I feel as though my study of life cycles, not in the sense of birth/life/death, but in that of ones tendency to repeat what makes them comfortable, be it healthy or not, they seek that which they know. I digress back on point, I'm starting to question if the knowledge and free will to step outside of this cycle cause chaos. My life has great turmoil right now, and only after months of being outside where I would usually feel comfortable, do I see that if I simply stepped back in sync at some point half the issues would vanish. They are somewhat caused by my misalignment. Events occur and make themselves known that would allow me to step back in easily, and now that I look back, it seems almost like the longer I stay on this path, the harder it gets, while I could sleepwalk through a mundane spoon-fed life inside my comfort zone.
I've studied numerology and fate cycles, I believe this to be closely related, I've just never taken number data down to smaller increments, fate cycles are usually measured in years and decades, yet people's lives repeat daily. A small stray may feel adventurous, yet easy to sync back in. Think about a vacation... When you return home, everything feels strange for a minute, then you step back into your life, in some cases even having to make up for time lost. We don't question it either; time wasn't lost, it was spent somewhere else, so why does it have to be recompinsated?
Is the chaos I feel on a daily basis, the void inside me, telling me something? I feel goals, tendencies, and obvious invitations to be who I once was. Study of myself and psychology, and attempting to evolve into a person I could deem, "better", may have thrown me of some part of a pre-ordained idea or path to where I was meant to be. This sounds insane, of course. This is completely theoretical, as such I probably shouldn't even speak of it.
Do you not have some idea of where you will be in a month? A year? That is projected probability based on your current path and the cycles you live inside of. You've built constraints and constructed a path, that few tend to question. Adventurous souls have weekend hobbies, however extreme, but feel selfish for having them. People off of their cycle for long times are probably nomadic, almost gypsy, or mentally unstable. It's not easy to attempt directing chaos, even worse now that I understand I've chosen this chaos. Not a single bad thing that has happened this year, in probability, would have happened on my normal path, they are all cause based, traceable back to where I ,"should" have been when they happened. Fate may be a bit more fickle than we expect.
Two choices present themselves: I can shut up, take the next chance to leap back into my life, or I can further explore a painful theory. The point though, is not to always choose the easy path, but to step back and logically choose, I usually choose on some karmic scale, often suffering for some ripple of an unseen greater good, an idea of morally right. This lands me in strange patterns, making life almost impossible to navigate. Once again I digress, to map it, or attempt to, would be to create a formula for a chaos cycle, as opposed to fate cycle, charting and math would be involved, but I'm guessing in a non-linear way. From studying music I've learned to enjoy 3/4 signatures, swing or almost anti-rhythmic styles. An anti-math might have to be used in the deconstruction of fate, the ultimate goal I'm guessing would be how to step successfully out of the self that fate and planning has built, without catastrophic results. Our reality is not,(for us) matter, molecules, gravity and planets; our reality is waking up in our bed, going through our routine and returning to slumber. Which begs the questioning of dream state and it's role in our lives too. The id and how to change it's needs, all conjecture at this point.
I'll be the old man that locked himself in a room with a urine bottle drawing circles and spirals on the wall.
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