really want to reflect my inner growth with obvious outer change. I haven't decided on anything yet... Going to change my wardrobe, and possibly my hair. I've decided to get my lisence back, even if my brother uses my car most of the time, it'll be healthy for me to be able to leave when I want.
Sleep is still a factor, I can't seem to rest more than 2 hours a day, but I've been trying to just except it and move on, using the time to exercise or something instead. It's hard to be productive while sleep deprived, but I can at least try to be active some. I've started cleaning my room, I basically haven't lived here for several months, and ven lived with a tour mentality before that. It's nice to not live from a bag for a while.
I will be touring some though, I still plan to make my yearly trip to New Orleans this year, and now I'm scheduling monthly trips to "hang" with A.G.R.O. Suspension group.
As soon as a bit of sleep comes, I am starting back scheduling shoots, and winding back up on the production of xXRx and the brothers darqly albums... Blah blah blah, like i say, I only write in here when I'm upset... So, I have better things to do right now.

Ohgr.

I had typed a big story and then IE pooped on me, so nevermind, enjoy.

hmm i'm on an actual computer

I can post something no one will understand... *
Well one person will understand soon,silly things I made out of an abstract conversation. I was sleep deprived when I decided to go through with the whole process of reconstructing the conversation... Only one more star to earn :)

I'm back

Tempted for the first time in a long time to delete something I wrote, this week was hell but I came out of it.
Honestly in retrospect I was slipping for a few weeks there, and it was no ones fault but mine.
I won't delete what I went through because it's true to how I felt at the time, I don't believe in censorship I'm not going to remove a mistake from my life. I was stupid, I got weak.
What's important is that I'm back feeling stronger than before, really looking at twisting my perspective on my career, and I'd be doing something really cool right now if it hadn't rained... But oh well, there's always tommorow, what are your plans?

Ahhh

A couple hours of sleep make everything melt a lot less. Yeah that was officially a documented mental meltdown. Feeling a lot better. Starting to devise art projects to keep me busy for a while.

While I'm on topic

This is good too, never liked it much until I tuned into the chorus: nin- beautiful nightmare



The Chorus Lyrics:
And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
And this is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'd give anything
I'd give anything

Exactly where I am in my head

The lyrics to nin- right where it belongs



"Right Where It Belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

Mental illness

Has always plauged my family, but on a personal level I've never let myself fall apart this bad. But I feel like I need to feel it and endure, but I'm breaking. My ears are ringing, so I'm listening to music, but that's messing with my breathing and heartbeat. I'm shaking.

How do people sit back and watch others get like this? At the same time, an immediate family member is similar, and I've grown to watch, until it reaches a dangerous breaking point. It makes me feel sad that I, nor anyone else really stops to address it with her, and it's been 30 years or more for her. I don't want to get to the point that I'm degenerative.
I'm scared.

My dr appointment is two weeks away, and I'm dangling by a thread. One thing, anything, would send me over the edge I fear.

Ok maybe

I feel a bit like a freak for being so public about my personal life. I guess if it's going to end up being talked about... I might as well be the one to put it out there. If I could just sleep I'd feel so much better. Anyways, blah blah blah, I do feel like things will get better, no matter what, welcome to the meltdown :)

I ate kinda finally, and I'm trying to get back to being productive, I have old work lying around to mess with tommorow,just really want some sleep. I'm trying to stay positive, just lots of things around that remind me what I'm missing.

I keep thinking about breaking out my odd lenses and shooting some outdoor stuff... Had a few fun ideas, I just don't want to get aggrevated if I can't get in the right headspace to be creative. Wishing I was more musically driven currently, that's an easier place to take out frustration.

