Things must be going good, or I'd be blogging everyday.
I've started work on several new projects, some music, video and photography work.
Writing music and video for a poetry piece, working on short episodes of a new series. I've been approached about two new music projects, and I'm going to start hanging out with some old friends, and just plugging in and playing... A nice break from the studio work, just music for the sake of music. Quite a few people are getting the itch for new photography too.
My personal life is in a bit of an odd place, but I think I like things the way they are. If I can't have exactly what I want, I'd rather things be exactly how they are now.
I have a follow up dr appointment, still unsure how that's going to work out, but I've been forcing myself to be more social, I've gone out four days this week, and I'm supposed to go to a party tommorow. I've seen so many old friends this week, and I've been productive. Life gets better.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The promise of better things
I've started slowly reighning my life back in, but it proves hard. I had a shoot yesterday, the first one in a while. After the shoot we BBQ and watched movies, a few people came over... But everyone was too quiet, I'm used to having a way to curb my anxiety, but I wasn't going to drink. So I ended up being reclusive and eventually went off on my own... Felt like once I was done with photography and cooking, I didn't have anything to offer anyone.
I'm lonely, this is the 1st time in 12 years I've actually been single... I've spent a few months here and there single, but technically i was still married, just permanently seperated. I just miss human interaction... I miss love, I miss my kids.
Two days until the doctor. I know this first visit won't help much, but it's a giant step. I should be driving again and doing normal things very soon.
I'm lonely, this is the 1st time in 12 years I've actually been single... I've spent a few months here and there single, but technically i was still married, just permanently seperated. I just miss human interaction... I miss love, I miss my kids.
Two days until the doctor. I know this first visit won't help much, but it's a giant step. I should be driving again and doing normal things very soon.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Just another day
I'm happy to report that I finally slept! Off and on for several hours, but I think it added up. Woke up, and pretty much went straight to working on some old photography I have around. Once I have about 8 images ready I'll start uploading them to the usual outlets.
I did feel moody today which is odd for me, even if I feel off, I know it's for no reason, so I keep it in check... But today small things were aggrevating me for some reason. But with the sleep issues, I'm sure it's natural. I ate today too, go me... Maybe too much, but when you have barely eaten for two weeks, that's probably natural too.
All in all it was a positive day, got some sleep finally, some grub, and got back to work on things.
Oooohh and I ordered something, super secret! The order process was simple, but screwy... I didn't use all the money off a certificate, but then they charged me for 1-3 day shipping, then I read in the email they send me that the order won't ship for 7-14 days... What's the point of express shipping(there was no free option) when the item won't ship for two friggin weeks... Ok rant over.
I did feel moody today which is odd for me, even if I feel off, I know it's for no reason, so I keep it in check... But today small things were aggrevating me for some reason. But with the sleep issues, I'm sure it's natural. I ate today too, go me... Maybe too much, but when you have barely eaten for two weeks, that's probably natural too.
All in all it was a positive day, got some sleep finally, some grub, and got back to work on things.
Oooohh and I ordered something, super secret! The order process was simple, but screwy... I didn't use all the money off a certificate, but then they charged me for 1-3 day shipping, then I read in the email they send me that the order won't ship for 7-14 days... What's the point of express shipping(there was no free option) when the item won't ship for two friggin weeks... Ok rant over.
And we're back
Had some trouble dealing with the loss of yet another friend, it's more that it's just mixed into and stirring all the other emotions I'm choking down in massive doses.
I'm doing some things I'm not ready to share here, to better my life, steps most people don't bother taking when shedding their old skin. I've never been in AA(maybe I shouldve), but I imagine this is what their 12 steps must feel like. Facing the demons of my past, I'm coming to be at peace with them.
Found out I have a shoot this weekend, I still have one to process too, I've had a couple of lucid days that I've been productive, but all in all the creativity has been stifled by my personal life, something I won't let happen again once this process is complete. I have pretty clear goals unwanted to obtain, and have started realistic paths to achieve them. I am really killing the parts of me I don't like.
