You can't grow up fast enough, until you're here and unprepared. I was the baby of the family, as the youngest, I never felt like I was taken seriously, and always walked in someone else's shadow.
The achievements of my sibling always seemed important to my family, as I grew older this sense of detachment and low self worth, caused me to grow into a black sheep, for years I put away any ideas of music or art, and cared little for anything other than skating and smoking. While there are plenty of memories and lifelong friendships born from those years, I simply was not myself. That's not to say I was being fake, I was just stifled under a haze of smoke and a sense of restlessness. I still feel restless but I try to harness that into my projects these days. As I grew older tools for making art and music found their way into my hands more often, of course I also began a family, which of course came first.
As my hobbies became more serious, they blossomed into career choices, which was a life long goal, but when your dreams can become your life, you realize if it's expected of you, it loses some of it's magic. When it's simply for fun, or a healthy outlet to voice yourself through, the world feels limitless.
When I started with music, it was hardware synthesizers, or dos based sampling/sequencing, so limited it was a chore just keeping steady rhythms and basic ideas took tons of effort to get from thought to reality. Now I have things gathering dust, that I couldn't even imagine existing back then, there are forms of synthesis that simply weren't thought of yet. The phone I'm typing on right now has more processing power, 8x the storage, and the ability to make music better than the computer I had back then. Few people even remember dos, and even less ever bothered with it. Now I can get a computer or synth for a fraction of what they cost, when they could barely handle anything. I digress, the point is the more tools I have, the more limited I feel in other ways. If I'd have handed myself a Nord lead 16 years ago, it would've blown my mind, yet right now, sadly, I don't have the space to even setup half my hardware, 2/3 of my bands rely on a bulk of music written on a computer rather than hardware recording.
Artistically, I used to sculpt, paint, and photograph everything. Yesterday I put pencil to paper and drew, and it felt so good just to draw again. I still photograph constantly and now film is a new avenue I can explore. When the mood strikes I love stop animation, but once again it's something I seldom take time for. There's a fancy little pen tablet in the corner, by the time we had the means to get one I was simply just used to using a mouse to paint and edit with, I'd love to start using it, but the reality is by the time I'm done getting the feel for it, the inspiration has usually passed.
As always my rant has led us very south of my original context. I actually wanted to talk about growing up seeking the approval of my family, where it's led me, and what it's taught me.
My brother is talented, he can sculpt, draw and sing like no other. I wish he'd take his art more seriously these days, he still sings, we even share a project now. As a child I watched my parents take joy in every achievement he made, and I didn't feel focused enough to hone any of my skills, I simply gave up eventually. A piece of me has always been an artist, even during the darker parts of my life I was always sketching or doing something creative, I merely didn't place any value on the finished product. My skills took me seriously long before I had any faith in them. I found myself on ever-growing stages, on the radio, in print, and signing autographs... It's still unreal to me some of things I've managed to accomplish. I never thought I'd have a distribution contract or be a cover photographer. Yet, the thing that has always plagued me, the shadow I never escaped. My achievements were of secular value, and my family was Christian, to the point the secular world had little place in our home. So my achievements, while amazing, felt too little, too late, or simply not recognized. I could this very second ask my father to name any song, magazine, or basically any affiliation I've ever had, an he could not tell me. Which after the first few things garnered little approval, I don't bother showing him, or telling him much anymore. My mother supports the idea of the life I lead, but really has little comprehension of the actual material. She's always been very patient with the very odd things that tend to surround me, yet I doubt she understands what the overall purpose is.
So, to my friends and fans over the years, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's hard for me to tolerate myself most days, but I constantly get affirmation that others are always watching and listening. When I struggle through hard times and grow silent, I usually think about the people that hopefully find inspiration in what I do. This always leads me to document my way out of hardships, to simply create an escape from what troubles me. Thank you, I hope some small part of who I am has changed your life in some way. That is any artists true, pure intent. To mark some tiny corner of this world that may live on after me, if not physically than in someone's heart, I've accomplished what I set out to do.