Gather around the iPod light

It's storytime kids. I'll try to keep this one light hearted.
It's a story about a girl, I met her about 17 years ago, that's right I'm an old one. But I think the lesson still applies. I met her at a party, somewhat briefly, she was with her friend, I was young, tried to hide my shyness but even that night I noticed her stealing glances. Now I'm not even sure if she knows I know about this part, but a few days later someone read me something from her, asking who I was.
The years passed quickly as they always do, we were good friends, but I put that memory away... Assuming it was just a passing curiousity. Sometimes boys can be dim, and not pay attention to signs. As we both grew professionally our paths crossed more often, we were good friends,as if there was never a point we didn't know everything about the others life. I began working with her on projects more and more frequently... One night she had a big show, and we were there celebrating the anniversary of our website, but I was photographing her show as well.
I had noticed sometimes it seemed like she was flirting, but passed it off as friendly, but that night, I went to say goodnight and congratulate her on her show, i gave her a hug,when I went to kiss her on the cheek, she turned her head, and our lips met. Just a stolen peck, very innocent, but it sent my mind reeling over the years to find traces of how she might feel.
It took a few weeks, and I kept inviting her to things, making excuses to be around her more. It took some patience, but on a special evening I asked her to share birthday celebrations with, as they are less than two weeks apart. During this time I was sitting back realizing how proud I was, that she was doing well, and was happy with her life. That night started what over the next two weeks became an obvious miracle. Stupid boy realized someone special had always been there.
The next four months they were always together, but took time because they had both been hurt so many times. There were hard times, but usually it was something small, or something they couldnt control, and always did well at making up, and forgiving. Toward the end of the four months "I love you" snuck out, more and more often. I was trying hard to figure out something special to do, to officially ask her to be my girlfriend.

That's where my story ends, I promised to keep it light hearted, and stupid boy, did something stupid to wonderful girl.
Now put out the iPod light and get some sleep kids... Maybe someday I'll get to tell you the rest, but it gets scary for a minute.

Oh I forgot.

That was my 50th blog... Yay! *confetti*
I swear the mood will lighten in here soon, I only write when I'm down, when I'm happy, I'm too busy being happy to stop and write. I need to change that, I can have an insightful thought from time to time.

I don't like it here, it smells funny

12hrs laying in bed shaking crying, can't eat. I'm sorry, I'm better than this, but can't fix me. Holding it in to tell a doctor soon, but not soon enough. I was ok for a few hrs this morning,I shouldve eaten while I could. 5 days, half a piece of chicken.
If I start talking to a person at some point, it's because I have so much I want to tell them, but can't hurt them,so I take it out here, in my pretend, odd blog that I don't tell anyone about, but I don't hide it either. This is my life folks... I can't make this shit up.

We're entering bat country

Soooo those lines and shapes i see when I close my eyes... Those are my brain saying "time to sleep", so I sit and watch them until I see Elroy from the jetsons. Scary.
One more blog and I hit 50 whoo!

Side note: would my own brains thought need quotation marks? It's important things like this that keep me awake.