I'm doing some things I'm not ready to share here, to better my life, steps most people don't bother taking when shedding their old skin. I've never been in AA(maybe I shouldve), but I imagine this is what their 12 steps must feel like. Facing the demons of my past, I'm coming to be at peace with them.
Found out I have a shoot this weekend, I still have one to process too, I've had a couple of lucid days that I've been productive, but all in all the creativity has been stifled by my personal life, something I won't let happen again once this process is complete. I have pretty clear goals unwanted to obtain, and have started realistic paths to achieve them. I am really killing the parts of me I don't like.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Take a breath, now continue mourning.
Christopher Reese died last night, I still don't know how. It haunts me to know that I'm probably the last person to photograph him alive, at another friend, Jon Wallace funeral service just a few weeks ago. I had tears in my eyes as I quickly edited the picture to get it online for his loved ones.
I wish life would calm down a little bit, I'm trying to fix what's broken in me, but it's hard with all of this loss. The last two weeks have left me with a raw open wound, and I can't eat, or sleep... Just 4 days until I see a doctor, but now I'm wondering what else I can lose in 4 days.
I'm on my iPod right now, when I'm on a pc I'll post a picture here to remember yet another fallen friend.
I wish life would calm down a little bit, I'm trying to fix what's broken in me, but it's hard with all of this loss. The last two weeks have left me with a raw open wound, and I can't eat, or sleep... Just 4 days until I see a doctor, but now I'm wondering what else I can lose in 4 days.
I'm on my iPod right now, when I'm on a pc I'll post a picture here to remember yet another fallen friend.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Doo doo doo I like tacos
I just got to email my kids! I found out they both have email addresses, what a great new way to keep in touch with them.
Switched out the bulky horseshoes I had in my newly pierced snakebites for some smaller (in diameter not gauge) hoops, they fit tighter and I don't feel like metal mouth anymore, feels natural. Can't wait to finish the Job, and close my mouth for a few months... But doctor appointments make the priority for now... Over modification.
I've started to prep myself for the Tulsa trips, just want to be healthy in mind and body before being around suspension again, A.G.R.O. has a very different outlook on the art than pain tribe(not a conflict, just matters of practice,presentation), but the same appeal of course. I will probably just sit in on the first couple sessions and photograph/ get to know the people I will work with. Pain tribe is my family, and I miss them, I just want to have a bond with the people doing the work, Colby was family long before he ever took a needle to me. People seek suspension for different reasons, but personally it has to do with spiritual growth and the minds power over the body. I go into similar thought cycles even when I'm getting tattoos. Pain enduced enlightenment.
Switched out the bulky horseshoes I had in my newly pierced snakebites for some smaller (in diameter not gauge) hoops, they fit tighter and I don't feel like metal mouth anymore, feels natural. Can't wait to finish the Job, and close my mouth for a few months... But doctor appointments make the priority for now... Over modification.
I've started to prep myself for the Tulsa trips, just want to be healthy in mind and body before being around suspension again, A.G.R.O. has a very different outlook on the art than pain tribe(not a conflict, just matters of practice,presentation), but the same appeal of course. I will probably just sit in on the first couple sessions and photograph/ get to know the people I will work with. Pain tribe is my family, and I miss them, I just want to have a bond with the people doing the work, Colby was family long before he ever took a needle to me. People seek suspension for different reasons, but personally it has to do with spiritual growth and the minds power over the body. I go into similar thought cycles even when I'm getting tattoos. Pain enduced enlightenment.
A new chapter begins
I haven't posted in a few days, in that time period I've had some great experiences. Although I'm still struggling with my anxiety, gone are the dark clouds that were looming constantly overhead.
For the first time ever I'm tempted to go back and censor what Ive written. I'll leave it for now, but the hard times of last week, leave me with hope this week. What I went through is real, but even I don't want to go back and read that, I feel ashamed by how out of sync my life had become.
