Has always plauged my family, but on a personal level I've never let myself fall apart this bad. But I feel like I need to feel it and endure, but I'm breaking. My ears are ringing, so I'm listening to music, but that's messing with my breathing and heartbeat. I'm shaking.
How do people sit back and watch others get like this? At the same time, an immediate family member is similar, and I've grown to watch, until it reaches a dangerous breaking point. It makes me feel sad that I, nor anyone else really stops to address it with her, and it's been 30 years or more for her. I don't want to get to the point that I'm degenerative.
I'm scared.
My dr appointment is two weeks away, and I'm dangling by a thread. One thing, anything, would send me over the edge I fear.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Ok maybe
I feel a bit like a freak for being so public about my personal life. I guess if it's going to end up being talked about... I might as well be the one to put it out there. If I could just sleep I'd feel so much better. Anyways, blah blah blah, I do feel like things will get better, no matter what, welcome to the meltdown :)
I ate kinda finally, and I'm trying to get back to being productive, I have old work lying around to mess with tommorow,just really want some sleep. I'm trying to stay positive, just lots of things around that remind me what I'm missing.
I keep thinking about breaking out my odd lenses and shooting some outdoor stuff... Had a few fun ideas, I just don't want to get aggrevated if I can't get in the right headspace to be creative. Wishing I was more musically driven currently, that's an easier place to take out frustration.
I ate kinda finally, and I'm trying to get back to being productive, I have old work lying around to mess with tommorow,just really want some sleep. I'm trying to stay positive, just lots of things around that remind me what I'm missing.
I keep thinking about breaking out my odd lenses and shooting some outdoor stuff... Had a few fun ideas, I just don't want to get aggrevated if I can't get in the right headspace to be creative. Wishing I was more musically driven currently, that's an easier place to take out frustration.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Gather around the iPod light
It's storytime kids. I'll try to keep this one light hearted.
It's a story about a girl, I met her about 17 years ago, that's right I'm an old one. But I think the lesson still applies. I met her at a party, somewhat briefly, she was with her friend, I was young, tried to hide my shyness but even that night I noticed her stealing glances. Now I'm not even sure if she knows I know about this part, but a few days later someone read me something from her, asking who I was.
The years passed quickly as they always do, we were good friends, but I put that memory away... Assuming it was just a passing curiousity. Sometimes boys can be dim, and not pay attention to signs. As we both grew professionally our paths crossed more often, we were good friends,as if there was never a point we didn't know everything about the others life. I began working with her on projects more and more frequently... One night she had a big show, and we were there celebrating the anniversary of our website, but I was photographing her show as well.
I had noticed sometimes it seemed like she was flirting, but passed it off as friendly, but that night, I went to say goodnight and congratulate her on her show, i gave her a hug,when I went to kiss her on the cheek, she turned her head, and our lips met. Just a stolen peck, very innocent, but it sent my mind reeling over the years to find traces of how she might feel.
It took a few weeks, and I kept inviting her to things, making excuses to be around her more. It took some patience, but on a special evening I asked her to share birthday celebrations with, as they are less than two weeks apart. During this time I was sitting back realizing how proud I was, that she was doing well, and was happy with her life. That night started what over the next two weeks became an obvious miracle. Stupid boy realized someone special had always been there.
The next four months they were always together, but took time because they had both been hurt so many times. There were hard times, but usually it was something small, or something they couldnt control, and always did well at making up, and forgiving. Toward the end of the four months "I love you" snuck out, more and more often. I was trying hard to figure out something special to do, to officially ask her to be my girlfriend.
That's where my story ends, I promised to keep it light hearted, and stupid boy, did something stupid to wonderful girl.
Now put out the iPod light and get some sleep kids... Maybe someday I'll get to tell you the rest, but it gets scary for a minute.
It's a story about a girl, I met her about 17 years ago, that's right I'm an old one. But I think the lesson still applies. I met her at a party, somewhat briefly, she was with her friend, I was young, tried to hide my shyness but even that night I noticed her stealing glances. Now I'm not even sure if she knows I know about this part, but a few days later someone read me something from her, asking who I was.
The years passed quickly as they always do, we were good friends, but I put that memory away... Assuming it was just a passing curiousity. Sometimes boys can be dim, and not pay attention to signs. As we both grew professionally our paths crossed more often, we were good friends,as if there was never a point we didn't know everything about the others life. I began working with her on projects more and more frequently... One night she had a big show, and we were there celebrating the anniversary of our website, but I was photographing her show as well.
I had noticed sometimes it seemed like she was flirting, but passed it off as friendly, but that night, I went to say goodnight and congratulate her on her show, i gave her a hug,when I went to kiss her on the cheek, she turned her head, and our lips met. Just a stolen peck, very innocent, but it sent my mind reeling over the years to find traces of how she might feel.