I don't even know

This is me unloading because once again, I can't sleep.
My life has been absolute turmoil and as the dust settles I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking half the time. I'm getting my shit together though and quickly, it just hurts sometimes when change comes so fast.
I fucked up really bad Friday, I drank too much, yelled at my brother, stole my own car, sent bad txt, hurt peoples feelings, and attempted suicide. All the things I never do. So, no more booze, really. I've got an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist, so maybe the worst thing I've done in a long time will swing my "normal" life back on track. I'm just my own worst critic, and to hurt people you love and have no way to fix it, is a horrible thing. I don't screw things up, I'm famously the one being hurt, not the one doing the hurting. Head trauma and booze are a scary mixture, it was like watching what I was doing, but not even wanting to do it, some dark side crawled out and took over, and wrecked some precious relationships.
Meanwhile, back on earth, I've been tattooed, pierced, burned, and lasered all month long... I think that's a good thing though...sore but content. Photography has proven to be a worthwhile endeavor as I seem to find myself in interesting places shooting interesting things, and even getting paid or paid in trade for my services.
On the music side of things, I was somewhat unnofficially asked to perform at the Land of Nod, which would be a 3 day festival of acts like rasputina, murder by death, the eagles of death metal, dj proppa bear, members of public enemy. The coolest thing I've been asked to do in a while, free ride, I'd get to hang out with my Nola friends, and was offered to move to Nola after the festival,even timed so I wouldn't miss a couple deviants too much while they party in la... You hear it here first though, I'm turning it down, it's the craziest sane thing I've ever done, but I'm getting in therapy, staying sober, and getting my shit together... I don't need 8,000 screaming reasons to do things I'll regret right now. Mr. Rockstar, pain fetishist is going to work more from the home studio, and wait to get a little stronger in my coping skills.
So the divorce, I don't know where that went, I got served papers I can't bring myself to read, it's too hard when parents really want what's best for kids. I'm actually a great dad, it's only been a couple years since 90% of the type of things you read above were put away completely so I could wake up, make breakfast and lunch, send the shorties off to school, go to my 8-3 job, so I could be home to unload kids, cook them dinner,homework,baths,jammies,bed.
Guess what? I'd trade any of this life for that again in a heartbeat. I miss my kids, and a part of me lost hope when I didn't get to play superdad anymore.
Good god this is long, are you bored yet?I'm sleep deprived, can't eat, and crying, but we can get through this, let's see where it takes us.
Amazing thing after amazing thing happened until, suddenly it seemed everyone was getting sick, upset, or passing away. I've never had to shoot a funeral and while I hope I did it justice and respect, I hope I don't have to shoot another... Let's take care of ourselves and each other. It went from good to blah to bad so fast, my relationship had no chance. By the time I was ready to admit I loved her, there was so much external noise getting in the way, my Friday binge of stupidity cost me something I didn't want to lose. Love hurts really bad when you want to yell it from the rooftops, and don't care who knows it, but there's no one there to hear it anymore.
Lessons learned, and I'm a mess of emotions, I actually woke up happy late last night, worked, exercised, even played basketball(after all that, this is where I'm losing you) now I'm lying in my bed alone, and very very sad. I am determined to fix the project that is me though, so bring on the shrinks, science, hard work, and no booze make tom sane.
I'm getting back to the place I want to be, with myself, even if it's not the place I thought I wanted to be. Take lifes shit and make fertilizer, plant some seeds of responsibility and make roses. I suck at gardening but I'll get through it. Ok that's about enough bad metaphores for one blog, I only left out a couple hundred things that have transpired recently, but we'll get to that later.

When to trust your gut.

When it hasn't eaten in three days. When it tells you something is wrong in your life. When it questions new avenues of life.
All I can do is see how the next few days play out and hope it gives me wisdom to make the right choice. I know what I want, but I don't know what the best choice for others is. There's not a lot of time to figure it out either. Both paths could lead to happiness or ruin... I think I'll be ok either way though

Something new

Like a Phoenix rises from the ashes, I've endured a few days of hell to have some interesting propositions. This could change my life for some time to come. Hopefully for the better, but at least it won't be this. I have a lot going on here, but may be forced to aim my sights on different goals, obviously by my last few entries I've been less than pleased with my life lately.

Life or something like it

I attempted suicide last night, I wasn't very successful or I wouldn't be typing this. I'm tired, I'm pretty sure I'll never see my kids again and I've done my best to sever ties with my family. Anything good in my life is outweighed by the neverending anxiety and pain I feel everyday.
I know I'm a talented person, and I'm smart enough to know how stupid suicide is, but what's left in this word for me? Even those that get close, tire quickly of me. Please just let this pain stop. Doctors won't give me the time to listen to how I feel, and mo one cares enough to seek help. I am stuck in my own hell and only know one way out.

At the same time

I've been harder on myself than anyone is. I think it's more odd to have people talk about my work to each other, and yet they don't say much to me. But with getting contracted to shoot commercials(frame by frame, my favorite way) shooting artists for their cards, and doing promo work for talented musicians... I question myself more now, than I ever have. I want to be moved emotionally again, take a feverish interest in a project... Not since I shot a damn broken down piano have I gotten so carried away in just making art.

For the masses

Who am I to say that what I make is art? I've all but stopped visually marking my photographs(some cases I do use metadata) partially because the shoots have been funded by others, and therefore I feel it inappropriate to mark it as just mine, or because several people were on set, and always get credited thusly.
I think even in my intimate, private art I may not stamp across it... It's just what my "eye" sees, or my hands assemble, if someone else isn't funding the project, then I guess it doesn't belong anywhere... I can take 500 images in a day easily, or I can get depressed and not let my creativity flow for weeks at a time... I question myself more than anyone does. Some love. Some hate. I just go through the motions... Finding a reason to breath day to day. Don't even get me started on the music writing lately, just a brutal process.

