A whisper in my ear, a cold embrace. Something guides my thoughts, not a choice.

A glimmer of a moment, long since passed. A flash of something new, undiscovered, tomorrows forecast.
Toss and turn but can't shake the guest. If I fall asleep, I'll wake with it on my chest. The pressure burrows, to the hearts core. Haunted by a life unexplored.

The shadows down the hallway float and scatter, no light nor movement explains the pattern. It keeps you awake, to make it's presence more known. The thinner the veil, the more it is shown. It feeds off the weakness stored in a weary mind. Its stronger with illness, this friend of mine.

Stillness surrounds the vacant chill in my dim room. Hours pass as if a fragment of time collapsed. Intellect trades for insanity as the deprivation hums inside my ears. The chest pains, always the chest pains, shallow breathing, twitching legs. The candle went out hours ago, now just a distant light that creeps in underneath the door. Creaking in the hallway, curious tenants concerned, just shadows passing. Thinking about how to stop thinking, let it fall quiet, just long enough to reach slumber. Birds chirping, distant car doors, every sound amplified through the vibrations in my skull. To step outside? Confront the fear? Not till sleep, I wouldn't dare. I write, I ponder, at this early hour, my mind will wander, but I will not, lay completely still. Hands numb, mouth dry, eyes water. A thousand goals for today, not a single met. Maybe tomorrow, but that doesn't even fool me, so much to do, but no grasp on time. Wasting away, I somehow keep a positive mind. Things get better, this I know, even if it's a lie, it's the one distant light that creeps in underneath the door.

Time melts by,
with each waking moment spent
Panic attack, broken brain
Can't breath, cold sweat
Maybe I'm just paranoid
Unisom lost in my system
Still awake with this affliction
5 hours ago, 5 minutes went by
Now I'm just laying here, don't know why
Life passes by
Out my window the world moves on
This scratched record
plays the same old song
If there were an opposite to ok
I would be that
To put it eloquently
Not ok
Time melts by.

In my lifetime.

In my lifetime.
Mcnuggets
Cordless phones, car phones, cellular phones, smart phones
Cable television, high definition, plasma television, music television, reality television, stereoscopic television, on demand, streaming
Internet, high-speed, wifi, personal computers, laptops
War on drugs, war for drugs, drug wars, medicinal marijuana, but no social medicine
Plastic surgery, war on obesity, crossbred vegetables, hormone injected meat
Atkins, Hanson
Snowboarding, turntablism
Laser disc, DVD, blu-ray, 16bit, 32bit, 64bit, 128bit, 256bit megabyte, gigabyte
Aids, bird flu, mad cow
3d animation, virtual worlds
Stealth bombers, smart bombs, twin towers, Berlin wall
On star, serius xm, hybrid cars, car alarms, noise pollution, ozone
Email, txt, return to illiteracy
Social networks, chat rooms, free pornography for all
War on terror,Reagan, two bushes, Clinton sex scandal, African American president
Look at how far we've come, and yet how far we have to go. We've lost ourselves in the noise of everyday life. We can barely communicate because it's so easy to keep in touch. We don't relate, we're selfish, mindless drones.
With the freedom of information, we've grown stupid, we believe the lies.
Spoon fed, redneck, ebonic, spoiled Americans in debt to the whole world. World powers flipped upside down.
Prison systems overflow, a new depression era, anxiety pills, headed for a civil war.
In 30 years we've forgotten who our enemies are. Celebrate freedom, the right to choose, gun permits, did the holocaust even happen? Volkswagen nazi tanks, IBM counted Jews.
Prescription drugs claimed the king of pop, OJ's gloves didn't fit, Madonna expressed herself, lady gaga exposed herself.
Why do we care what happens to celebrities, when we don't know our neighbors names? We're all too consumed in our own lives, television, news, video games.

Telemarket, snooze button, diet pills, instant gratification, yet can you say you're truly happy?
Here we sit in the same room, staring at our phones, letting the whole world know how much fun we're having, but forgetting to look up. Never happy with where we are, too busy thinking about where we could be. Not enough money, but that's always true, a little more overtime, but still past due.
Catholic shame, Walmart must be to blame, monopoly isn't just a game.
Don't ask, don't tell, gay marriage is alright, as long as they keep it over there.
Broccoli was invented, who even knew? Our DNA has been changed from the things that we consume.

I can admit, a bit of a hypocrite, when this list is to point out the ironic nature of our lives, but I enjoy these things too.

Don't get upset with me, if this list doesn't seem complete. Certain parts may sound unfair, but you're just reading something that isn't there. The point of a list is to notice trends, the very nature of this may offend.

Behold the power of conversation

People don't seem to understand why I'm not very sexually aggressive anymore. When I try to explain, it's either met with opposition or disbelief.

I enjoy conversation, it's great when I can sit and talk at length with a female I find attractive, but brain matter knows no gender.

Often it's thought snobbish to make a statement like that, but understand; it need not be a weighted topic like quantum physics or synthesis mapping. I had a twenty minute conversation with five people about thumbs yesterday, in it's own abstract way it was enlightening.

Nothing is sexier on someone than a great perspective. You probably won't change my views on a topic, but I love it when you try, and a fresh way of looking at a stale topic, often leads to new ideas.

Between constant sleep deprivation, and several head injuries, I respect what I can still manage to hold onto. Everyone should yearn for knowledge, seek out topics askew from what you are learning about, just to bring that knowledge back into what you are currently working on. I read or delve into subjects that travel far off the path I'm trying to reach, but it makes for a more robust journey.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm leading this, but it's just refreshing to attempt an explanation of why I don't react the way most would in social situations. While others may flock to obvious groups of people, I may tend to quietly watch, or seek out the one person in the room that can talk about depth of field, color coding, and zombie films all at once.
I'm tired of typing now.

Originally written June 24th

Lonely, sad, anxious, afraid to open up to the world and risk being hurt again. Think you're the only one that feels this way? Sadly part of this condition is making you feel you're The only person on the planet that suffers. In reality so many of us hurt, and rather than reach out to each other, we shell up, internalize, turn to alcohol, drugs, or sleep too much, or never sleep at all. We convince ourselves we're hated by everyone and that society is better off without us.
Usually overly critical people are very intelligent, they've just suffered hardships that make life seem unrelatable.
I seldom leave my house, sleep alone every night, have panic attacks constantly. I know there are others that live this life too. I'm here for you, as I slowly learn to cope and stay positive, I see more and more people that need help, but sometimes don't recognize a friend when they see it. Life doesn't have to be so hard. I'm here.

Updates

I've been writing on Facebook and ignoring my blog, but I always end up back here... I'm going to transfer what I've written there over here, so expect a flood of writing. Much of it is contextual to how I felt at the time, it doesn't apply to where I'm at currently.