It took a few weeks, and I kept inviting her to things, making excuses to be around her more. It took some patience, but on a special evening I asked her to share birthday celebrations with, as they are less than two weeks apart. During this time I was sitting back realizing how proud I was, that she was doing well, and was happy with her life. That night started what over the next two weeks became an obvious miracle. Stupid boy realized someone special had always been there.
The next four months they were always together, but took time because they had both been hurt so many times. There were hard times, but usually it was something small, or something they couldnt control, and always did well at making up, and forgiving. Toward the end of the four months "I love you" snuck out, more and more often. I was trying hard to figure out something special to do, to officially ask her to be my girlfriend.
That's where my story ends, I promised to keep it light hearted, and stupid boy, did something stupid to wonderful girl.
Now put out the iPod light and get some sleep kids... Maybe someday I'll get to tell you the rest, but it gets scary for a minute.
Oh I forgot.
That was my 50th blog... Yay! *confetti*
I swear the mood will lighten in here soon, I only write when I'm down, when I'm happy, I'm too busy being happy to stop and write. I need to change that, I can have an insightful thought from time to time.
I swear the mood will lighten in here soon, I only write when I'm down, when I'm happy, I'm too busy being happy to stop and write. I need to change that, I can have an insightful thought from time to time.
I don't like it here, it smells funny
12hrs laying in bed shaking crying, can't eat. I'm sorry, I'm better than this, but can't fix me. Holding it in to tell a doctor soon, but not soon enough. I was ok for a few hrs this morning,I shouldve eaten while I could. 5 days, half a piece of chicken.
If I start talking to a person at some point, it's because I have so much I want to tell them, but can't hurt them,so I take it out here, in my pretend, odd blog that I don't tell anyone about, but I don't hide it either. This is my life folks... I can't make this shit up.
If I start talking to a person at some point, it's because I have so much I want to tell them, but can't hurt them,so I take it out here, in my pretend, odd blog that I don't tell anyone about, but I don't hide it either. This is my life folks... I can't make this shit up.
We're entering bat country
Soooo those lines and shapes i see when I close my eyes... Those are my brain saying "time to sleep", so I sit and watch them until I see Elroy from the jetsons. Scary.
One more blog and I hit 50 whoo!
Side note: would my own brains thought need quotation marks? It's important things like this that keep me awake.
One more blog and I hit 50 whoo!
Side note: would my own brains thought need quotation marks? It's important things like this that keep me awake.
I don't even know
This is me unloading because once again, I can't sleep.
My life has been absolute turmoil and as the dust settles I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking half the time. I'm getting my shit together though and quickly, it just hurts sometimes when change comes so fast.
I fucked up really bad Friday, I drank too much, yelled at my brother, stole my own car, sent bad txt, hurt peoples feelings, and attempted suicide. All the things I never do. So, no more booze, really. I've got an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist, so maybe the worst thing I've done in a long time will swing my "normal" life back on track. I'm just my own worst critic, and to hurt people you love and have no way to fix it, is a horrible thing. I don't screw things up, I'm famously the one being hurt, not the one doing the hurting. Head trauma and booze are a scary mixture, it was like watching what I was doing, but not even wanting to do it, some dark side crawled out and took over, and wrecked some precious relationships.
Meanwhile, back on earth, I've been tattooed, pierced, burned, and lasered all month long... I think that's a good thing though...sore but content. Photography has proven to be a worthwhile endeavor as I seem to find myself in interesting places shooting interesting things, and even getting paid or paid in trade for my services.
On the music side of things, I was somewhat unnofficially asked to perform at the Land of Nod, which would be a 3 day festival of acts like rasputina, murder by death, the eagles of death metal, dj proppa bear, members of public enemy. The coolest thing I've been asked to do in a while, free ride, I'd get to hang out with my Nola friends, and was offered to move to Nola after the festival,even timed so I wouldn't miss a couple deviants too much while they party in la... You hear it here first though, I'm turning it down, it's the craziest sane thing I've ever done, but I'm getting in therapy, staying sober, and getting my shit together... I don't need 8,000 screaming reasons to do things I'll regret right now. Mr. Rockstar, pain fetishist is going to work more from the home studio, and wait to get a little stronger in my coping skills.
So the divorce, I don't know where that went, I got served papers I can't bring myself to read, it's too hard when parents really want what's best for kids. I'm actually a great dad, it's only been a couple years since 90% of the type of things you read above were put away completely so I could wake up, make breakfast and lunch, send the shorties off to school, go to my 8-3 job, so I could be home to unload kids, cook them dinner,homework,baths,jammies,bed.
Guess what? I'd trade any of this life for that again in a heartbeat. I miss my kids, and a part of me lost hope when I didn't get to play superdad anymore.
