When the same four walls that saw the birth of so much creativity become a tomb for my illness, I could SCREAM, but it wouldn't matter.
As far as anti-social agoraphobes go, I'm living the life. Holed up in a remote part of nothing, some days... Like this day, it enflames so much, I can't leave my room, much less the house.
I'm pretty sure there's a moral here, some lesson, some way I can help others that suffer with similar problems... But right now I just feel damned by a prison of my own making. The world still spins, lives carry on, I'm in a grave with afterthought, I'm expired, but still smell ok. I very literally watch dust gather on the things around me, some days its surreal to think I've been in such slow motion that the things around me could show age. Now I'm going to type four more paragraphs spewing the same self loathing, feel sorry for me bullshit, before I finally shut up and roll over. That's how this ends... I hate to ruin the end of a great mystery, but I don't want you getting all excited that hope springs eternal; no, our hero rolls over, and twitches for a while, until he either falls asleep, or succumbs to some similar urge.
For the sake of argument, let's say tomorrow everything was suddenly ok, I could find motivation, what would I do? It's a really good question, seeing as I've cut myself off so well, there are only a handful of things I can do with motivation, but I'll give it a go.
I'd make art, that'd be wonderful, I've gathered all these pieces for art, and really just need to assemble them. I'd take a walk with my camera, like I always used to do... Maybe set it to black and white, and just take pictures because I enjoy it, not because I have something expected from me. I'd light the fire in my heart, and compose music, not just a song, but two or three all stemming from the same angle. If I were really motivated? I'd get on a bus, I'd put this all behind me... Maybe just for a week or two, or maybe for good, walk away from what I know and take a risk, get on a stage again, fall in love with something new... Just live, and exist somewhere healthy.
Instead, I think I'll upload this and roll over.