I've started to miss things that I never thought I would. You've reminded me that there is still decency among people. Even as silly or sexual as our conversations get, I see the goodness in you. You took the time to write out your living situation, just to make sure I understood and wasn't hurt by it. That speaks volumes for your character. Risking upsetting me, you said things you weren't sure I was ok with, which actually means you care. I care too, somehow I feel close to someone I just started talking to. I could describe things about you, that I really have no way of knowing.
I've been jaded, lately I've stayed away from people, women especially, unless I'm working. There was a point last night that I looked up and smiled, the living room was suddenly three girls and me, I was oblivious and just looked back down to talk to you. I didn't speak 5 simultaneous words to a female last night, granted everyone else was at an obnoxious level of drunk... It led to some good talks with a few people, but mostly I was trying to focus on you.
I digress, the warmth and the first touch, the electricity transferred from that first embrace. Honestly, and this is a bad thing, I'm a hopeless romantic, maybe not in some pre-pubescent sense, it's not like the usual idea of romanticism... I love the connection, two synced minds feel. Appreciating everything about someone. Hearing how they feel through the expression in their eyes. Cheesy, yeah, and given that our conversation started so sexually, I didn't really expect so much depth to form. I assumed we'd txt for a couple hours and then occasionally say hi.
I honestly appreciate what I've gotten to share, you wanted to know about things last night that some people close to me don't even know. I'm an open book, but people never read anymore. If you were to "research" me a bit more, you'd find things I'm not even sure I want found, but they hide in plain site.
Back to the original point. I was starting to feel almost sexist in my views, I spend the bigger part of everyday around two gay men, and have cut off a big part of who I am, last year was focused on what I am, not who. Revelations on a daily basis from the deprivation I invoked, but a hollow inside I denied.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not professing my love, I'm just saying you woke me up. The celibacy was after almost taking my life for all the wrong reasons. It's easy to get lost in someone else, you start making excuses why you can just put off the things that actually define you as who you are. I'm not perfect, not even the dirty towel perfect shines it's shoes with... But I'm passionate, and loyal, not just to loved ones, but to friends, beliefs and art. I barely count the stain that briefly tarnished my celibacy, so any emotions from that story can be saved, that was just crazy to begin with.
I guess I have to start explaining the particulars, smaller, very odd things that make me tick. On their own, small ideas, but left to explore, blossom into patterns in life. I'm meticulous in some aspects, dissecting things to know more, it's par for the course with anxiety, and considering I'm born from a mathematician and a nurse, I tend to weigh variables long before the outcome.
As I'm studying a few new spiritual ideas, and applying them to my own life, I start to understand something. I lose some people here, so you might start verifying that I'm mad right here. Numerology teaches of life cycles, which simply stated is charting ones past to navigate the likely recurrence in the future. At the time numerology wasn't even a focus, I was delving into Kabbalah and some fringe dream psychology at the time. I call what I've been toying with life cycles, but I focus on much smaller increments in time, and it causes me to step back and see the world as a whole hitting rewind every few days. People absolutely repeat the same life, over and over, good or bad,(usually bad) all the time.
*At this point I've paused to get a beverage and realized there's no way I'm sending this to your inbox, in the interest of science I'll keep writing as if addressed to you, and surely I'll post it where you can read what you want... So stream of thought continues.
I feel compelled to share that at that particular point of self evaluation, I was reading basic quantum mechanic theory and healing through dreams. I took a break from any notion of life's repetition and began some dream theories of my own:
•Using lucid dreams to explore feelings of social anxiety. Can I trigger and deal with feeling of anxiety in a dream to better cope with it's real world counterpart?
• Dream meditation, if we are struggling to meditate while awake, can we use our dream self to reach a plateau of peace faster?
There were sub-points I had to reach before I could even begin to explore those ideas. There were two other theories I had that ultimately got left behind to further focus on those two. I'm still considering returning to the others, that dealt with the akasha, higher self, and dream lovers.
The two of focus were quite successful, the first began with:
"Can I trigger anxiety in a dream?" Which was highly probable, yet scary, because it immediately forces you to ask, "can I calm these feeling inside the dream?", and "will I feel this anxiety if I'm forced to wake myself?"
I started small, a dream in which I'm in my house, upon realization it's a dream, through the usual idea of stability, I immediately left my dream home, I'd note here that the door was not compliant, and the idea of outside was anything but, until I expected outside to be on the other side of the door. I walked to my lawn, I purposefully exaggerated everything to force it to feel uncomfortable.
* this is where sadly I've aborted the original message I wanted to tell you, realizing just recalling these three ideas is somewhat important to me, and at some point could help others.