Good god this is long, are you bored yet?I'm sleep deprived, can't eat, and crying, but we can get through this, let's see where it takes us.
Amazing thing after amazing thing happened until, suddenly it seemed everyone was getting sick, upset, or passing away. I've never had to shoot a funeral and while I hope I did it justice and respect, I hope I don't have to shoot another... Let's take care of ourselves and each other. It went from good to blah to bad so fast, my relationship had no chance. By the time I was ready to admit I loved her, there was so much external noise getting in the way, my Friday binge of stupidity cost me something I didn't want to lose. Love hurts really bad when you want to yell it from the rooftops, and don't care who knows it, but there's no one there to hear it anymore.
Lessons learned, and I'm a mess of emotions, I actually woke up happy late last night, worked, exercised, even played basketball(after all that, this is where I'm losing you) now I'm lying in my bed alone, and very very sad. I am determined to fix the project that is me though, so bring on the shrinks, science, hard work, and no booze make tom sane.
I'm getting back to the place I want to be, with myself, even if it's not the place I thought I wanted to be. Take lifes shit and make fertilizer, plant some seeds of responsibility and make roses. I suck at gardening but I'll get through it. Ok that's about enough bad metaphores for one blog, I only left out a couple hundred things that have transpired recently, but we'll get to that later.
My life has been absolute turmoil and as the dust settles I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking half the time. I'm getting my shit together though and quickly, it just hurts sometimes when change comes so fast.
I fucked up really bad Friday, I drank too much, yelled at my brother, stole my own car, sent bad txt, hurt peoples feelings, and attempted suicide. All the things I never do. So, no more booze, really. I've got an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist, so maybe the worst thing I've done in a long time will swing my "normal" life back on track. I'm just my own worst critic, and to hurt people you love and have no way to fix it, is a horrible thing. I don't screw things up, I'm famously the one being hurt, not the one doing the hurting. Head trauma and booze are a scary mixture, it was like watching what I was doing, but not even wanting to do it, some dark side crawled out and took over, and wrecked some precious relationships.
Meanwhile, back on earth, I've been tattooed, pierced, burned, and lasered all month long... I think that's a good thing though...sore but content. Photography has proven to be a worthwhile endeavor as I seem to find myself in interesting places shooting interesting things, and even getting paid or paid in trade for my services.
On the music side of things, I was somewhat unnofficially asked to perform at the Land of Nod, which would be a 3 day festival of acts like rasputina, murder by death, the eagles of death metal, dj proppa bear, members of public enemy. The coolest thing I've been asked to do in a while, free ride, I'd get to hang out with my Nola friends, and was offered to move to Nola after the festival,even timed so I wouldn't miss a couple deviants too much while they party in la... You hear it here first though, I'm turning it down, it's the craziest sane thing I've ever done, but I'm getting in therapy, staying sober, and getting my shit together... I don't need 8,000 screaming reasons to do things I'll regret right now. Mr. Rockstar, pain fetishist is going to work more from the home studio, and wait to get a little stronger in my coping skills.
So the divorce, I don't know where that went, I got served papers I can't bring myself to read, it's too hard when parents really want what's best for kids. I'm actually a great dad, it's only been a couple years since 90% of the type of things you read above were put away completely so I could wake up, make breakfast and lunch, send the shorties off to school, go to my 8-3 job, so I could be home to unload kids, cook them dinner,homework,baths,jammies,bed.
Guess what? I'd trade any of this life for that again in a heartbeat. I miss my kids, and a part of me lost hope when I didn't get to play superdad anymore.
Good god this is long, are you bored yet?I'm sleep deprived, can't eat, and crying, but we can get through this, let's see where it takes us.
Amazing thing after amazing thing happened until, suddenly it seemed everyone was getting sick, upset, or passing away. I've never had to shoot a funeral and while I hope I did it justice and respect, I hope I don't have to shoot another... Let's take care of ourselves and each other. It went from good to blah to bad so fast, my relationship had no chance. By the time I was ready to admit I loved her, there was so much external noise getting in the way, my Friday binge of stupidity cost me something I didn't want to lose. Love hurts really bad when you want to yell it from the rooftops, and don't care who knows it, but there's no one there to hear it anymore.
Lessons learned, and I'm a mess of emotions, I actually woke up happy late last night, worked, exercised, even played basketball(after all that, this is where I'm losing you) now I'm lying in my bed alone, and very very sad. I am determined to fix the project that is me though, so bring on the shrinks, science, hard work, and no booze make tom sane.
I'm getting back to the place I want to be, with myself, even if it's not the place I thought I wanted to be. Take lifes shit and make fertilizer, plant some seeds of responsibility and make roses. I suck at gardening but I'll get through it. Ok that's about enough bad metaphores for one blog, I only left out a couple hundred things that have transpired recently, but we'll get to that later.
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