The gravity.
It's how you know you've almost succeeded, yet fell short of the intended goal. It pulls so hard that you can't stand up anymore, you try, no matter how peaceful you feel, for some reason you struggle. I imagine the last thing you'd feel, consciously anyways, would be falling, through the floor, a slight spinning but not lot being drunk, just heavy. Why do we struggle? It was the state you were entering, on purpose. Just fall asleep, go in slumber, to stay forever in rest. No, we struggle, "if I can just stand up, I'll be ok. Go to the bathroom or outside for a minute, and take a few breaths." somehow, we manage to overcome the earths pull, to become biped once more. I, personally have had to spend a few minutes trying to exit a field. Somehow the gravity waited just long enough to let me talk my way out of being surrounded by cops. Hands on batons, asking if I was ok. Six by my count, but I wasn't looking behind myself. They were surrounding me, asking if I was going to hurt myself. No, I already had, now just go away before it kicks. They must have been busy, usually someone like me... I'm a prize, "we got one of the tattooed freaks off the streets." but no, they left. As I turned, to walk home, assuming I was lucky to not have new bracelets around my wrists. The kick, the ground, stomach, can't do a push up, from the back my neck was too heavy. From what I'd assume to be about six minutes I finally stood... Used gravities pull against it, leveraging just enough, to fall gracefully forward and catch myself before dropping, two and a half blocks. Swaying all over the road, no one was watching. By the time I had reached my door, I had driven off the beast I had called upon myself. It ravages, I have a specific blend, but everyone is different, mine is one of a few choice benzodiazepine, and some sangria. Taken in a small moderate dose, it blends to a delightful, relaxed state. In larger amounts, however it makes you very drowsy. In instances I've used other alcohols, the only worth mentioning is absinthe, it could get you there quickly as well. Never again whiskey, not for the intention, black out or violent, before even getting the desired state. Add some sleeping pills, you can feel yourself start to empty. It never comes. One of these days gravity will win, and I'll stay down. Until then, it's just something I hold inside, waiting. A few more sips, a couple more milligrams. I'm nothing more than a cautionary tale, waiting to be told. A shell waiting to be shed. Let me free from this coil, so I can wait to be joined, someday, by those I miss. This life, already lost it's purpose.