As feelings of anxiety started to swell, I immediately decided I had to ask myself a quick question. "can I detect the world and status if the real world body, without awakening?" the two are separate and feel completely cut off, until you ask yourself how your real world body feels, in my dream it got cold, I could sense the position I was laying in the bed, my body represented as a blue container, a hollow me, but I understood, my body was not in distress over the anxiety I was feeling in my dream. I'd point out this is a controlled environment, dreams can easily cause stress, where you awaken covered in sweat, breathing heavily, heart racing. Something about being lucid and causing the stress, made it alright for the body to continue resting.
Of my race begins, lucid dreams can be short, and I wanted to research all I could. I did things I could never do in waking life, called up stresses, even dream representations of people I don't see eye to eye with. Later that idea expanded into, " can I talk, apologize, and forgive a dream figure to better accept that person in waking life?"
I went through every stress I could think of, which eventually led me to realize I was having a lengthy lucid dream, upon my basic validation of this idea, I ended up at a beach, sunset, the ocean calling. I sat for a moment just appreciating dream sand. How amazing it felt on my feet and flowing through my hands. For a moment I made a handful swirl through the air in patterns, then because I'd already played extensively with mind/matter control in previous dreams... I ran to the water, not to swim, not even pausing at the point I'd have to, I merely walked under the sea. Lack of oxygen in water does not equate in a dream, unless you think it does. The ocean floor is as obtainable as anything, and the mind builds mysterious things down there, based on what it questions would be down there. Nothing from regular life presented itself there, the mind didn't suddenly throw in any above water idea, instead constantly tried to redraw ocean life. The general lack of knowledge on the subject, spawned some interesting evolving plant life and fish. Soon I awoke from that dream, confirming I could address real life anxieties in sleep to better cope in life. This answer came immediately with the adverse, "unless I'm lucid consecutively a few nights, do I want to cause stress in a lucid dream, the one place I'm usually free of it?" the very quick and easy answer was no. I now know that I can to some degree treat my anxiety in REM, but unless I'm just running out of better psychological and spiritual ideas... I don't want to deal with stress there.
Can I meditate in my dreams? This entire theory was based on the fact that waking life meditation is very hard for me to achieve, I'm aware of every noise, I itch, there's a song stuck in my head. I can utilize the base idea to relax, and I've delved into self hypnosis, but ultimately I am not capable of achieving a higher state of consciousness while awake.
Enter dream meditation, small steps. "do I need to take on a meditative pose, to meditate?", "can I meditate with the dream still around me, or do I need to melt it away?" those were decided and answered in rapid fire succession. The moment I reached lucidity, which by this evening I was learning a completely new technique, don't fall asleep, enter sleep. Seamlessly go from awake to dream lucidity without the need for dream cues. I was simy there and conscious, which caused me to be in my bed in my dreamworld, I exited my room, and started with how to meditate. I first tried seeing if I could will it without the lotus position, and knowingly the answer is yes, it would be possible, but it wasn't easy. So I just assumed the position, I levitated immediately, without clear intent, bonus. I closed my eyes... Weird, that's not something you do in a dream, ever. Instantly, what happened was alien and profound, behind my dream eyes was a void, after a few seconds I opened my dream eyes and the dream scene had faded from view, new territory... I've never read about this in any dream book. I decided to close my eyes, though it mattered little and soon the idea of eyelids basically vanished. The void and the awareness of self were there no matter. The point of most meditation, is to shut off, to reach a state of peace and rest. A dream is by nature these things, so the moment you decide you want it, you are meditating! That alone is huge, so advanced meditation? One of the biggest things you can ever achieve is the opening of chakra to reach nirvana. People can meditate their whole life and never achieve even attempting this. Since I'd been reading about it, I knew to visualize lights, only, in a dream... There's a damn light! My throat glowed green and calm, my forehead, palms, etc points of chakra appeared.
I began with the throat, it turned blue and then yellow and glowed brightly as it opened. I immediately skipped to the head, knowing in a dream, this was THE chakra, the idea of self, need for hands and arms is a waking idea, an afterthought in dream. The self is the mind, therefore the only chakra that matters. It changed just lime the throat although a warmth rushed over me, enveloped me, the lotus position gave way to falling back into a floating nothing, the sky appeared, so warm, and the experience caused to to lapse suddenly into a new dreamscape, lucidity intact and peace still with me. I awoke shortly after.
For a side point that dream material became huge.
The only other thing I'm going to mention here, is the idea of life cycles.
I'll finish this shortly... This is where I fell asleep finally.
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