When to trust your gut.

When it hasn't eaten in three days. When it tells you something is wrong in your life. When it questions new avenues of life.
All I can do is see how the next few days play out and hope it gives me wisdom to make the right choice. I know what I want, but I don't know what the best choice for others is. There's not a lot of time to figure it out either. Both paths could lead to happiness or ruin... I think I'll be ok either way though

Something new

Like a Phoenix rises from the ashes, I've endured a few days of hell to have some interesting propositions. This could change my life for some time to come. Hopefully for the better, but at least it won't be this. I have a lot going on here, but may be forced to aim my sights on different goals, obviously by my last few entries I've been less than pleased with my life lately.

Life or something like it

I attempted suicide last night, I wasn't very successful or I wouldn't be typing this. I'm tired, I'm pretty sure I'll never see my kids again and I've done my best to sever ties with my family. Anything good in my life is outweighed by the neverending anxiety and pain I feel everyday.
I know I'm a talented person, and I'm smart enough to know how stupid suicide is, but what's left in this word for me? Even those that get close, tire quickly of me. Please just let this pain stop. Doctors won't give me the time to listen to how I feel, and mo one cares enough to seek help. I am stuck in my own hell and only know one way out.

At the same time

I've been harder on myself than anyone is. I think it's more odd to have people talk about my work to each other, and yet they don't say much to me. But with getting contracted to shoot commercials(frame by frame, my favorite way) shooting artists for their cards, and doing promo work for talented musicians... I question myself more now, than I ever have. I want to be moved emotionally again, take a feverish interest in a project... Not since I shot a damn broken down piano have I gotten so carried away in just making art.

For the masses

Who am I to say that what I make is art? I've all but stopped visually marking my photographs(some cases I do use metadata) partially because the shoots have been funded by others, and therefore I feel it inappropriate to mark it as just mine, or because several people were on set, and always get credited thusly.
I think even in my intimate, private art I may not stamp across it... It's just what my "eye" sees, or my hands assemble, if someone else isn't funding the project, then I guess it doesn't belong anywhere... I can take 500 images in a day easily, or I can get depressed and not let my creativity flow for weeks at a time... I question myself more than anyone does. Some love. Some hate. I just go through the motions... Finding a reason to breath day to day. Don't even get me started on the music writing lately, just a brutal process.

Time to

Get really fucked up, look back at my life, and attempt to make art.

Sadly

Well first off I haven't written in a while... But I've been brought to tears watching the Courtney love behind the music... Reliving the death of Kurt cobain...
I think I may actually get a memorial tattoo, since I have recently acquired deals with artists, I'm sure Tony from eternal could do a great portrait