Welcome home.

Looks Like I'm back to sharing my thought with a tiny screen that never replies. At least it gets out of my head.

I feel like an asshole, and why? Because everytime I try to help someone, they freak out about something. Is it so hard to imagine sometimes people do things to be nice?

I'm not perfect, but I'm also very far from morally bankrupt. I wear my mistakes for all to see, and I work on the rest. I have about two more paragraphs to write here but it's too emo even for me.
I'm sorry, who cares who's fault anything is, bad situations suck either way. Seems to me I usually willingly play the role of villian, so everyone else can justify their actions. It doesn't matter to me, whatever helps you sleep at night.
I'm looking forward to returning to my "normal" workflow and getting some new material done. Too often I get caught up in others aspirations, and forget to wish on a couple stars for myself.

The last few days

Haven't gone exactly how I'd planned. Somehow I'm ok with that though, one random bit of drama changes the course of my life, but there was nothing I could do to change it.
Honestly it makes life a bit easier, I've been neglecting some of my projects, not being able to manage my time equally.
I met someone interesting and nice, don't jump to conclusions there, I just don't meet people often.
I also had a dream about a friend, that calls into question how I feel about that friend. Either way it was just a dream, so I'll treat it thusly, just interesting.
The second some of my time frees up people come out of the woodwork ready to get things underway,oh and the website WILL be back up soon, just going through server changes. Funny how that works, the photography and other music projects are about to get busy again.
Moral of the story, it's good when someone reminds you how shallow the world can be, it helps you step out before you get lost in the deep end.
Keep your floaties on until next time.
Lucid

Cat naps. I have to remember how bad they are for you. Over the course of several days, the mind starts to break down worse than just sleep deprivation would cause. It's harmful over a long stretch to keep prematurely pulling the mind from NREM states without letting it finish cycling.
A few days ago a dialog with my brother opened up the query: "Is this why cats are so playful and odd?" if they never reach full REM they never are fully rested.
I've never seen that question arise in scientific study, although at the time of said discussion we were watching a nova documentary on dreams. They learned how to switch off sleep paralisys in animals, they showed dogs, cats and rats, up moving around but still asleep. I noticed the cats were the most agile. Just interesting.

Sleep deprived journal 24.7

Very sleep deprived, stuck in my own head. Recalling how we used to name every song thought with a different revision number after it. Until a song had lyrics, it was always thought4.2, or a similar means to library our content. In That instance the .2 would be the second revision of the fourth song. The higher the decimal number, the newer the version of the track. Just an odd process, it led me to think about the word thought. In my own sleep deprived breakdown it went something like this:
Thought can be so many things... Like, "I thought that our naming scheme made sense, but then a thought occured to me, why did we name them that way?" The single form of the word can encompass several tenses, or states in time.
Led me to this conclusion:
Thought is the think of yesterday, as if in a brain dead patient. What is the beauty of having a soul, without the ability to ponder just that? The soul, the symbolic "heart", the emotion love, does it exist without the thought? Every person is instilled with a different idea of what love is, it is a very mental state, and yet does our chest not ache, physically hurt, with the loss of love? Even with a sensory understanding of the human anatomy, it still seems like one cohesive experience, the entire body senses as a whole, not the sum of it's parts.
This is breaking down in my head and leading nowhere, just sleep deprived journal 24.7, see in that instance the .7 would be.....

Not long now.

Fragments scattered in time, proof that I did in fact exist.
I was several things to several people, but vanished from thought once my use was fulfilled. A leftover picture, a scribble on a piece of paper, a voicemail, these are the only fading memories of a life once lived.
Remembered only in small shards, the whole of my life was never shared. Those closest to me always knew there was something else, I couldn't put into words, and that they couldn't understand. Here, at this late chapter, in a book that's almost written, the pages show signs of regret, words unsaid, emotions held back. You can't dwell on yesterday, and that's where I am. Look forward to an amazing life laid out before you, think of me no more.
I had my time, and wasted most of it, chasing incomplete dreams, unrequited emotions, intangible myths. My legacy, my name, scratched from history, my own children no longer wear my name. Life is an artform, one to be respected, grasped as tightly as possible, for it slips no matter the agility.
My memories are all I take with me, an early morning smile, a shared walk somewhere new, I have my fragments of you, and I will cherish them, the only time I really felt alive.
Whatever the future holds, I wish you all your dreams, love, and respect. A vast plane stretches out before you, covered with great memories yet to be had. Mine is not long for this world, I will clutch tight the thought of you, as I carry into the next great experience.

I'll try this one more time to understand my crime my patience complacence is lost on no one I'll save my tongue the pen is mightier but the sword is swift if the mood were lighter it wouldn't need a lift so fingers to keys that unlock no door except to the soul of one so poor I digress injustice LIEs in the hearts of us all so let us join together even if our loneliness is the only bond let it be so strong as to not tear asunder but unite us under a common cause to be free happy and healthy makes every man wealthy let my words on this screen start to change even I can admit it's strange just getting it out there cleanses the mind the negative thoughts being left behind no period no comma may structure fall with the drama I'll leave it behind and just unwind the clocks gears were too tight the time is now and now it feels right to express myself in a public form maybe someone will learn from my forlorn it's not perfect I'm the first to say but as I jot it so ends the day I put it to rest with my unrest a brighter tommorow with less feelings of sorrow joy and prosper I've called upon thee I'm not looking back so mote it be

Tis better to have lived life lost, than to have ever loved at all.