I don't even know

This is me unloading because once again, I can't sleep.
My life has been absolute turmoil and as the dust settles I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking half the time. I'm getting my shit together though and quickly, it just hurts sometimes when change comes so fast.
I fucked up really bad Friday, I drank too much, yelled at my brother, stole my own car, sent bad txt, hurt peoples feelings, and attempted suicide. All the things I never do. So, no more booze, really. I've got an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist, so maybe the worst thing I've done in a long time will swing my "normal" life back on track. I'm just my own worst critic, and to hurt people you love and have no way to fix it, is a horrible thing. I don't screw things up, I'm famously the one being hurt, not the one doing the hurting. Head trauma and booze are a scary mixture, it was like watching what I was doing, but not even wanting to do it, some dark side crawled out and took over, and wrecked some precious relationships.
Meanwhile, back on earth, I've been tattooed, pierced, burned, and lasered all month long... I think that's a good thing though...sore but content. Photography has proven to be a worthwhile endeavor as I seem to find myself in interesting places shooting interesting things, and even getting paid or paid in trade for my services.
On the music side of things, I was somewhat unnofficially asked to perform at the Land of Nod, which would be a 3 day festival of acts like rasputina, murder by death, the eagles of death metal, dj proppa bear, members of public enemy. The coolest thing I've been asked to do in a while, free ride, I'd get to hang out with my Nola friends, and was offered to move to Nola after the festival,even timed so I wouldn't miss a couple deviants too much while they party in la... You hear it here first though, I'm turning it down, it's the craziest sane thing I've ever done, but I'm getting in therapy, staying sober, and getting my shit together... I don't need 8,000 screaming reasons to do things I'll regret right now. Mr. Rockstar, pain fetishist is going to work more from the home studio, and wait to get a little stronger in my coping skills.
So the divorce, I don't know where that went, I got served papers I can't bring myself to read, it's too hard when parents really want what's best for kids. I'm actually a great dad, it's only been a couple years since 90% of the type of things you read above were put away completely so I could wake up, make breakfast and lunch, send the shorties off to school, go to my 8-3 job, so I could be home to unload kids, cook them dinner,homework,baths,jammies,bed.
Guess what? I'd trade any of this life for that again in a heartbeat. I miss my kids, and a part of me lost hope when I didn't get to play superdad anymore.
Good god this is long, are you bored yet?I'm sleep deprived, can't eat, and crying, but we can get through this, let's see where it takes us.
Amazing thing after amazing thing happened until, suddenly it seemed everyone was getting sick, upset, or passing away. I've never had to shoot a funeral and while I hope I did it justice and respect, I hope I don't have to shoot another... Let's take care of ourselves and each other. It went from good to blah to bad so fast, my relationship had no chance. By the time I was ready to admit I loved her, there was so much external noise getting in the way, my Friday binge of stupidity cost me something I didn't want to lose. Love hurts really bad when you want to yell it from the rooftops, and don't care who knows it, but there's no one there to hear it anymore.
Lessons learned, and I'm a mess of emotions, I actually woke up happy late last night, worked, exercised, even played basketball(after all that, this is where I'm losing you) now I'm lying in my bed alone, and very very sad. I am determined to fix the project that is me though, so bring on the shrinks, science, hard work, and no booze make tom sane.
I'm getting back to the place I want to be, with myself, even if it's not the place I thought I wanted to be. Take lifes shit and make fertilizer, plant some seeds of responsibility and make roses. I suck at gardening but I'll get through it. Ok that's about enough bad metaphores for one blog, I only left out a couple hundred things that have transpired recently, but we'll get to that later.