Honesty, that's what I strive for, so here goes...
I'm depressed, severely. It is only short-term and I recognize this, so I treat it thusly. No harsh or dramatic decisions, just taking my schedule down a notch for a minute.
I have several weekly commitments I can't break, or I would probably let some taper off for a bit, but they are at critical stages in their development, and I don't want them to suffer on my behalf.
Where to start? Population: 0 is doing amazing, shows every couple weeks, the fan-base is growing by bounds, we can't keep up with the demand, but love trying. The "dames " are soon to be announced, once a cohesive balance is in place, it's been hard on everyone's schedules, but this project is very important to us as well.
Photography demand became so high, I've stepped back for a minute, with four shoots scheduled, I've been quickly filling 1.5 tb drives with material, being involved with music, photography and now cinematography, the strain on my disc space is overwhelming (imagine how my brain feels).
Most of my depression would be linked to a mixture of evolving cocktails of medication trying to get my anxiety back under control, but a major part is my mothers illness. We took her to the hospital this week, she's yet to return, it always stirs emotions inside us when our mother gets ill like this.
Another reason for depression is calling my very freedom into question, I can't even speak about this technically, but for reasons out of my control, you may not see
me for a very long time, this of course puts a burden on my back. It also forces me to question how to spend the time I have available, do I get all of my projects lined up and working on their own? Do I sit and feel upset that I miss my kids so much? Do I go into overdrive and produce art and music so much I can't think? Do I get my mental and physical self healthy and prepared? Do I seek a life of less solitude, seek out love and companionship? That last question wasn't even on the plate until I realized there is a hole in my heart, I have so much to offer, and no one to share it with. My late night musings fall in silence. People of late, that have recently met me have questioned my sense of humor; I'm actually a very light-hearted, fun person, just a person faced with very serious issues currently. I spend a good portion of my day care-free still, but it's not fixing the topics at hand.
My anxiety has reared it's ugly head once again, and estranged me from those I love, if they don't seek me out and force social interaction, they don't hear from me at all.
I am a smart, fun, intelligent person. I am also lonely, troubled, anxious and depressed. I clearly recognize both hemispheres of my reality, and often it is the source for inspiration.
I try to hush my feelings of loneliness, celibate now for 15 months, minus one incident months ago that filled me with regret. I question how healthy a partner could be for me, and how healthy I could be for them. Then I also realize merely questioning these things means I'm in a better position than most to move forward with my love life. Most blindly jump into things that they regret.
Cycles, my new fascination. Speaking psychologically and spiritually. I see everyone around me in proverbial hamster wheels. Repeating the same mistakes, and reaching for the same goals, but never actually taking steps to obtaining those goals, nor questioning if this goal will actually help them achieve any semblance of happiness. I have my cycles too, certainly, but I'm striving to break them. Merely writing these pieces of my soul and sharing with everyone, is a great leap towards breaking mine. Once I(and anyone that reads this far) recognizes my faults, they seem a bit less intimidating.
I suppose if I'm to share one last part of me, a hard one... Many parts of my life come under fire, I am always under someone's scope, while that could be the rant of a paranoid mind, I have daily affirmations of it's existence. From suspension, my lifestyle, my photography, music, and place in life; these things are scrutinized by others constantly. The more mature side of me says, "who cares, I know my life is justified, and I'm doing great things", the less mature, yet seldom seen side says,"damn why do people care what I do, and why do they see it in such a negative light? Do they have nothing better to do than dissect something they don't understand?" I could put that more brazenly, but there's no reason to lose composure at this point.
Vague, yes. You'd have to know me or ask to understand some of this, but there is a little comment button right there->