Time to

Get really fucked up, look back at my life, and attempt to make art.

Sadly

Well first off I haven't written in a while... But I've been brought to tears watching the Courtney love behind the music... Reliving the death of Kurt cobain...
I think I may actually get a memorial tattoo, since I have recently acquired deals with artists, I'm sure Tony from eternal could do a great portrait

A whole new life

I'm happy, productive, and I've enjoyed the company of someone wonderful. I think I love her. The past few weeks have been amazing, professionally and personally. I'll elaborate more soon kiddos :)

Busy busy busy

Don't think that ive forgotten about you, I've just been buried in work and haven't been home much, need to take a few days to get caught up on processing shoots.
I've been to Tulsa twice for shows, doing photography for siva,chemlab,16volt and left spine down.
I did a promo shoot for a solo project for a member of scum of the earth, and ex member of prong and rob zombie...
Busy currently shooting a commercial for eternal tattoo, and doing promo/business card photography for a new tattoo artist at sacred. So I have days booked for free tattoos too:)
Getting a few experimental piercings done soon too, just for the fun, probably won't keep them long...
Did red carpet VIP for the winters bone screening last night at Campbell 16 with the paper dolls and Pompadours crew.
As soon as I'm done with the paid and promo work I'll return to processing recent shoots, and booking more, I have at least 9 people waiting to be shot

xXRx remixes celldweller

Go have a listen, leave a comment.
http://www.fixtremix.com/remix/v/the-best-its-gonna-get-celldweller-bigg-xxrx-mix-by-xxrx/1526/

Negativity at the Rob Zombie show

There was a very negative occurence that took place on May 7,2010 that I feel

needs to come to light.

I attended the Rob Zombie concert with my brother and his friend. We bought

tickets far in advance which came to be almost $50 a piece, we waited in line

like everyone else.

I met up with a few friends inside, waited for the show to begin, bought

nachos, everything was fine. I was standing talking to a friend close to the

stage, when I suddenly felt two arms wrap around me tightly and lift me off the

ground, I was spun around and halfway set down, as I tried to ask what was

going on and contain my composure, I looked to see two very heavyset men,

leading me out into the hall, and refusing to say anything the entire time,

then straight out the door past the steps all the way to the sidewalk. They

released their grasp, turned and walked off. I turned to two employees standing

right there and asked what happened. They replied they didn't know and didn't

care, and told me to leave.

This was witnessed by several people, including clients of mine, because I am a

professional photographer,webmaster and professional musician. This was clearly

a case of mistaken identity(I don't know how they could mistake my identity, I

stand out in a crowd), or someone lied to the staff and got me thrown out. I

was doing nothing but enjoying the show.

I have photographed the bruise they left on my arm, I didn't notice it, only

that my arm was sore,this is after 4 days, it still looks this bad.


I'm not exactly sure what to do about this, but I am going to plaster it on the

website I host and several other business related sites. I've been getting

email from clients asking what happened,because they saw everything. not only

was it a waste of money, embarrasing, and uncalled for, but it defamed

my character in front of several business partners and clients.

If I can't get answers from the Shrine mosque, or some type of apology or

refund, I will be contacting local media, and possibly persuing further action.

when some one is to be kicked out, they should at least deserve an answer as to

why, or a chance to explain. The bruising was uncalled for, I didn't resist,

merely tried to ask questions.

I would rather this be peacefully resolved, but I have a feeling they will blow

me off.

If anyone has further information about the evening please contact us:
darqpress@gmail.com

But on a lighter note

Going into the pre-planning, pre-production phase of the new xXRx album this week. The only thing we know right now, is that this will be very different from our other material, utilizing techniques, styles and instruments we haven't used in this project thus far. We were never fully formed when we started touring with the pain tribe, it didn't feel ready to us, so we wrote and went with it, and just let the path make itself obvious, that got us a long way(playing voodoo fest 08,the house of shock and getting a distribution deal with FiXT), but now we are ready to go back to our original vision, and make xXRx what it deserves to be. We hope you enjoy.