A few friends kind words, and stories that related to mine, have left me in a better place than I started, I won't name any names as per usual, but these individuals helped me through something they don't even understand... Especially one certain heroic person that seemed to put a smile on my face everyday****
even as more bad news poured in, it has barely seemed to hinder my desire to be a better person and fix what's broken in my life. Yesterday marked the end of my marriage, we had been seperated for several years, so I knew it was coming. The divorce proceedings went on without my knowledge, as my children were visiting. I could ellaborate more on this topic, it did leave me with somewhat of a raw nerve, and a feeling that a few bad things will occur soon, but overall I feel a giant weight lifted off of me, to be untangled from an estranged marriage.
I've been taking better care of myself, and it's only 6 days now until I see a dr. I pray they will see the need I have for treatment, and not just judge me based off appearance.
Speaking of... I may some changes to my appearance, I really want to reflect my inner growth with obvious outer change. I haven't decided on anything yet... Going to change my wardrobe, and possibly my hair. I've decided to get my lisence back, even if my brother uses my car most of the time, it'll be healthy for me to be able to leave when I want.
Sleep is still a factor, I can't seem to rest more than 2 hours a day, but I've been trying to just except it and move on, using the time to exercise or something instead. It's hard to be productive while sleep deprived, but I can at least try to be active some. I've started cleaning my room, I basically haven't lived here for several months, and ven lived with a tour mentality before that. It's nice to not live from a bag for a while.
I will be touring some though, I still plan to make my yearly trip to New Orleans this year, and now I'm scheduling monthly trips to "hang" with A.G.R.O. Suspension group.
As soon as a bit of sleep comes, I am starting back scheduling shoots, and winding back up on the production of xXRx and the brothers darqly albums... Blah blah blah, like i say, I only write in here when I'm upset... So, I have better things to do right now.
For the first time ever I'm tempted to go back and censor what Ive written. I'll leave it for now, but the hard times of last week, leave me with hope this week. What I went through is real, but even I don't want to go back and read that, I feel ashamed by how out of sync my life had become.
A few friends kind words, and stories that related to mine, have left me in a better place than I started, I won't name any names as per usual, but these individuals helped me through something they don't even understand... Especially one certain heroic person that seemed to put a smile on my face everyday****
even as more bad news poured in, it has barely seemed to hinder my desire to be a better person and fix what's broken in my life. Yesterday marked the end of my marriage, we had been seperated for several years, so I knew it was coming. The divorce proceedings went on without my knowledge, as my children were visiting. I could ellaborate more on this topic, it did leave me with somewhat of a raw nerve, and a feeling that a few bad things will occur soon, but overall I feel a giant weight lifted off of me, to be untangled from an estranged marriage.
I've been taking better care of myself, and it's only 6 days now until I see a dr. I pray they will see the need I have for treatment, and not just judge me based off appearance.
Speaking of... I may some changes to my appearance, I really want to reflect my inner growth with obvious outer change. I haven't decided on anything yet... Going to change my wardrobe, and possibly my hair. I've decided to get my lisence back, even if my brother uses my car most of the time, it'll be healthy for me to be able to leave when I want.
Sleep is still a factor, I can't seem to rest more than 2 hours a day, but I've been trying to just except it and move on, using the time to exercise or something instead. It's hard to be productive while sleep deprived, but I can at least try to be active some. I've started cleaning my room, I basically haven't lived here for several months, and ven lived with a tour mentality before that. It's nice to not live from a bag for a while.
I will be touring some though, I still plan to make my yearly trip to New Orleans this year, and now I'm scheduling monthly trips to "hang" with A.G.R.O. Suspension group.
As soon as a bit of sleep comes, I am starting back scheduling shoots, and winding back up on the production of xXRx and the brothers darqly albums... Blah blah blah, like i say, I only write in here when I'm upset... So, I have better things to do right now.
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