Written 217 days ago, Jan 11th
(keep in mind it's not current, even though it's similar to what's happening now)

I remember drawing a simple square, with a triangle on top, with four people standing beside it a man, woman, and two boys. I wasn't drawing this with paper, nor was I using a pen, or crayon. I was using my finger, drawing on the side of a velvet chair, I was helping my mom cheat, she had to draw a picture of what her house and family looked like. I was six years old. I was six years old, the first time a dr. Took me in a room and told me someday my mommy would get sick and not get better, she would have to stay in a hospital, he asked if I understood, I nodded and he left.
Some part of you hardens, some part adapts, but a big part of you hurts, and gets scared, like a revisitation to that six year old boy, trying to be strong.
She's sick again, second time this year, why so frequent? What will they choose to call it this time? Manic depression, graves disease, thyroid problems, dehydration, low potassium, it's been misdiagnosed plenty. Manic depression was it's name for years, I've met manic depressives, now called bi polar disorder, they are moody, extremely so in cases, this is beyond moody. This is mania, dementia, some doctors have dared to mention psychosis.
I've lost my own children twice, and while she is not directly to blame, it's definately a factor.
Imagine for a minute, not only losing your mother for a couple weeks a year, but not knowing who she was going to be when she returned, she was always different, not always worse, just different tendencies, different ways of talking, and carrying herself.
In every instance, taking her to a psych unit was the final step, but we knew when when it was over she would return, and everything would be alright, at least for another year.
This year has been different. This year she only made it eight months before being hospitalized again, they actually kept her longer than the 72hr hold that has been the norm the past few years. When she returned home about five days ago, we suspected things weren't quite over yet, she has been digressing quickly back into the same state she was in before she went in. What is the next step? If the hospital and medication don't help, where do you turn?
I'm no stranger to mental instability, between drug addiction as a teenager, and several concussions, I understand what it's like to have things not quite fit back together, after each concussion I get frustrated, my spelling gets a bit worse. She doesn't seem to accept and attack her illness from a healthy standpoint though, she won't stay on medication, and she talks as if we just can't understand her, it's not her though.
I thought it took place before I was born, but last week found out I was an infant. My brother was nine, she was at home with us, he got scared because she had a pair of scissors behind her back, and was talking strange. That was the first time we know of, that she got sick. She has broken statues in catholic hospitals, thought she was Moses, talked of the bible, and even early America as if it were currently that time period. She talks in riddle, nonsense, things you can almost understand, but don't quite make sense. Things become a conspiracy.
Often stress and sleep abnormalities lead to her beginning to get sick, she checks out mentally If things get too hectic.
The family had to adapt over the years, for a long time we dealt with it when it came up, and acted like everything was normal when it was over. We tried a proactive approach attempting to talk openly about it, but part of you feels like you are betraying her to talk about it too much. Eventually each year it quiets, passes, and we try to move on, but she stops her medication and slips again. These days we still try to be proactive but it doesn't seem to help.