Trust issues

I get it now. I keep believing in the goodness of people, trusting that they will be different. It's never different.
This weekend I was put through hell, and why? Because someone else didn't trust me, but once the truth was made obvious... The damage was done. I don't even know all of the specifics, I just know I tend to do a lot better when I stay independent, and strong. The second I let someone past my barriers, they find a way to hurt or exploit me. I'm tired, I've been depressed all weekend, and the closer I come to being able to reconcile this situation, the less eager I am to mess with it at all. I never trust my instincts, I always blindly believe in the good of people.
I'm starting to believe there is no good left.

Illness induced blogging

In bed, too sick to get up and be productive... So I'm just going to blab about the last few days... After the miss muffet(my iPod tried to change muffet to midget) shoot, we had a couple more shoots Friday, I'm just too sick to try and get them edited. Sorry to those that have to be patient while I get over this flu. Had a small party at codys last night, lots of darqpress kids showed up.
Got all the updated celldweller remix files to omnihil, and hopefully we will have a submission in the next couple days... As xXRx.
Blah blah I'm mainly typing so I don't pay attention to how crumby I feel. Going to see rob zombie and Alice Cooper this weekend, and probably photographing the 16volt, chemlab, left spine down show in a couple weeks.

Worn thin

Gave into exhaustion after today's shoot. Am I wearing myself too thin? I will probably work myself until the anxiety wins, but I just can't deny these creative times, or I'll regret them when I don't have much work... I have a good 40 hours ahead just editing the last two shoots, hopefully before Fridays shoot... I hate getting backed up on editing.

Unloading my brain

Pretty productive week, I had two good pinup style shoots, and shot a bikini fashion show... At the end I had a bottle of baby powder dumped on me, and random messages written on my arms...
Sent off what I've done with the celldweller remix of "best it's gonna get"to omnihil to let him break it even more, before submitting. Began (slowly) working on the squarehead feat. Klayton remix of "idiot"...
Let's see, boring stuff, cut more cards, printed more flyers, sent off tshirt designs... Started tinkering with design work on three sites, and I have my eye on a perty radio trigger, the infrared just isn't cutting it.
Should be some more exciting things coming this week, but that's another entry altogether.
Yep I did stuff.

Now

With the positive said, thought I'd voice my opinion for just a second.
Why must my ex's drive me insane? I had a good night last night, hanging out with another photographer(we can get along when we try) and a friend since childhood. It was nice.
I awake today to psycho Twitter messages, and emails from two different people. The email I could handle, it was trying to be respectful, but divorce is hard when kids are involved.
The Twitter message was insane, accusing me of getting back together with my ex, just because I agreed to photograph her soon, and she is doing the makeup at the show tommorow. I can't try to get along with my ex's without othe ex's getting pissed?
I made the decision months ago to kill my personal life and focus on my professional... That just causes problems. I don't want a girlfriend right now, I can't see my kids, so why should I bother with shallow pleasantries? Just leave me be, I'm a nice guy, and haven't wronged anyone, accept your own shortcomings instead of passing the blame.
Last week was full of people getting too drunk and being mean too, for no reason. Currently there are about 4 people in my area code, I enjoy the company of... The rest live in other states and I miss them.
There I got it out there, and since no one reads this... It was therapy for me, if you do read it, I'm sure you stopped a couple poorly diagrammed paragraphs ago.

Tired but content

I had two great shoots this week, had another scheduled tommorow, but may postpone because we also have a fashion show to shoot. I don't want to half ass either one.
You can see the pics up on darqpress, deviantart, myspace, or flickr... www.maschinetraum.deviantart.com may be the easiest to find, unless you stalk us :)
There's always:
www.darqpress.com (it has a flickr feed, and a gallery section)
www.myspace.com/darqpress

And if you want to really stalk us check out:
www.myspace.com/xxrx
www.myspace.com/thebrothersdarqly

Blech

Yeah reading back through this, I'm a moody sommabitch lately... I was pushing myself too hard. Now, oddly, that things have slowed down I'm producing quality material, instead of feeling like I have to pump out material just to remind people I'm still alive.
After a quick attempt at regaining my social life, I remembered why I'm reclusive. It's well justified. So I'll just stay in my fortress unless commisioned for work, then I'll do my duty and return here for hours of editing. Solice in the silence. Other than missing my kids, life has actually been pretty amazing, so sorry if I sound negative. Climbing out of depression is hard, especially when you actually have a reason to be depressed. I am feeling better, getting my health, sanity and workflow back :)

Back online

Took almost a week to get back online, so I took a mini vacation... Bbqs,green fairies... Pretty fun. Now, back to work!!!

Poison

At some point the body turns, begins to feed off intoxicants. It needs something other than vitamins and protein to survive.
Maybe it's the caffeine, the tv, alcohol, or thc, "I only smoke when I drink" you tell yourself, but you drink all day.
Sunlight hurts, there's numbness in your hands, you bare the scars of years of abuse, on the outside and in. Was the extra cheese worth it? Did your supersize bring you comfort? Exercise, love, society, are all lost on this tongue.
Too much sleep, or insomnia. Calm the pain, or make it scream over all the other noise. Birds chirping, car alarms and ringtones. Infomercials. Pick your poison. Was the extra cheese worth it?

You will lose me.

I hide behind the knobs, these oscillators. I hide behind this lens, these lights. I hide behind this screen, these frames.
You will lose me in this time, in these measures. You will lose me in the apreture, the f-stop.
I get lost between the rgb, the spectrum. The lfo, the compression. I get lost between the geometry, pixels, and calculation.
I fine tune, until all is white, only the noise remains. I hide here, it's warmth envelopes me. #ffffff is where I hide. You can't find me, where I reside. Static, abberation, anomolies welcome.
You will lose me.

Finally

I can blab! FiXT magazine has been announced. Hopefully it'll launch this week. Should be fun.

Workload

So much work on new super secret project, most of today's work was scrapped in the end. But still a very cool project. At least I feel like part of the team now, and I'm up to speed on everything.
Photoshoot Tuesday, not fully planned yet, but it's getting there, looks like I have a model, now I just need to verify the location.
In my spare, (which is rare)time, I've been storyboarding a few shoot and video ideas, even started a new shortfilm... Wouldn't know what style to call it... 2d imagery animated in 3d space...hmm.
Music? Well I was working my ass off on the new celldweller remix, but I'm going to be sending the rest of it to omnihil,my other half of xXRx to finish up...until this new work is stable, I can't waste any time...

Sorry if I've ignored you.

Working on a super secret, huge project!
Time consuming, but great.

My fucking so called life

Yin and yang, karma...things few believe in. It's not that I believe in much more than the core concepts.
As a teenager I raised hell, I fucked up what I could, when I could.
Even as no one is reading this, I'm questioning why a myth about my life must preceed me. I was told earlier how my wife finally left me, because after years of cheating on her she got fed up. The truth, her substance abuse and lack of compassion, led me to realize if I had to raise my kids alone, I might as well kick her out, and raise them alone.
Yet I get judged. By misinformed people. She took my kids away, after a year of no contact I begged her to watch them so I could care for my ill mother... One of the last rimes I saw them. They were stolen, by a junkie and a liar. Yet I pay the price, if it must be spoken in literal terms,$30,000. As if I'd never had them. As if I didn't give up everything I loved to wake up every day and cook breakfast,packed lunch and work a job until they got off the bus.
Who cares? All I get is rumors, of a life I haven't even lived, and why? Honestly? Jealousy. I've accomplished more, even in my anxiety ridden home sheltered couple of years, than all these kids making "the scene". Believe whAt you want, my personal life has suffered to compensate for my professional life flourishing. But I don't even care about that, it came down to me keeping myself entertained, because I miss my kids so much. Monday was my birthday, I spent it with them,and it was wonderful. It may be the last time i ever see them. Bit o loved them,more than anything on this earth. The only reason I'm confiding here is because no one will ever read this. I'm sorry. I'm tired. I have so many obligations, very serious ones at this point, I just don't want to wake up tommorow.
I've lived a long wonderful, amazing life. I'm tired. I'm sorry, I love so many of you, but I get spit on everyday. Let the rumors live,way past the man, a few people will know the truth. Who cares?

New pics

Posted a ton up @
www.myspace.com/darqpress

And
www.myspace.com/xxrx

All old pics from the life of this guy...
Should be shooting some actual art and such this week, after I get a bit further into my recording sessions

Another day

Started serious work on celldwellers the best it's gonna get remix, laid down some guitars with Chad, just to get that project started...
Get to see my kids tommorow... I guess since it's officially past midnight, it's also my birthday.
Still a week of recording sessions, remixes, and photoshoots... Different week, same stuff.

Long day

Awoke to the lovely buzzing of my phone as per usual. Txt to remind I had one hour to be on location for the first of three shoots. Shit. So pack the lights, do a gear checklist and book it... Of course I had to send someone across town, because I forgot the release forms and the light trigger. Smooth... Shoots went well, too well... Free booze is nice, but damn... Limits. Ended up with a few interested musicians(getting the brother darqly album finished and planning shows, takes more than two guys though) back at the house... More booze followed. The rest, well, watched bad movies by my lonesome. It sucks being single. But it's by choice, it'll make me a stronger person and all that crap I tell myself, so I don't get into blah blah blah... Yeah I was tired of reading that too.

And then...

Nursing a cold... Supposed to celebrate multiple birthdays tonight, mine included... Guess I'll be having birthday part two as well... Doing it up casino style next week.
That is all.

Spoiler alert... I'm a big nerd

I won a gift certificate from lensbaby, for this interesting way of displaying art...
Soon I'll have my optic swaps... Plastic, single glass, and pinhole/zoneplate.
Ordering the macro kit tommorow. And soon getting a radio trigger for the new lights, the infrared trigger just doesn't have the range I want.

So, I'm watching where the wild things are.... Does anyone else notice the furpiles? Damn furries.

Ah Evan

Finally found a friend to confide in... For at least a pint.

If you're happy and productive clap your hands

What's that? No clapping?
It's just funny to me, I'm usually a nice, productive and fun person to be around... But for some reason my "friends" just don't seem to be around when I need to share a drink and my thoughts. Thanks guys, make sure to think of me for all of your photographic and musical needs.
I always regret being this painfully honest when I blog, but that's what it's here for.

Life is only understood backwards, but we have to live it forwards

I feel lost. I know so many other people out there, that attempt to reach out just like I do. I have a voice, something to contribute to mankind, but can I withstand the barrage of seemingly unrelated negativity that pours in every day? It seeps into my every pore, weighing me down. I have so many things to finish, projects collecting dust, while I scramble to rebuild an insignificant personal life. Friends? Love? I've been a punching bag long enough. I've been in my home almost nonstop for a year now, people actually thought I was not living here anymore, my head injuries make social interaction hard, and doctors assume that people that look like me are junkies. So no help there, as I force myself out I start to remember why the sanctity of my home is so comforting. People just don't care anymore. It's not like anyone will read this,if you've even read this far, youay have more issues than I do.
Is the answer through a lens, or a new musical project? Maybe it's just at the bottom of a bottle. Another tortured artist blah blah, who cares? The legacy is always worth more once the creator is gone.

The highs and lows

Life comes in waves, sometimes lulling us,into a relaxed state of mind, things are great, but then comes the next swell. Things start to go wrong, before you know it, you're lost at sea in a storm of hurt and pain.
The better my professional life becomes, the more disappointing my personal life is. When it comes to working, everyone seems pleased, when it comes to love and friendship, I just can't keep anyone satisfied. I've been toiling tirelessly to Improve the quality of my life, but it just gets met with more resistence.
I hate today.

Blah blah blah

I had some cancelled shoots this week, that gets a bit old,I did shoot a concert and did some Candid shots before the show... Think I'm just going to focus(hehe) on stop animation and recording the rest of the brothers darqly album for a few days. Should be ordering some new optics and filters for the new lens soon...
I've gotten some offers to help produce some music for a couple different groups, should be an interesting venture, and hey, it pays. Darqpress will be sponsoring a fashion show soon, and may even lend our talents to a line of clothing... Such interesting things we get approached about these days. Also expect concerts with "darqpress presents" in the title sometime this year.